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"The Simpsons" (1989)
Groundskeeper Willie:
Ach Wendel. Tis a mighty puddle of puke.
Wendell: I'm sorry.
Groundskeeper Willie: That's all right lad. You reminded me of why I got into this work in the first place.
Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
Bender: Great, you guy are my new best friends!
Homer: You wish!
[Homer throws Bender out of the car destroying him]
Principal Skinner: [over the intercom] Attention please, I need a volunteer for a thankless chore.
[Lisa raises her hand]
Principal Skinner: Shall I assume the only hand in the air is Lisa Simpson? Thank you, Lisa.
Bart: Mom, am I a butch or a femme?
Marge: [with hand lifted] Honey, you can be anything you want to be.
Bart: [after they watch a foreign film] I was so bored I cut the pony tail off the guy in front of us.
[holds pony tail to his head]
Bart: Look at me, I'm a grad student. I'm 30 years old and I made $600 last year.
Marge: Bart, don't make fun of grad students. They've just made a terrible life choice.
Redneck Matt Groening: [notices he's being filmed drinking Tequila shots behind his desk]
[shouts, heavily accented]
Redneck Matt Groening: Get out of my office!
[fires a six-shooter twice]
Guy N. Cognito: [comes into Moe's looking exactly like Homer except for a fake-looking moustache and silly voice] Hello! My name is Guy N. Cognito.
Moe: Get out of here, Homer!
[sound of Guy N. Cognito getting beaten up and thrown unconscious into the street]
Homer: [walking along despondent until he stumbles onto Guy N. Cognito] Oh, my God, this man is my exact double!
[a small, puffy-tailed dog walks by]
Homer: That dog has a puffy tail!
[Homer leaves Guy and starts pursuing the dog]
Homer: Here, puff!
Grampa: [banging a slipper against a pot in a state of senility]
[shouts]
Grampa: The Swedish are coming! The Swedish are coming!
[Tom Brady is riding a scooter down the football field]
Tom Brady: [shouts] Everyone sucks but me!
Homer: D'oh!
Homer Simpson: Sometimes, Marge, you just have to go with your gut.
Marge: You *always* go with your gut. How about for once you listen to your brain?
Marge: [the Simpsons are touring Toronto, Canada] So, I see you drive on the left up here.
Tour Guide: No, ma'am. I'm drunk.
Bart: Can I have a beer?
Homer: All right, but not the imported.
Marge: Homer!
Homer: You've got to set limits, Marge.
Grampa: We're the baddest punks in our age bracket!
Mr. Burns: Oh, so mother nature needs a favor? Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys.
Grampa: [to Homer] Make me proud... or at least less ashamed.
Marge: There's no shame in being a pariah.
Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man...
[laughs hysterically]
Homer: So to answer your question, I don't know.
Krusty the Clown: This I don't need.
Mr. Burns: I can't be responsible for what my goons are ordered to do.
Marge: [Marge has entered a demolition derby] Don't hit me! I'm not like you people, I'm loved!
[the Simpsons are housesitting at Mr. Burns' mansion. They are eating dinner at Mr. Burns' oversized dinner table]
Marge: This all seems a little elaborate for Sloppy Joes. I know what the other 12 forks are for, but I don't know what to do with this one.
Homer: Why Marge my dear, I believe you are supposed to scratch your ass with it.
Marge: Homer!
[scratches rear with fork]
Marge: Ooh...
Robot 1: Hey, these cards are mine.
[table falls]
Robot 2: Now look what you've done.
Robot 1: I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me.
Robot 3: Let's forget this whole thing happened.
Homer: What the heck is this, a tea party? Somebody kill somebody.
[Homer smashes a bottle on a robot's head. The robots begin to shoot Homer, who dives under a table]
Marge: What is it with you and robots?
Homer: I don't need your pity or your money.
[pockets money]
Ron Howard: Usually when you say that, you give the money back.
Bart: Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here?
Leonard Nimoy: Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near.
Bart: [flippantly] Uh-huh.
Hot Dog Vendor: Hey Spock, what do you want on your hot dog?
Leonard Nimoy: Surprise me.
[TV executives want Homer for a TV ad about bald and impotent men]
Homer: Well, I am bald and important!
Mr. Burns: Thank you, come again. Smithers, release the hounds.
Apu: [two bullies walk out with store merchadise] Thank you steal again.
Apu: Yeah I finked on Homer but he deserved it. Never have I seen such abuse of the "Take A Penny, Leave A Penny" Tray.
Homer: [picks up Maggie as he watches a Thanksgiving football game] See those blue and silver guys, Maggie? They're the Dallas Cowboys. They're Daddy's favorite team, and he wants them to lose by at least three points.
Actor Homer: I do not miss Bart at all.
Actor Marge: I am glad he's gone.
Actress Lisa: As am I.
Actor Homer: [drops sandwich] Boh!
Bart: It's probably my imagination but something about them didn't seem quite right.
Mr. Burns: Really? excuse me for just a moment.
Mr. Burns: [Mr.Burns walks from the control room out into the studio where cameras have been set up along with a fake living room of the Simpsons' place] People, that was all wrong. Homer Simpson does not say Boh! He says.
[checks script]
Mr. Burns: Doh!
Cletus: He really speaks to me, the average Joe six-tooth.
Cletus's Wife: When did you get another tooth?
Cletus: The sidewalk.
Homer: Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?
Apu: Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.
Homer: Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.
[Burns learns about the stock market crash of 1929]
Mr. Burns: Oh no. Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash?
Smithers: Well, sir, it happened 25 years before I was born.
Mr. Burns: Oh, that's your excuse for everything.
Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
Homer: God is teasing me. Just like he teased Moses in the desert.
Marge: *Tested,* Homer. God *tested* Moses.
Moe: Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.
Moe: I've been planning this vacation for years. I'm finally going to see Easter Island.
Homer: Oh, right, with the giant heads.
Moe: With the what now?
Reverend Lovejoy: This so-called new religion is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants, designed to take away the money of fools. Now let's say the Lord's Prayer 40 times, but first, let's pass the collection plate.
Kang: Holy fleurking schnit!
Marge: Bart, stop pestering Satan.
[Bart's looking for his dog]
Willy: Yeah, I bought your mutt - and I 'ate 'im.
[Bart gasps]
Willy: I 'ate 'is little face, I 'ate 'is guts, and I 'ate the way 'e's always barkin'. So I gave 'im to the church.
Bart: Ohhh, I see... you HATE him, so you gave him to the church.
Willy: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug.
[Bart stares]
Willy: Ya heard me.
Bart Simpson: I want to be emancipated!
Homer Simpson: Emancipated? Don't you like being a dude?
[Bart doing a newscast on a kids news show]
Bart: Joe Banks, 82 years young, has come to this pond everyday for the past 17 years to feed the ducks. But last month Joe made a discovery: the ducks were gone. Some say the ducks went to Canada, others say Toronto. And some people think Joe used to sit down there near those ducks. But it could be that there's just no room, in this modern world, for an old man and his ducks.
Rainer Wolfcastle: [singing] Mein bratwurst has a first name, it's F-R-I-T-Z / Mein bratwurst has a second name, it's S-C-H-N-A-C-K-E-N-P-F-E-F-F-E-R-H-A-U-S-E-N.
Rupert Murdoch: What the bloody hell?
Marge: Bart, would you like to say grace?
Bart: Yesum!
[Bart says grace in Latin]
Homer: What the hell was that?
Lisa: Bart's speaking Latin, the language of Plutarc.
Homer: [Homer looks blankly] Micky Mouse's dog?
Homer: [Lisa imagines if Homer dies during his bypass operation]
[Homer is in heaven, lying on a cloud]
Homer: Cloud goes up, cloud goes down, cloud goes up, cloud goes down.
Homer: [cut to hospital room in real life. Homer is lying on his bed] Bed goes up, bed goes down, bed goes up, bed goes down.
Homer: Me hungry.
[the Simpsons are on a wagon train in the Old West]
Homer: [singing] Cleaning my gun with the safety off, safety off, safety off, cleaning my gun with the...
[gun goes off, killing a buffalo]
Lisa: Dad, you just killed a poor, defenseless buffalo!
Homer: A poor, *delicious* buffalo. He'll be enough food for the whole wagon train.
[shoots another buffalo]
Lisa: Why did you shoot that one?
Homer: Dessert.
Homer Simpson: Huh? What's wrong? House ran away? Dog on fire?
Kent Brockman: The phony pope can be identified by his high top sneakers, and incredibly foul mouth.
Homer: [while watching a meteor shower] I wish God were alive to see this.
Homer: [Bart has offended Lisa, and he's surprised she's visibly angry at him after saying that nothing is wrong between them] Son, when a woman says nothing's wrong, it means everything's wrong. When a woman says everything's wrong, it means everything's wrong. And when a woman says that something *isn't* funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off!
[Ned has the ability to foresee one's death]
Ned Flanders: Homer, you will die eating a submarine sandwich.
Homer: What kind of bread is it?
Ned Flanders: Country parmesan.
Homer: Woo-hoo!
Moe: Yeah, you said it, Barn.
Moe: Homer's right! We're gettin' the Joan Collins special!
Kent Brockman: [talking about the people of "New Springfield" when a new area code divides the town] They use low-class expressions like "Oh, yeah!" and "Come here a minute."
