Barbara:
I can't call him because he's in a coma!
Julia Lindsey Snyder:
A coma? Come on, Barbara. Come up with something a little more original. How about - oh, I know. How about a hole opened up, and James fell into the center of the earth?
[
Aaron and Alison discuss their marriage]
Aaron:
Alison, we've been through a fire in a barn. We've run from the cops. We've been in jail. Come on, compared to that, what's marriage? Gotta be a piece of cake.
Paul:
That woman is unbelievable. She's awesome. She knows exactly what I want her to do, and she does it before I even ask her to do it.
Henry:
I had a woman like that once. Once was all I could afford.
Aaron:
Talking to Alison is like trying to nail Jello to a tree.
Aaron:
Ali, listen, listen. Before we do anything crazy, just explain to me what this part means, okay? "Where fowl reigns supreme and lambs dare not roam and pigs in a blanket say take me home."
Alison:
Okay, fowl - that's like chickens and roosters and stuff, right? Okay, and "tuck in but don't let sleeping dogs lie".
Aaron:
Ali?
Alison:
Shh, I'm about to be brilliant. I got it. The key. The key's is in the buns.
Aaron:
Excuse me?
Alison:
"Tucked in", get it? The way that you tuck a hotdog inside the bread? I need to buy your buns.
Henry Coleman:
[
Looking through the Hughes' refrigerator] Give it a few weeks. I've got to tell you something, I've got some irons in the fire. My ship is coming in. I can see a silver lining in that cloud that's been hanging over me for so long. I'm all out of clichés, baby. But I think you get my drift, don't you?
Maddie Coleman:
Yes I do. But I don't think you understand the urgency of my plight.
Henry Coleman:
A-ha!
[
pulls out a bottle and looks at the lable]
Henry Coleman:
Creme de menthe? Oh Lord, who are these people, mad?
Maddie Coleman:
Please, please, please. I can not bear it any longer, okay. Okay, all right, I will let you - I give you permission to use a little of that money from B.J. Henry, we can share a place. You can use it and we can share a place.
Henry Coleman:
That money - that money's off limits for now, okay?
Maddie Coleman:
You're right. I shouldn't even mentioned - what was I thinking?
Henry Coleman:
I don't know. Shame on you, shame on you.
[
takes a drink and spits it out]
Henry Coleman:
Oh God! What am I supposed to drink this or gargle with it?
Maddie Coleman:
What am I supposed to do?
Henry Coleman:
Why don't you try making up with Casey? What the hell?
[
takes another sip]
Maddie Coleman:
I would rather stick my head in a lion's mouth. Are you still gonna drink that?
Henry Coleman:
Yes! It's that bad, huh? Listen, for every problem there is a solution.
Maddie Coleman:
You sound like my calculus teacher.
Gwen Norbeck:
Judge Steve?
Will Munson #4:
Dude, just tell us.
Judge Steve Colby:
You may well hate my guts in ten years.
Gwen Norbeck:
Why?
Judge Steve Colby:
Because you'll be having your 10th wedding anniversary before you're 30.
Will Munson #4:
Yes!
Judge Steve Colby:
Or you'll be bitter and divorced a half-decade ahead of schedule. And don't send me a card if that's the last one.
Detective Margo Montgomery Hughes #3:
Will you keep your pants on when you're alone with Maddie?
Casey Hughes #5:
I can't believe you said that!
Detective Margo Montgomery Hughes #3:
All right, come on, it freaks me out, too.
Casey Hughes #5:
You're my mom! I'm your impressionable teenage son! Geez!
Detective Margo Montgomery Hughes #3:
Well, look, I finally got more than one word out of you.
Barbara:
A shame to waste good vodka, Barbara.
Henry Coleman:
Somehow I think it won't go to waste.
Emily Stewart:
My entire life, honestly - men. My father, Tom, Paul - none of them ever wanted me.
Henry Coleman:
There's still good ol' Hal...
Emily Stewart:
Yeah, Hal - I came in second to a warm doughnut, Henry.
Emily Stewart:
Face it, Emily. Shooting your fiance is a definite turnoff.
Henry Coleman:
Yeah, you know what? One would think, but obviously not.
Carly Snyder:
I'm surprised, I'm surprised after having one your Mom didn't stop right there. What was she thinking?
Henry Coleman:
She wasn't thinking, she was weighing the odds. You know, this horse, that horse. Mater had a bit of a gambling problem.
Carly Snyder:
She hung out at the track?
Henry Coleman:
All day, every day. If you're a thoroughbred you get her attention, but if you're just some mutt on two legs... you know.
Emily Stewart:
Well, she seems like a great kid.
Henry Coleman:
She's a smart kid, Emily, and she sees right through you like cheap cellophane. Now, I do not have a dark side, and I don't want to be any part of yours. If you want to put out a hit out on Meg, you call the mob. And if you ever reveal any of your twisted schemes in front of my little sister again, I will call the mob myself.
Maddie Coleman:
She's gone? Henry, are you having an affair?
Henry Coleman:
With Emily Stewart?
Maddie Coleman:
You know, you can tell me if you two are.
Henry Coleman:
Not.
Maddie Coleman:
Good. I don't really like her.
Henry Coleman:
She has that effect on people.
Maddie Coleman:
But I do think she has the hots for you.
Henry Coleman:
She does not have the hots for me. She has her talons dug into some other poor slob.
Maddie Coleman:
Really?
Henry Coleman:
Yeah. She's crazy about him. Literally. It couldn't happen to a nicer guy.
Kevin Davis:
Now, aren't you supposed to be at home carving up some helpless squash, anyway?
Luke Snyder:
That's Thanksgiving, genius.
Meg Snyder #2:
And while you're at it, you'll get yourself out of jail?
Paul Ryan #6:
I have to. I know that orange is the new black, but those jumpsuits make my butt look enormous.
Meg Snyder #2:
I don't know, your butt looks pretty good to me.
Barbara:
Hello, Gwen.
Gwen Norbeck:
Oh, great. Great. Just what I need first thing in the morning.
Dr. Susan Stewart:
Oh, sorry, sorry. I was out yesterday because of the stupid wedding and I had to stop by the hospital.
Barbara Ryan:
What wedding?
Dr. Susan Stewart:
Oh, that's right, you weren't invited. Your son married my daughter.
Barbara Ryan:
What? That's impossible. Paul's still in jail.
Dr. Susan Stewart:
They got married in the cell. It was everything a mother could hope for, cement floors, iron bars, armed guards, and a son-in-law who's a murderer.
Lisa Miller Hughes Eldridge Shea Colman McColl Mitchell Grimaldi Chedwyn #1:
Well, honey, I must say you were almost civil where Gwen was concerned.
Barbara Ryan:
Oh, I'm trying.
Lisa Miller Hughes Eldridge Shea Colman McColl Mitchell Grimaldi Chedwyn #1:
I know. I think that's wonderful. If I had known that a run-in with a bear would change your attitude, I would have taken you to the zoo a long time ago.
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