Homer Simpson: [watching the TV with Bart] Oh, yeah, they think we're low class. Hey, Bart, come here a minute.
Bart: You come here a minute.
Homer Simpson: Oh, yeah...
Moe: Enough chit-chat, let's see how you like flaming trash!
Elf: Welcome to Santa's Village, where it's Christmas everyday! Closed on Christmas.
Chief Wiggum: What IS your fascination with my forbidden closet of mysteries?
Homer: So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end.
Chief Wiggum: See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya; otherwise, I got no case and you'll go scot-free.
Dr. Hibbert: We don't believe fur is murder, but paying for it sure is.
Bart: Dad, I think I need some fresh air. Can I go to the park?
Homer: Do I have to sit up?
Bart: No.
Homer: Knock yourself out.
Apu: Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie.
Comic Book Guy: Last night's "Itchy & Scratchy" was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
Homer: Hey boy. Wanna play catch?
Bart: No thanks dad.
Homer: When a son doesn't want to play catch with his father something is definitely wrong.
Grampa: I'll play catch with you.
Homer: Go home.
Marge: Lisa, normally, I would say that you should stand up for what you believe in, but you've been doing that an awful lot lately...
Bart: Yeah, you made us march in that gay rights parade.
Homer: And we cant watch Fox because they own those chemical weapons plants in Syria.
Homer: Homer no function beer well without.
Homer: Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.
Homer: Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
Moe: [after beating up a Homer dummy] Who's the sociopath, now?
Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old. Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk.
Homer: And how!
Homer: [praying] Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever.
[brief pause]
Homer: Thy bidding will be done.
[munch munch munch]
Homer: What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.
[a rock flies through Mr. Burns' office window]
Mr. Burns: Look Smithers, a bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.
[while watching a faculty talent show]
Bart: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows.
Maude Flanders: They were having S-E-X in front of C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N.
Krusty the Clown: Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down.
[Ralph is lying in bed]
Ralph: Daddy, these rubber pants are hot.
Chief Wiggum: You'll wear 'em till you learn, son.
Homer: Password.
Bart: We just want to get a snack from the fridge.
Homer: Access denied!
Bart, Lisa: But Da...
[Homer uses a sleeper hold on Bart and Lisa knocking them out]
Marge: Homer! I don't want you using your new sleeper hold on the children!
Homer: They be OK in half an hour.
Marge: And another thing, I asked you to take out the garbage three days agos and it's still... ngghhh.
[Homer uses his sleeper hold on Marge]
Homer: [Homer looks at his watch] Hmm, dinner is not for another half hour. Gahhh!
[Homer uses his sleeper hold on himself and bangs his head on the dinner table while falling to the floor]
Milhouse: [singing] When a man loves a woman...
Lenny: Which one are you? The man or the woman?
Carl: Nice one, dude.
[Bart wants to learn about sex]
Homer: I think he should learn about it the way I did.
[Flashback of Homer as a child, he is at a zoo watching monkeys]
Homer: Zookeeper!
[points to monkeys]
Homer: Those two monkeys are killing each other!
Zookeeper: [whispers in Homer's ear] They're having sex.
Homer: Oh...
Homer: Wow. Sprawl-Mart has everything, even videos of talking Christian vegetables.
Vegetable Moses: [zooms in on TV] We will not build your food pyramid. Let my pickles go!
Bart: Ay, carumba!
Homer Simpson: Books are useless! I only ever read one book, "To Kill A Mockingbird" and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the colour of his skin... but what good does *that* do me?
[in a comic book store]
Milhouse: I need a mask to hide my face. What have you got for five dollars?
Comic Book Guy: For a paltry five dollars all I can offer you is a mask from the discount bin. You have your choice of Richard Nixon or Bart Simpson.
Milhouse: Why do you have masks of Bart?
Comic Book Guy: One came free with every box of Bart Simpson action figures.
Milhouse: Why does Bart have his own action figures?
Comic Book Guy: They were a marketing tie-in with the comic book.
Milhouse: Why does Bart have a comic book?
Comic Book Guy: Your questions have become more redundant and annoying then the last three "Highlander" movies.
Marge: C'mon, Homer, Japan will be fun. You like Rashoman.
Homer: That's not how I remember it. Besides, if we wanted to see Japanese people we could have gone to the zoo.
Marge: Homer.
Homer: What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese. His name is Takashi. He's in my book club.
[Comic Book visits a dating service and grabs all the one-nighter presentation videotapes]
Clerk: Are you going to call all those women?
Comic Book Guy: No, the tapes will do just fine.
Bart: Here Homer I got you this book "Chicken Soup for the Loser".
Homer: Hmmm is it any good?
Bart: I don't know but it inspired Bill Buckner to open a chain of Laundromats.
Agnes Skinner: You failed, Seymour. What is it with you and failure?
[Kodos and Kang appear at The Simpsons' door]
Homer: Oh no, Mormons!
Kang: Actually, we're Quantum Presbyterians.
Drill Sergeant: Look soldier, you don't like me, and I don't like you.
Homer: I like you.
Drill Sergeant: Well, I don't like you.
Homer: Maybe you'd like me if you got to know me better.
Homer: Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away?
Lisa: Because they discovered gold right over there.
Homer: It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything.
Guide: Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by prostitute express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from Saint Joe in three days, Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as a place where a trailhand could spend a month's pay in three minutes.
Homer: Three minutes.
[whistles]
Marge: I never realized history was so filthy.
Homer: Look, all I'm saying is, if these big stars didn't want people going through their garbage and saying they're gay, then they shouldn't have tried to express themselves creatively.
Chief Wiggum: They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day.
[Homer is using butter as a pencil holder]
Marge: Is that my butter?
Homer: Can't talk - taking another delicious memo.
[Licks tip of pencil as if about to write]
Homer: Mmmmm... memo.
Moe: They think they're so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants.
Lisa: Dad, just for once don't you want to try something new?
Homer: Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.
[Homer tries to gain passage on an escape rocket]
Homer: I am the piano genius from the movie "Shine".
Guard: And your name is...?
Homer: Uhh... Shiney McShine.
[Why he prefers the original "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington."]
Homer: At least that Jimmy Stewart version had that giant rabbit who ran the Savings & Loan.
Newspaper editor: We're looking for a new food critic, someone who doesn't immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats.
Homer: Nah, it usually takes a few hours.
Marge: Only your father could take a part-time job at a small town paper and wind up the target of international assassins.
Mr. Burns: Next.
Mr. Burns: Smithers, you could learn a thing or two from this braying moron.
Chief Wiggum: We'll track down Simpson with your vehicles anti-theft system.
Car System: Car gone Car gone!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, we know that. Where has it gone to?
Car System: Car gone! Car gone! Car gone!
Homer: Must kill Moe Wee! Must Kill Moe Wee!
Apu: Here at the Kwik-E-Mart we believe in America. Please do not beat me up anymore.
[Kang and Kodos are cooking the Simpsons]
Bart: Am I the only one in horrible pain?
Homer: You're the only one who won't shut up about it.
Professor Frink: Let the commencing beginulate!
Homer: *Finally*... Science has joined forces with Revenge.
TV Announcer: [At the end of a commercial for a combination hair restorer/penis enlarger] Possible side effects include loss of scalp and penis.
Lisa: It seems every week the Simpsons go through a situation like this. My suggestion is to just ride it out, make the occasional smart-aleck quip, and next week, we'll return right to where we were, ready for another wacky adventure.
Bart: Aye carumba.
Lisa: That's the spirit.
Sideshow Bob: [after his demands are met] Yes. They're giving in.
[pause]
Sideshow Bob: Blast. I should've made more demands. Maybe next time...
Mel Gibson: John Travolta flew me over in his jet. Now I have to help him move next weekend. He deliberately waited until we were in the air to ask me.
[in the car on the way to Florida]
Lisa: Mom, Bart's sitting next to me.
Bart: Mom, Lisa's growing.
Marge: Quiet, you two. You know your father's just had a breakdown.
Homer: My pockets hurt.
Homer: Oh, they have the Internet on computers now.
Lisa: I'm so glad you're home. Bart's acting funny.
Homer: "Ray J" funny or "O.J." funny?
Homer: Son, I just want you to know I have total faith in you.
Bart: Since when?
Homer: Since your mother yelled at me.
Rev. Lovejoy: I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens. Who came to earth... and then died... only to be brought back to life again. And his name was: E.T., the extra-terrestrial. I love that little guy.
Lionel Hutz: And as for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in the state. Often as a lawyer.
Bart: Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.
[observing the farm's green glow after Homer put toxic chemicals on it]
Marge: It's eerily beautiful. Are you sure it's safe?
Homer: You know what they say - sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart.
Marge: You got that from a movie poster.
Homer: Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope.
Marge: Where'd you get that from?
Homer: From the producers of "Waiting To Exhale".
Homer: It's like David and Goliath, only this time David won.
[Lisa sighs]
Lisa's Brain: I know, I heard it too. Here's some music.
[Piano music plays quietly. Lisa smiles contentedly]
Homer: Just because I don't know doesn't mean I don't understand.
Kent Brockman: Just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The government calls it the Army, but a more alarmist name would be... The Killbot Factory.
Kent Brockman: Springfield has come down with a fever: football fever. If you have the fever, there's only one cure. Take 2 tickets, and see the game Sunday morning.
Public Service Announcer: Warning. Tickets should NOT be taken internally.
Homer: See? Because of me, now they have a warning.
[Writing a food review]
Homer: The bread was... the bread was...
Santa's Little Helper: Ruff.
Homer: You've been pitching that one all night.
Santa's Little Helper: Chewy?
Kent Brockman: Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?
Professor: Yes I would, Kent.
[Homer and Bart are being taunted for riding in an electric car]
Gay Robots: One of us. One of us. One of us.
Homer: Please don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.
Homer: Well, I hope you've learnt your lesson, Lisa: never help anyone.
Homer: You mean you gave away both your dogs? You know how I feel about giving.
Bart: Man, I'm so bored.
Milhouse: Wait until we're teenagers, then we'll be happy.
Homer: If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it's not a fair.
Homer: These candidates make me want to vomit in terror.
Ned Flanders: A rude Frenchman. Why I never.
Homer: Boy, everyone is stupid except me.
Homer: [to Bart] I always knew you had personality. The doctor said it was hyperactivity, but I knew better.
Mr. Burns: Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons.
PBS Pledge Drive Host: It's easy to see why it's England's most long-running series - and we're showing all of them, all 7 episodes.
Lisa: Mom. Dad's on PBS.
Marge: Mm? They don't show police chases, do they?
[Bees have escaped from a bee farm]
Beekeeper 1: Hmmm. Awfully quiet around here.
Beekeeper 2: Yes... a little TOO quiet, if you know what I mean.
Beekeeper 1: Hmmm. Afraid I don't.
Beekeeper 2: You see, bees usually make a lot of noise. No noise suggests no bees.
Beekeeper 1: Hmm... oh look, there goes one.
Beekeeper 2: To the bee mobile.
Beekeeper 1: You mean your Chevy?
Beekeeper 2: ...Yes.
Homer: People will think what I tell them to think when you tell me what to tell them to think.
[Moe is making a fortune from Homer's drink recipe]
Marge: Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy.
Homer: Ooh, look at me. I'm making people happy. I'm the magical man from Happyland, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane.
[walks out, slams door, then sticks head back in]
Homer: Oh, by the way: I was being sarcastic.
Marge: Well, duh.
[Marge is working at a real estate firm]
Lionel Hutz: I've been getting a lot of calls about you, Marge. People just love your no-pressure approach.
Marge: Well, you know what we say: the right house for the right person.
Lionel Hutz: I'm going to let you in on a little secret. The right house is the house that's for sale. And the right person is anyone.
Mr. Burns: So, Smithers, what are you doing this weekend. Something gay, I expect?
Smithers: What?
Mr. Burns: You know, light and fancy free. Mothers, lock up your daughters. Smithers is on the town.
Smithers: Oh. Of course.
Homer: Ah, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk.
Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get.
[Nelson's friends catch him kissing Lisa]
Kearney: Aw man. You just kissed a girl.
Jimbo Jones: That is so gay.
Principal Skinner: There's no justice like angry-mob justice.
Marge: Aren't you going to perform the last rites?
Rev. Lovejoy: That's Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to perform a voodoo dance.
[Lisa sees a sign for a "Yahoo Serious Festival"]
Lisa: I know those words, but that sign doesn't make sense.
Bart Simpson: I want to be emancipated!
Homer Simpson: Emancipated? Why do you want that? Don't you like being a dude?
Lisa: Dad, I still don't understand how you could just give my room away?
Homer: Honey, what's your favorite movie?
Lisa: Well, until you taped over it, "The Little Mermaid".
Homer: That's right. "The Odd Couple". Meet your new, mismatched roommate- Bart.
Bart: I'm going to make your life a living hell.
Lisa: Ohh...
[Homer hums "Odd Couple" theme, shoves Lisa into the room and runs away]
Lisa: Thank you, Mr. President.
Bill Clinton: No, thank you, Lisa. For teaching kids everywhere a valuable lesson: If things don't go your way, just keep complaining until your dreams come true.
Marge: That's a pretty lousy lesson.
Bill Clinton: Hey, I'm a pretty lousy president.
Mayor Quimby: Oh, dear God. Can't this town go one day without a riot?
[Homer uncovers a scheme to supply low-grade milk to the school]
Homer: They're milking rats. Rats.
Mayor Quimby: [to Fat Tony] Rats? You promised me dog or higher.
[about to watch dinner theater]
Ned Flanders: Dear Lord, please let tonight's production be better than Othello starring Peter Marshall.
Homer: Once you go to the Vatican, you can't go back again!
[Homer is missing work, and puts a manatee in charge]
Smithers: I believe that's a manatee posing as Homer Simpson, sir.
Homer: I think I saw him in Rent, or Stomp, or Clomp, or some piece of crap like that.
Homer: If he's so smart, how come he's dead?
Newspaper Tour Guide: And each paper contains a certain percentage of recycled paper.
Lisa: What percentage is that?
Newspaper Tour Guide: Zero. Zero is a percent, isn't it?
Marge: You love Shake n' Bake. You used to put it in your coffee.
Lucy Lawless: I'll take you home.
[Lucy flies, carrying Bart and Lisa]
Lisa: Hey, Xena can't fly.
Lucy Lawless: I told you, I'm not Xena. I'm Lucy Lawless.
Homer: We can outsmart those dolphins. Don't forget - we invented computers, leg warmers, bendy straws, peel-and-eat shrimp, the glory hole, AND the pudding cup.
[after the angel hoax is exposed]
Homer: What the hell are we going to do with 10,000 angel ashtrays?
Bart: I could take up smoking.
Homer: You damn well better.
[Pulling broccoli from Homer's corpse]
Dr. Hibbert: Another broccoli-related death.
Marge: But I thought broccoli was...
Dr. Hibbert: Oh yes. One of the deadliest plants on earth. It tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste.
Homer's ghost: Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.
Marge: Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house...
Homer's ghost: Whoa whoa whoa. I'm just trying to get in, I'm not running for Jesus.
Homer: I want to set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute.
Marge: [sings] How many roads must a man walk down / Before you can call him a man...
Homer: Seven.
Lisa: No, dad, it's a rhetorical question.
Homer: OK, eight.
Lisa: Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical" means?
Homer: Do *I* know what "rhetorical" means?
Mr. Burns: If the house catches fire, call this number.
Marge: Uh-huh. The fire department.
Mr. Burns: Yes. They're new. But they're good.
Ned Flanders: Homer, I think you hit something.
Homer: I hope it was Flanders.
Lionel Hutz: Well, I didn't win. Here's your pizza.
Marge: But we did win.
Lionel Hutz: That's okay. The box is empty.
[Showing Simpsons "outtakes."]
Troy McClure: If that's what they cut out, what they leave in must be pure gold.
Maude Flanders: Neddy, I've had just about all I can take of Homer Simpson's torso. I'll go get some hot dogs.
Ned Flanders: No foot-longs.
Maude Flanders: I know, they make you uncomfortable.
[Moe is describing a plan to Homer]
Moe: Okay Homer, this olive is you...
Homer: Mmm... me...
Homer: Marge, can I go out and play?
Homer: [muttering] Lousy big shot, thinks he's so big 'cause he's got a lot of guns, if he didn't have any guns I'd show him a thing or two...
[at home, pacing the hallway in front of Lisa's bedroom]
Homer: ... let's see him walk into my store and then we'll see who's worried about five-day waiting periods...
Lisa: Dad, it's 3:00 AM. Cant you mutter in your room?
Homer: Marge kicked me out.
Lisa: All right, go ahead.
Homer: Pushy kids think they can tell me what to do in my house, Why, I tell you these parents these days they don't know how to rear children...
Homer: Well crying isn't going to help. Now, you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food until your dog comes back, or you can go out there and find your dog.
Bart: You're right.
[Gets up and leaves]
Homer: Rats. I almost had him eating dog food.
Homer: [to Lisa] You stupid know-nothing know-it-all.
Homer: [Comforting] There, there. Shut up boy.
Moe: Sounds like you're having a rough Christmas. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.
Homer: [drunk] Yeah, you're right, Moe. You're always Moe.
Lisa: Where's that music coming from?
Marge: And all the liquor?
Homer: It's a party, Marge. It doesn't have to make sense.
[Fanzo threw a Barbie in the fire and strangled a Krusty toy]
Bart: Why is it destroying other toys?
Lisa: It must be programmed to do so to eliminate competition.
Bart: You mean like Microsoft?
Lisa: Yeah.
[while trying to get a convict's parole granted]
Jack: I shot a guy named Apu.
Marge: Hmmm... Well a lot of people shoot Apu.
Ralph: Your toys are fun to touch. Mine are all sticky.
Krustyburger manager: We need more secret sauce. Put this mayonnaise in the sun.
[Homer sits down in the middle of the night to eat cheese]
Homer: Mmmm. Sixty-four slices of American Cheese...
[begins eating]
Homer: ... sixty-four... sixty-three...
[morning comes, Homer is still eating]
Homer: Two... one...
[Marge walks in]
Marge: Have you been up all night eating cheese?
Homer: I think I'm blind.
Chief Wiggum: Oh, sure. We'd all love some *real* friends, Marge. But what are the odds of that happening?
Homer: Mmmm... forbidden donut.
Ralph: That's where I saw the leprechaun. He told me to burn things.
Barney: David Crosby? You're my hero.
David Crosby: Oh, you like my music?
Barney: You're a musician?
[playing a religious board game]
Lisa: Where are the dice?
Todd Flanders: Daddy says dice are wicked.
Rod Flanders: We just move one space at a time. It's less fun that way.
Homer: There's your giraffe, little girl.
Ralph: I'm a boy.
Homer: That's the spirit. Never give up.
State Comptroller Atkins: This grant ensures a light bulb in every classroom, and a high-definition TV for the teachers lounge.
Bill Clinton: I know you don't think you're good enough for me, but believe me, you are. Hell, I done it with pigs. Real, no-foolin' pigs.
Judge Snyder: The clown is down.
Mr. George Willson: Simpson, you?re a menace!
Mrs. Martha Wilson: Leave him alone George.
Mr. George Willson: Martha, I want a divorce.
Mrs. Martha Wilson: Oh thank you, you've made me so happy.
Waylon Smithers: [with a very attractive woman] Sir, you knew I was on a date.
Bart: Mr. Smithers? But I thought you were... you know...
Waylon Smithers: Oh no, I'm straight. As long as I keep taking these shots!
[injects shot into arm]
Waylon Smithers: I love boobies!
Kent Brockman: Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for Philosophy majors - useful people are starting to feel the pinch.
Psychiatrist: Is there a lot of screaming at your house?
Bart: Well, my dad's always yelling about the white man keeping him down.
Homer: Gee, Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know; way richer than Lenny.
Mr. Burns: Yes, but I'd trade it all for a little more.
Homer: What are you kids doing?
Lisa, Bart: Practicing tennis
Homer: That's tennis? Then what's that sport where the chicks whale on each other?
Bart: Foxy Boxing?
Homer: [disappointedly] Yes. That's what I wanted. Oh.
[Homer cries]
Kent Brockman: We win again. But the real winners here are Marge's Hors D'Oeuvres.
Homer: How do you come up with such witty remarks?
[focuses in on ear plug/mic]
Guy in the van: I guess you could say its my racket.
Kent Brockman: I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.
Homer: Get off my property.
[Homer is camping out to buy football tickets]
Homer: Heh-heh-heh, I did it. Second in line, and all I had to do was miss eight days of work.
Man: With the money you would have made working, you could have bought tickets from a scalper.
Homer: In theory, yes.
[sotto voce]
Homer: Jerk.
[about the hurricane]
Homer: All right everyone, it's the standard Grampa drill... everyone into the cellar.
Ned Flanders: You ugly hate-filled man.
Moe: Hey. I may be ugly and I may be hate-filled but... uh... what was that last thing you said?
Dr. Foster: You are free to roam around the grounds but do be warned one of our patients *is* a cannibal. Try to guess which one... I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Homer: Lisa, I want you to remember me just as I am right now, filled with murderous rage.
Homer: Never fear. The cosmic fool is here.
Lisa: Miss Tan, I loved The Joy Luck Club. You really showed me how the mother-daughter bond could survive adversity.
Amy Tan: No, no, that's not what I meant at all. I can't believe how wrong you got it. Just sit down, I'm embarrassed for both of us.
Mr. Burns: Mr. Simpson, you're smarter than you look, or sound, or our best testing indicates.
Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour, why are there children walking on my head?
Marge: Church should help you with your everyday life.
Homer: It should, but it doesn't. Now who wants to go down to the dump with me?
Doug: In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is a magic xylophone, or something? Ha ha, boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
Homer: I'll field that one. Let me ask *you* a question. Why would a grown man whose shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?
[embarrassed pause]
Doug: I withdraw my question.
[starts eating a candy bar]
Sideshow Bob: Rakes, my arch enemy.
Bart: I thought I was your arch enemy.
Sideshow Bob: I have a life outside you, Bart.
Comic Book Guy: Ack. There is no "emoticon" to express what I am feeling right now.
Comic Book Guy: Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.
[Bart has just described the island paradise he envisages]
Nelson: How many monkey butlers will there be?
Bart: One at first. But he'll train others.
Ralph: I bent my wookie.
Marge: Homer, why aren't you at work? You're late.
Homer: They said if I came in late again that I would get fired, and I can't risk that, so I'm not going.
Homer: Biatch? Me?
[after Poochie the dog debuts on the Itchy and Scratchy show to a lukewarm response]
Homer: I liked it... right?
Homer's Brain: You don't wanna know what I think... Now look sad and say "D'oh!...?
Homer: D'oh!...
Marge: Everybody's afraid of something.
Homer: [smugly] Not everybody.
Marge: Sock puppets.
Homer: [shrieks in terror] Where? Where?
African tour guide: Night, night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs paralyze.
Bart: Eat my shorts.
Bart: Don't have a cow, man.
[Professor Frink has just re-animated his dead father using mechanical organs]
Professor Frink: All your organs have been replaced with machines, but that doesn't make you any less of a man. Except that you don't have a penis.
Bart: Hey wait a minute, man. You don't have to leave just because Superintendent Chalmers tells you to. You've spent your whole life following orders. From your mother, the army, Superintendent Chalmers. For once in your life, stand up for yourself, man.
Principal Skinner: Okay, Bart.
Mrs. Krabappel: Let's go, Seymour.
Principal Skinner: Okay, Edna.
Homer: When was the last time Barbara Streisand cleaned out your garage? And when it's time to do your laundry, where's Ray Bolger? I'll tell ya. Ray Bolger is looking out for Ray Bolger.
Marge: And our kids are getting lazy.
Bart: I'm not lazy, I'm... hey, Lisa, finish my sentence for me.
Lisa: Why don't you finish your own darn...
[falls asleep, falls off couch]
Homer: How was everyone's day at school?
Bart: Horrible.
Lisa: Pointless.
Marge: Exhausting. It took the class 40 minutes to locate Canada on a map.
Homer: Oh, honey, anyone could miss Canada. All tucked way down there.
Homer: Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.
Doctor: Mr. Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States. You have everything.
Mr. Burns: You mean I have pneumonia?
Doctor: Yes.
Mr. Burns: Juvenile diabetes?
Doctor: Yes.
Mr. Burns: Hysterical pregnancy?
Doctor: Uh, a little bit, yes. You also have several diseases that have just been discovered - in you.
Mr. Burns: I see. You sure you haven't just made thousands of mistakes?
Doctor: Uh, no, no, I'm afraid not.
Mr. Burns: This sounds like bad news.
Doctor: Well, you'd think so, but all of your diseases are in perfect balance. Uh, if you have a moment, I can explain.
Mr. Burns: Well...
[looks at his watch]
Mr. Burns: [the Doctor puts a tiny model house door on his desk]
Doctor: Here's the door to your body, see?
[bring up some small fuzz balls with goofy faces and limbs from under the desk]
Doctor: And these are oversized novelty germs.
[points to a different one up as he names each disease]
Doctor: That's influenza, that's bronchitis,
[holds up one]
Doctor: and this cute little cuddle-bug is pancreatic cancer. Here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once.
[tries to cram a bunch through the model door. The "germs" get stuck]
Doctor: [Stooge-like] Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo. Move it, chowderhead.
[normal voice]
Doctor: We call it, "Three Stooges Syndrome".
Mr. Burns: So what you're saying is, I'm indestructible.
Doctor: Oh, no, no, in fact, even slight breeze could...
Mr. Burns: Indestructible.
Homer: I see the light... it burns!
Bono: [after Homer invades U2's Pop-Mart concert] Wait, people. He's talking about waste management, that affects the whole damn planet!
The Edge: Awww, here he goes! Anyone fancy going to Moe's for a pint?
Adam Clayton: Can I come?
The Edge: [looks at Larry Mullen Jnr] No!
Adam Clayton: [whispers] Wankers!
[Edge and Larry turn around, and Adam pretends to be tuning his bass guitar]
Ned Flanders: That is one bitching ride.
Rod Flanders: Daddy said a bad word!
Ned Flanders: Oh, lighten up, Roddy.
Lisa: The student strike will continue until you restore music and art.
Principal Skinner: What about gym?
Lisa: [dismissive] Eh.
Ralph: Lisa's a sellout! Lisa's a sellout! Hey, Lisa. What's a sellout?
Homer: I've got more trophies than Wayne Gretzky and the Pope combined.
Mrs. Krabappel: As you know, Bart, one day your permanent record will disqualify you from all but the hottest and noisiest jobs.
Ralph: [giving report] ... and when the Doctor told me I didn't have worms anymore, that was the happiest day of my life.
Miss Hover: Thank you, Ralph, very graphic.
Homer: That guy impressed me and I am not easily impressed. Wow. A *blue car*.
Homer: It's everybody's fault but mine.
Sideshow Bob: [hypnotizing Bart] You are in my power.
Bart: [in a hypnotic voice] I am at your command.
Sideshow Bob: I didn't say anything about command. If you are in my power, say so.
Bart: I am in your power.
Sideshow Bob: That's better. No, go back to command. I like that better.
Marge: I thought you said the law was powerless.
Chief Wiggum: Powerless to *help* you, not punish you.
Homer: I know! If I sink to the bottom, I can run to shore.
Homer: I'm like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket and flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?
[after Apu's wife Manjula gives birth to Octuplets. Apu has been awake all night trying to put them all to sleep, and has fallen asleep himself]
Manjula: [Waking Apu up] Apu, it's 4:00 am, your late for work.
Apu: [Wakes Up] Oh, I just had the most beautiful dream where I died.
Manjula: Oh, no you don't. Not 'til they're out of college.
Apu: Listen, I'll die when I want to.
[Before performing his back treatment]
Homer: One, two, better not sue.
Homer: Lenny and Carl suck. Oh, don't tell them I said that Marge, because I don't want to lose their dear friendship.
Barney: I think we'd be all better off if each country had its own planet.
Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
Homer: There's a $10,000 bill in it for you.
Barney: Oh yeah? Which president is on it?
Homer: Um, all of them. They are having a party. Jimmy Carter is passed out on the couch.
[Kang and Kodos have taken the form of Bob Dole and Bill Clinton]
Kodos: I am Clin-Ton. As overlord, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal commands. End communication.
Marge: That's Slick Willy for you, always with the smooth talk.
Kent Brockman: Senator Dole, why should people vote for you?
Kang: It does not matter which way you vote. Either way your planet is doomed. Doomed. Doomed.
Kent Brockman: Well, a refreshing bit of candor from Senator Bob Dole.
Professor Ludwig: Ms. Simpson, do you think there is something funny about the term tromboner?
[in the Michael Crichton & Stephen King Bookstore]
Hans Moleman: Do you have anything by Robert Ludlum?
Storekeeper: Get out.
Homer: Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
Snake: [busts open a loaded cash register] Oh... Good-bye student loan payments.
Ned Flanders: How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says "Think"?
Homer: You mean Lisa?
Homer: The problem in the world today is communication. Too much communication.
Homer: Lisa, if I didn't have this gun, the king of England could walk right in here and start pushing you around.
[Homer starts pushing Lisa around]
Homer: D'you want that? Huh? Do ya?
Lisa: No...
Homer: Ohhh, stupid movies. Who invented these dumb things, anyway?
[menacingly]
Homer: Was it you, Bart?
Homer: You can't outsmart carnival folk. They're the cleverest folk in the world. Just look at the way they sucker regular folk with their crooked games.
Grampa: Son, you're as stupid as a mule and twice as ugly. So if a stranger offers you a ride, I'd say take it.
Ned Flanders: The Lord has drowned the wicked and spared the righteous.
Maude Flanders: Isn't that Homer Simpson?
Ned Flanders: Huh, looks like Heaven is easier to get into than Arizona State.
Bart: Dad, is this art or is it vandalism?
Homer: That's for the courts to decide.
Homer: Stupid risks are what make life worth living.
Krusty the Clown: You, sir, are an idiot.
Apu: [singing] Oh give me land, lots of land, and the starry skies above
Bart, Lisa, Ralph: [singing] Don't fence me in.
Apu: [singing] Sir you cannot pee unless you are an employee.
Homer Simpson: [singing] Can't keep it in.
[Homer kicks in the bathroom door and uses the facilities]
Homer: Is this episode going on the air live ?
June Velany: No Homer, very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animator's wrist.
Homer: "To start, press any key." Where's the "Any" key?
Marge: This is the worst thing you've ever done.
Homer: You say that so often that it's lost *all* meaning.
Lenny: There's nothing like revenge for getting back at people.
Carl: Vengeance isn't too bad either
Moe: Who'd have thought a whale would be so heavy?
[after picking up the phone]
Moe: Moe's Tavern. Hold on, I'll check.
[to the bar]
Moe: Hey, everybody. I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells, and I like to kiss my own butt.
[the bar laughs]
Moe: Oh, wait a minute.
Ralph: Hi, Principal Skinner! Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers! I'm learneding!
Homer: Oh Bart, don't worry, people die all the time. In fact, you could wake up dead tomorrow.
[reading a sign, "Do Not Touch - Willy"]
Homer: Do not touch Willy. Good advice.
Bart: I smell a museum.
Homer: Yeah, good things don't end with 'eum,' they end with 'mania' or 'teria.'
Troy McClure: Welcome to the Knowledgeum, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such automated information kiosks as "Welcome to Springfield Airport" and "Where's Nordstrom?" While you're enjoying our Hall of Wonders, your car unfortunately will be subject to repeated break-ins and...
[Fades]
Homer: What'd he say? What about my car?
Duff book of records: Springfield is now the fattest city in the U.S.
Homer: Woo Hoo. In your face Milwaukee.
Marge: Homer, we can't take his money.
Homer: Aww, I can't take his money, I can't print my own money, I have to work for my money. Why don't I just lay down and die.
Homer: Is there anything you can prescribe, Doctor?
Dr. Hibbert: Fire, and lots of it.
Marge: Oh, that's your cure for everything.
Homer: I'm back...
Marge: Did you rent "Waiting to Exhale"?
Homer: [sadly] No... they put me on the "Waiting to Exhale" waiting list, but told me not to hold my breath.
Chief Wiggum: Do it for this adorable little puppy. Look at the puppy, Marge.
Marge: That's your hat.
Lou: She's good, chief.
[a gay pride parade is marching past the Simpson home]
Gay men: We're here. We're queer. Get used to it.
Lisa: We are used to it. You do this every year.
Gay man: Aww, you take all the fun out of it.
Homer: But I can't leave the country. What about my wife and kids?
Smithers: That can be shipped.
Principal Skinner: Order, order. Do you kids wanna be like the real UN or do you just wanna squabble and waste time?
Ralph: The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there.
Homer: Save me Jeebus.
Rev. Lovejoy: No Homer, God didn't burn your house down, but he was working in the hearts of your friends be they Christian, Jew, or... miscellaneous.
Apu: Hindu. There are seven hundred million of us.
Rev. Lovejoy: Aww, that's super.
Cartoonist: Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"? Aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important?
[backpedaling]
Cartoonist: Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that.
[pause]
Cartoonist: I'm fired, aren't I?
Kent Brockman: The Who will be playing tonight at Springfield's historic Yahoo Search Engine Arena.
Mr. Burns: Whoa, slow down there maestro. There's a NEW Mexico?
Restaurant Owner: C'Mon. You gonna kill him with a pastry? I've seen this man eat a bowl of change.
Homer: [drunk] See, the thing about my family is there are five of 'em: Marge, Bart, girl Bart, the one that doesn't talk, and the fat guy. Oh, how I loathe him.
[the Simpsons are buying tickets to a PG-13 movie]
Lisa: Mom, why is this movie rated PG-13?
Marge: [reading pamphlet] It says it may contain brief rudeness, adult explosions, and scenes with Garry Shandling.
[Bart and Lisa shudder]
Chief Wiggum: Slink away boys, slink away.
Mel Gibson: I'm too old for this.
Homer: How old are you, anyway?
Mel Gibson: Well, I'm told I can play anyone from 28 to...
Homer: Sorry I asked.
Bart: I wasn't going to gamble. I just wanted a Bloody Mary.
Fidel Castro: Ahhh, the Americans aren't *so* bad, they named a street after me in San Francisco.
[Aide whispers in his ear]
Fidel Castro: It's full of *what*?
[Bachman Turner Overdrive is playing at a county fair]
Bart: Who are those pleasant old men?
Homer: It's BTO. They're Canada's answer to ELP. Their big hit was TCB.
[Bart stares at Homer]
Homer: That's how we talked in the '70s. We didn't have a moment to spare.
Announcer: Now, let's take a look at a young Charles Bronson's brief stint replacing Andy Griffith in "The Andy Griffith Show"
Barney: Where's Otis? He's not in his cell.
Bronson: I shot him.
Barney: Well that's... what?
Bronson: And now, I'm going down to Emmett's Fix-It Shop.
[cocks gun]
Bronson: To fix Emmett.
["Andy Griffith Show" theme plays]
Chief Wiggum: At this time we have no leads but I can safely say that Apu didn't suffer.
Lou: It looks like he suffered to me chief.
Chief Wiggum: Aw jeeze Lou. How long were you planning on letting me drink this stuff?
[Burns and Smither have been watching Bart Simpson's human interest story on ducks. Burns is crying]
Mr. Burns: Smithers, do you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?
Smithers: There's no maybe about it, Sir.
Mr. Burns: Excellent.
Mr. Burns: [repeated line] Excellent.
Marge: Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
Homer: Well in that case, He should've made the week an hour longer. Lousy God.
Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: Put out an APB on a Uosdwis R. Dewoh... Uh, better start with Greek town.
FBI Agent: That's Homer J. Simpson, chief. You're reading it upside down.
Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: Uh, cancel that APB. But, uh, oh, bring back some of them, uh, gyros.
FBI Agent: Uh, chief... you're talking into your wallet.
[credit cards unfold out of Wiggum's wallet]
[the Professor Fink theme song]
Professor Frink: Professor Fink, Professor Fink/He'll make you laugh/He'll make you think/He likes to run and then the thing with the... person.
Homer: In your face, space coyote.
[Bart is faking illness to get out of a test he hasn't prepared for]
Bart: Ohhhh, my ovaries.
Barney: [drinking beer from the tap at Moe's] Uh-oh, my heart just stopped.
[pauses]
Barney: Oh, there it goes.
Homer: Just a statue? Is the Statue of Liberty just a statue? Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza just a statue?
Homer: Lisa, would you like a donut?
Lisa: No thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple in it. Purple is a fruit.
Rex Banner: Are you the Beer Baron?
Ned Flanders: Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guilt-diddily-ildly as char-didily-arged.
Rex Banner: He's not the Baron, but he sounds drunk. Take him in.
[Lou and Eddie arrest Ned]
[At the Kwik-E-Mart]
Dr. Hibbert: [Speaking to Apu] Marge is right, sugar is not only fattening but it's also terribly, terribly addictive... Uh, is my carton of Pixie Sticks in?
Apu: No, it hasn't come in yet.
Dr. Hibbert: [Pounds his fist on the counter] Dammit. When they come in you call me at this number.
Apu: [Reads the number Dr. Hibbert gives him] 911?
Homer: Family meeting. Family meeting.
[the rest of the family runs into the dining room and quickly takes their seats]
Homer: Okay, people, let's keep this short. We all want to get home to our families.
[all laugh]
Homer: All right, first item: I lost our life savings in the stock market. Now let's move on to the real issue: Lisa's hogging of the maple syrup.
Lisa: Well, maybe if Mom didn't make such dry waffles. There, I said it.
Marge: Well, maybe if you'd eat some meat you'd have a natural lubricant.
[gasps and turns to Homer]
Marge: You lost all our money?
Homer: Point of order - I didn't lose ALL the money. There was enough left for this cowbell.
[rings it softly and the bell breaks apart in his hands]
Homer: Damn you, eBay.
[Talking about Agnes Skinner in a low-cut dress]
Abe Simpson: What's keeping that dress on?
Sideshow Mel: The collective will of everyone in this room.
Warden: He drew a unicorn in space. I ask ya, what's it breathing?
Homer: Air?
Warden: Ain't no air in space.
Homer: There's an Air & Space Museum...
Groundskeeper Willie: All right Skinner, that's the last time you'll slap your Willie around.
[Skinner hands Edna Krabappel an ice cream cone]
Mrs. Krabappel: Oh Seymour, you shouldn't have. It's going to go straight to my thighs.
Principal Seymour: Well Edna, it just might have some company.
[after days and days on a hunger strike, Homer hallucinates]
Homer: Hey, who are you?
Ghost: The ghost of Cesar Chavez.
Homer: Why do you look like Cesar Romero?
Ghost: Cause you don't know what Cesar Chavez looks like.
Marge: Oh, Homer, don't start stalking people again. It's so illegal. Remember when you were stalking Charles Karault because you thought he dug up your garden?
Homer: Well, something did.
Marge: I don't want you stalking people tonight.
Homer: All right, fine. I'll be right back. I'm just going outside... to... stalk... Lenny and Carl... D'oh!
[Krusty does a Halloween show, reading off cue cards]
Krusty the Clown: Tonight I'm going to suck...
[waits for second cue card]
Krusty the Clown: ...your blood.
Homer: The sun? That's the hottest place on Earth.
[Homer and Marge have been called in to the school to talk to Principal Skinner]
Principal Skinner: Thank you for coming.
Homer: Thank you for getting me out of work.
Lisa: Bart, this is priceless.
Bart: Priceless like a mother's love, or the good kind?
Miss Hoover: Children, I won't be staying long. I just came from the doctor, and I have Lyme disease. Principal Skinner will run the class until a substitute arrives.
Ralph: What's Lyme disease?
Principal Skinner: I'll field that one.
[goes to blackboard]
Principal Skinner: Lyme disease is spread by small parasites called 'ticks'.
[writes 'TICKS' on blackboard]
Principal Skinner: When a diseased tick attaches itself to you, it begins sucking your blood...
Miss Hoover: [not calmed] Oh...
Principal Skinner: Malignant spirochetes infect your bloodstream, eventually spreading to your spinal fluid and on into the brain.
Miss Hoover: The brain? Oh, dear God...
Class: Wow.
Lenny: So then I said to the cop, "No, you're driving under the influence... of being a jerk."
Marge: Homer, did you jimmy open Mr. Burns' liquor cabinet?
Homer: Ooh "Jimmy" is such an ugly word, Marge. Unless you're talking about Jimmy Smits.
Moe: Bring us your finest food, stuffed with your second-finest.
Waiter: Very well, the lobster stuffed with tacos.
[Homer is driving Mayor Quimby's limo]
Mayor Quimby: Just remember... you represent the office of the mayor. So always comport yourself in a manner befitting - quick. Honk at that broad.
Lisa: All we found were these oozing berries, and they look pretty poisonous.
Ralph: I ated the purple berries... oooh, oohh
[falls to ground]
Ralph: ooohhh.
Lisa: How are they Ralph? Good?
Ralph: They taste like... burning.
Principal Skinner: Hello, Edna. I know we had dinner plans tonight, but instead I'm leaving town forever.
[a rat steals the key]
Ralph: The pointy kitty took it.
[answering a prank phone call from Bart]
Moe: Moe's Tavern... Yeah, just a sec, I'll check.
[calling out]
Moe: Uh, Amanda Hugginkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Hugginkiss. Aw, why can't I find Amanda Hugginkiss?
[whole bar bursts into laughter]
Barney: Maybe your standards are too high!
Moe: [into phone] You little SOB! If I ever find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs up your butt!
Chief Wiggum: Ok all you have to do is record on this tape and get fat Tony to say something incriminating.
[Looks at tape]
Bart: Hootie and the Blowfish?
Chief Wiggum: Hey, it was cheaper than a blank tape.
[Discussing Science versus Religion]
Ned Flanders: Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins the movie by telling you how it ends. Well, I say there are some things we don't want to know. Important things.
[Bill Clinton is playing the saxophone in a marching parade]
Moe: Hey Clinton, get back to work.
Bill Clinton: Make me.
[in Homer's dream]
Bart: He thought that trip to the guillotine factory was just for fun, but it was the perfect place to shoot him.
Lisa: Dad, what would you say if I told you that you can lose weight without dieting?
Homer: I'd say you were a lying scumbag. Why, honey?
[responding to sign on Stoner's Pot Place]
Otto: That is flagrant false advertising.
[Kim Basinger is working out, Homer is coaching her]
Homer: And stretch. And strain. And hyperextend. Keep those knees rigid. Jerk that lower back.
Kim Basinger: I'm getting some shooting pains in my neck...
Homer: That's right, force it. Whip that neck.
[Alec Baldwin enters the room]
Alec Baldwin: Does anybody know where this came from?
Homer: Oh, there's that script I wrote. Where did you find it?
Alec Baldwin: It was on my pillow.
Homer: The important thing is, it has the perfect part for you. For either of you. It's about a killer robot driving instructor who travels back in time for some reason. Ron Howard's attached to direct.
Ron Howard: No I'm not.
Homer: Well, he expressed an interest.
Ron Howard: No I didn't.
Homer: Did too.
[Bart and Milhouse are watching the original Itchy cartoon]
Milhouse: [reading] "Itchy runs afoul of an Irishman." Watch out, Itchy. He's Irish.
Mel Gibson: Come with me to Hollywood.
Homer: You had me at "hello".
Mel Gibson: I didn't say hello.
[after finishing building a church]
Homer: Look at what a wonderful prison we've built for God.
[Marge accidentally got breast imp
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Wendell: I'm sorry.
Groundskeeper Willie: That's all right lad. You reminded me of why I got into this work in the first place.
Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
Bender: Great, you guy are my new best friends!
Homer: You wish!
[Homer throws Bender out of the car destroying him]
Principal Skinner: [over the intercom] Attention please, I need a volunteer for a thankless chore.
[Lisa raises her hand]
Principal Skinner: Shall I assume the only hand in the air is Lisa Simpson? Thank you, Lisa.
Bart: Mom, am I a butch or a femme?
Marge: [with hand lifted] Honey, you can be anything you want to be.
Bart: [after they watch a foreign film] I was so bored I cut the pony tail off the guy in front of us.
[holds pony tail to his head]
Bart: Look at me, I'm a grad student. I'm 30 years old and I made $600 last year.
Marge: Bart, don't make fun of grad students. They've just made a terrible life choice.
Redneck Matt Groening: [notices he's being filmed drinking Tequila shots behind his desk]
[shouts, heavily accented]
Redneck Matt Groening: Get out of my office!
[fires a six-shooter twice]
Guy N. Cognito: [comes into Moe's looking exactly like Homer except for a fake-looking moustache and silly voice] Hello! My name is Guy N. Cognito.
Moe: Get out of here, Homer!
[sound of Guy N. Cognito getting beaten up and thrown unconscious into the street]
Homer: [walking along despondent until he stumbles onto Guy N. Cognito] Oh, my God, this man is my exact double!
[a small, puffy-tailed dog walks by]
Homer: That dog has a puffy tail!
[Homer leaves Guy and starts pursuing the dog]
Homer: Here, puff!
Grampa: [banging a slipper against a pot in a state of senility]
[shouts]
Grampa: The Swedish are coming! The Swedish are coming!
[Tom Brady is riding a scooter down the football field]
Tom Brady: [shouts] Everyone sucks but me!
Homer: D'oh!
Homer Simpson: Sometimes, Marge, you just have to go with your gut.
Marge: You *always* go with your gut. How about for once you listen to your brain?
Marge: [the Simpsons are touring Toronto, Canada] So, I see you drive on the left up here.
Tour Guide: No, ma'am. I'm drunk.
Bart: Can I have a beer?
Homer: All right, but not the imported.
Marge: Homer!
Homer: You've got to set limits, Marge.
Grampa: We're the baddest punks in our age bracket!
Mr. Burns: Oh, so mother nature needs a favor? Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys.
Grampa: [to Homer] Make me proud... or at least less ashamed.
Marge: There's no shame in being a pariah.
Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man...
[laughs hysterically]
Homer: So to answer your question, I don't know.
Krusty the Clown: This I don't need.
Mr. Burns: I can't be responsible for what my goons are ordered to do.
Marge: [Marge has entered a demolition derby] Don't hit me! I'm not like you people, I'm loved!
[the Simpsons are housesitting at Mr. Burns' mansion. They are eating dinner at Mr. Burns' oversized dinner table]
Marge: This all seems a little elaborate for Sloppy Joes. I know what the other 12 forks are for, but I don't know what to do with this one.
Homer: Why Marge my dear, I believe you are supposed to scratch your ass with it.
Marge: Homer!
[scratches rear with fork]
Marge: Ooh...
Robot 1: Hey, these cards are mine.
[table falls]
Robot 2: Now look what you've done.
Robot 1: I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me.
Robot 3: Let's forget this whole thing happened.
Homer: What the heck is this, a tea party? Somebody kill somebody.
[Homer smashes a bottle on a robot's head. The robots begin to shoot Homer, who dives under a table]
Marge: What is it with you and robots?
Homer: I don't need your pity or your money.
[pockets money]
Ron Howard: Usually when you say that, you give the money back.
Bart: Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here?
Leonard Nimoy: Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near.
Bart: [flippantly] Uh-huh.
Hot Dog Vendor: Hey Spock, what do you want on your hot dog?
Leonard Nimoy: Surprise me.
[TV executives want Homer for a TV ad about bald and impotent men]
Homer: Well, I am bald and important!
Mr. Burns: Thank you, come again. Smithers, release the hounds.
Apu: [two bullies walk out with store merchadise] Thank you steal again.
Apu: Yeah I finked on Homer but he deserved it. Never have I seen such abuse of the "Take A Penny, Leave A Penny" Tray.
Homer: [picks up Maggie as he watches a Thanksgiving football game] See those blue and silver guys, Maggie? They're the Dallas Cowboys. They're Daddy's favorite team, and he wants them to lose by at least three points.
Actor Homer: I do not miss Bart at all.
Actor Marge: I am glad he's gone.
Actress Lisa: As am I.
Actor Homer: [drops sandwich] Boh!
Bart: It's probably my imagination but something about them didn't seem quite right.
Mr. Burns: Really? excuse me for just a moment.
Mr. Burns: [Mr.Burns walks from the control room out into the studio where cameras have been set up along with a fake living room of the Simpsons' place] People, that was all wrong. Homer Simpson does not say Boh! He says.
[checks script]
Mr. Burns: Doh!
Cletus: He really speaks to me, the average Joe six-tooth.
Cletus's Wife: When did you get another tooth?
Cletus: The sidewalk.
Homer: Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?
Apu: Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.
Homer: Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.
[Burns learns about the stock market crash of 1929]
Mr. Burns: Oh no. Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash?
Smithers: Well, sir, it happened 25 years before I was born.
Mr. Burns: Oh, that's your excuse for everything.
Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
Homer: God is teasing me. Just like he teased Moses in the desert.
Marge: *Tested,* Homer. God *tested* Moses.
Moe: Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.
Moe: I've been planning this vacation for years. I'm finally going to see Easter Island.
Homer: Oh, right, with the giant heads.
Moe: With the what now?
Reverend Lovejoy: This so-called new religion is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants, designed to take away the money of fools. Now let's say the Lord's Prayer 40 times, but first, let's pass the collection plate.
Kang: Holy fleurking schnit!
Marge: Bart, stop pestering Satan.
[Bart's looking for his dog]
Willy: Yeah, I bought your mutt - and I 'ate 'im.
[Bart gasps]
Willy: I 'ate 'is little face, I 'ate 'is guts, and I 'ate the way 'e's always barkin'. So I gave 'im to the church.
Bart: Ohhh, I see... you HATE him, so you gave him to the church.
Willy: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug.
[Bart stares]
Willy: Ya heard me.
Bart Simpson: I want to be emancipated!
Homer Simpson: Emancipated? Don't you like being a dude?
[Bart doing a newscast on a kids news show]
Bart: Joe Banks, 82 years young, has come to this pond everyday for the past 17 years to feed the ducks. But last month Joe made a discovery: the ducks were gone. Some say the ducks went to Canada, others say Toronto. And some people think Joe used to sit down there near those ducks. But it could be that there's just no room, in this modern world, for an old man and his ducks.
Rainer Wolfcastle: [singing] Mein bratwurst has a first name, it's F-R-I-T-Z / Mein bratwurst has a second name, it's S-C-H-N-A-C-K-E-N-P-F-E-F-F-E-R-H-A-U-S-E-N.
Rupert Murdoch: What the bloody hell?
Marge: Bart, would you like to say grace?
Bart: Yesum!
[Bart says grace in Latin]
Homer: What the hell was that?
Lisa: Bart's speaking Latin, the language of Plutarc.
Homer: [Homer looks blankly] Micky Mouse's dog?
Homer: [Lisa imagines if Homer dies during his bypass operation]
[Homer is in heaven, lying on a cloud]
Homer: Cloud goes up, cloud goes down, cloud goes up, cloud goes down.
Homer: [cut to hospital room in real life. Homer is lying on his bed] Bed goes up, bed goes down, bed goes up, bed goes down.
Homer: Me hungry.
[the Simpsons are on a wagon train in the Old West]
Homer: [singing] Cleaning my gun with the safety off, safety off, safety off, cleaning my gun with the...
[gun goes off, killing a buffalo]
Lisa: Dad, you just killed a poor, defenseless buffalo!
Homer: A poor, *delicious* buffalo. He'll be enough food for the whole wagon train.
[shoots another buffalo]
Lisa: Why did you shoot that one?
Homer: Dessert.
Homer Simpson: Huh? What's wrong? House ran away? Dog on fire?
Kent Brockman: The phony pope can be identified by his high top sneakers, and incredibly foul mouth.
Homer: [while watching a meteor shower] I wish God were alive to see this.
Homer: [Bart has offended Lisa, and he's surprised she's visibly angry at him after saying that nothing is wrong between them] Son, when a woman says nothing's wrong, it means everything's wrong. When a woman says everything's wrong, it means everything's wrong. And when a woman says that something *isn't* funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off!
[Ned has the ability to foresee one's death]
Ned Flanders: Homer, you will die eating a submarine sandwich.
Homer: What kind of bread is it?
Ned Flanders: Country parmesan.
Homer: Woo-hoo!
Moe: Yeah, you said it, Barn.
Moe: Homer's right! We're gettin' the Joan Collins special!
Kent Brockman: [talking about the people of "New Springfield" when a new area code divides the town] They use low-class expressions like "Oh, yeah!" and "Come here a minute."
Homer Simpson: [watching the TV with Bart] Oh, yeah, they think we're low class. Hey, Bart, come here a minute.
Bart: You come here a minute.
Homer Simpson: Oh, yeah...
Moe: Enough chit-chat, let's see how you like flaming trash!
Elf: Welcome to Santa's Village, where it's Christmas everyday! Closed on Christmas.
Chief Wiggum: What IS your fascination with my forbidden closet of mysteries?
Homer: So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end.
Chief Wiggum: See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya; otherwise, I got no case and you'll go scot-free.
Dr. Hibbert: We don't believe fur is murder, but paying for it sure is.
Bart: Dad, I think I need some fresh air. Can I go to the park?
Homer: Do I have to sit up?
Bart: No.
Homer: Knock yourself out.
Apu: Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie.
Comic Book Guy: Last night's "Itchy & Scratchy" was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
Homer: Hey boy. Wanna play catch?
Bart: No thanks dad.
Homer: When a son doesn't want to play catch with his father something is definitely wrong.
Grampa: I'll play catch with you.
Homer: Go home.
Marge: Lisa, normally, I would say that you should stand up for what you believe in, but you've been doing that an awful lot lately...
Bart: Yeah, you made us march in that gay rights parade.
Homer: And we cant watch Fox because they own those chemical weapons plants in Syria.
Homer: Homer no function beer well without.
Homer: Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.
Homer: Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
Moe: [after beating up a Homer dummy] Who's the sociopath, now?
Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old. Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk.
Homer: And how!
Homer: [praying] Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever.
[brief pause]
Homer: Thy bidding will be done.
[munch munch munch]
Homer: What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.
[a rock flies through Mr. Burns' office window]
Mr. Burns: Look Smithers, a bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.
[while watching a faculty talent show]
Bart: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows.
Maude Flanders: They were having S-E-X in front of C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N.
Krusty the Clown: Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down.
[Ralph is lying in bed]
Ralph: Daddy, these rubber pants are hot.
Chief Wiggum: You'll wear 'em till you learn, son.
Homer: Password.
Bart: We just want to get a snack from the fridge.
Homer: Access denied!
Bart, Lisa: But Da...
[Homer uses a sleeper hold on Bart and Lisa knocking them out]
Marge: Homer! I don't want you using your new sleeper hold on the children!
Homer: They be OK in half an hour.
Marge: And another thing, I asked you to take out the garbage three days agos and it's still... ngghhh.
[Homer uses his sleeper hold on Marge]
Homer: [Homer looks at his watch] Hmm, dinner is not for another half hour. Gahhh!
[Homer uses his sleeper hold on himself and bangs his head on the dinner table while falling to the floor]
Milhouse: [singing] When a man loves a woman...
Lenny: Which one are you? The man or the woman?
Carl: Nice one, dude.
[Bart wants to learn about sex]
Homer: I think he should learn about it the way I did.
[Flashback of Homer as a child, he is at a zoo watching monkeys]
Homer: Zookeeper!
[points to monkeys]
Homer: Those two monkeys are killing each other!
Zookeeper: [whispers in Homer's ear] They're having sex.
Homer: Oh...
Homer: Wow. Sprawl-Mart has everything, even videos of talking Christian vegetables.
Vegetable Moses: [zooms in on TV] We will not build your food pyramid. Let my pickles go!
Bart: Ay, carumba!
Homer Simpson: Books are useless! I only ever read one book, "To Kill A Mockingbird" and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the colour of his skin... but what good does *that* do me?
[in a comic book store]
Milhouse: I need a mask to hide my face. What have you got for five dollars?
Comic Book Guy: For a paltry five dollars all I can offer you is a mask from the discount bin. You have your choice of Richard Nixon or Bart Simpson.
Milhouse: Why do you have masks of Bart?
Comic Book Guy: One came free with every box of Bart Simpson action figures.
Milhouse: Why does Bart have his own action figures?
Comic Book Guy: They were a marketing tie-in with the comic book.
Milhouse: Why does Bart have a comic book?
Comic Book Guy: Your questions have become more redundant and annoying then the last three "Highlander" movies.
Marge: C'mon, Homer, Japan will be fun. You like Rashoman.
Homer: That's not how I remember it. Besides, if we wanted to see Japanese people we could have gone to the zoo.
Marge: Homer.
Homer: What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese. His name is Takashi. He's in my book club.
[Comic Book visits a dating service and grabs all the one-nighter presentation videotapes]
Clerk: Are you going to call all those women?
Comic Book Guy: No, the tapes will do just fine.
Bart: Here Homer I got you this book "Chicken Soup for the Loser".
Homer: Hmmm is it any good?
Bart: I don't know but it inspired Bill Buckner to open a chain of Laundromats.
Agnes Skinner: You failed, Seymour. What is it with you and failure?
[Kodos and Kang appear at The Simpsons' door]
Homer: Oh no, Mormons!
Kang: Actually, we're Quantum Presbyterians.
Drill Sergeant: Look soldier, you don't like me, and I don't like you.
Homer: I like you.
Drill Sergeant: Well, I don't like you.
Homer: Maybe you'd like me if you got to know me better.
Homer: Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away?
Lisa: Because they discovered gold right over there.
Homer: It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything.
Guide: Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by prostitute express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from Saint Joe in three days, Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as a place where a trailhand could spend a month's pay in three minutes.
Homer: Three minutes.
[whistles]
Marge: I never realized history was so filthy.
Homer: Look, all I'm saying is, if these big stars didn't want people going through their garbage and saying they're gay, then they shouldn't have tried to express themselves creatively.
Chief Wiggum: They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day.
[Homer is using butter as a pencil holder]
Marge: Is that my butter?
Homer: Can't talk - taking another delicious memo.
[Licks tip of pencil as if about to write]
Homer: Mmmmm... memo.
Moe: They think they're so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants.
Lisa: Dad, just for once don't you want to try something new?
Homer: Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.
[Homer tries to gain passage on an escape rocket]
Homer: I am the piano genius from the movie "Shine".
Guard: And your name is...?
Homer: Uhh... Shiney McShine.
[Why he prefers the original "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington."]
Homer: At least that Jimmy Stewart version had that giant rabbit who ran the Savings & Loan.
Newspaper editor: We're looking for a new food critic, someone who doesn't immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats.
Homer: Nah, it usually takes a few hours.
Marge: Only your father could take a part-time job at a small town paper and wind up the target of international assassins.
Mr. Burns: Next.
Mr. Burns: Smithers, you could learn a thing or two from this braying moron.
Chief Wiggum: We'll track down Simpson with your vehicles anti-theft system.
Car System: Car gone Car gone!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, we know that. Where has it gone to?
Car System: Car gone! Car gone! Car gone!
Homer: Must kill Moe Wee! Must Kill Moe Wee!
Apu: Here at the Kwik-E-Mart we believe in America. Please do not beat me up anymore.
[Kang and Kodos are cooking the Simpsons]
Bart: Am I the only one in horrible pain?
Homer: You're the only one who won't shut up about it.
Professor Frink: Let the commencing beginulate!
Homer: *Finally*... Science has joined forces with Revenge.
TV Announcer: [At the end of a commercial for a combination hair restorer/penis enlarger] Possible side effects include loss of scalp and penis.
Lisa: It seems every week the Simpsons go through a situation like this. My suggestion is to just ride it out, make the occasional smart-aleck quip, and next week, we'll return right to where we were, ready for another wacky adventure.
Bart: Aye carumba.
Lisa: That's the spirit.
Sideshow Bob: [after his demands are met] Yes. They're giving in.
[pause]
Sideshow Bob: Blast. I should've made more demands. Maybe next time...
Mel Gibson: John Travolta flew me over in his jet. Now I have to help him move next weekend. He deliberately waited until we were in the air to ask me.
[in the car on the way to Florida]
Lisa: Mom, Bart's sitting next to me.
Bart: Mom, Lisa's growing.
Marge: Quiet, you two. You know your father's just had a breakdown.
Homer: My pockets hurt.
Homer: Oh, they have the Internet on computers now.
Lisa: I'm so glad you're home. Bart's acting funny.
Homer: "Ray J" funny or "O.J." funny?
Homer: Son, I just want you to know I have total faith in you.
Bart: Since when?
Homer: Since your mother yelled at me.
Rev. Lovejoy: I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens. Who came to earth... and then died... only to be brought back to life again. And his name was: E.T., the extra-terrestrial. I love that little guy.
Lionel Hutz: And as for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in the state. Often as a lawyer.
Bart: Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.
[observing the farm's green glow after Homer put toxic chemicals on it]
Marge: It's eerily beautiful. Are you sure it's safe?
Homer: You know what they say - sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart.
Marge: You got that from a movie poster.
Homer: Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope.
Marge: Where'd you get that from?
Homer: From the producers of "Waiting To Exhale".
Homer: It's like David and Goliath, only this time David won.
[Lisa sighs]
Lisa's Brain: I know, I heard it too. Here's some music.
[Piano music plays quietly. Lisa smiles contentedly]
Homer: Just because I don't know doesn't mean I don't understand.
Kent Brockman: Just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The government calls it the Army, but a more alarmist name would be... The Killbot Factory.
Kent Brockman: Springfield has come down with a fever: football fever. If you have the fever, there's only one cure. Take 2 tickets, and see the game Sunday morning.
Public Service Announcer: Warning. Tickets should NOT be taken internally.
Homer: See? Because of me, now they have a warning.
[Writing a food review]
Homer: The bread was... the bread was...
Santa's Little Helper: Ruff.
Homer: You've been pitching that one all night.
Santa's Little Helper: Chewy?
Kent Brockman: Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?
Professor: Yes I would, Kent.
[Homer and Bart are being taunted for riding in an electric car]
Gay Robots: One of us. One of us. One of us.
Homer: Please don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.
Homer: Well, I hope you've learnt your lesson, Lisa: never help anyone.
Homer: You mean you gave away both your dogs? You know how I feel about giving.
Bart: Man, I'm so bored.
Milhouse: Wait until we're teenagers, then we'll be happy.
Homer: If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it's not a fair.
Homer: These candidates make me want to vomit in terror.
Ned Flanders: A rude Frenchman. Why I never.
Homer: Boy, everyone is stupid except me.
Homer: [to Bart] I always knew you had personality. The doctor said it was hyperactivity, but I knew better.
Mr. Burns: Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons.
PBS Pledge Drive Host: It's easy to see why it's England's most long-running series - and we're showing all of them, all 7 episodes.
Lisa: Mom. Dad's on PBS.
Marge: Mm? They don't show police chases, do they?
[Bees have escaped from a bee farm]
Beekeeper 1: Hmmm. Awfully quiet around here.
Beekeeper 2: Yes... a little TOO quiet, if you know what I mean.
Beekeeper 1: Hmmm. Afraid I don't.
Beekeeper 2: You see, bees usually make a lot of noise. No noise suggests no bees.
Beekeeper 1: Hmm... oh look, there goes one.
Beekeeper 2: To the bee mobile.
Beekeeper 1: You mean your Chevy?
Beekeeper 2: ...Yes.
Homer: People will think what I tell them to think when you tell me what to tell them to think.
[Moe is making a fortune from Homer's drink recipe]
Marge: Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy.
Homer: Ooh, look at me. I'm making people happy. I'm the magical man from Happyland, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane.
[walks out, slams door, then sticks head back in]
Homer: Oh, by the way: I was being sarcastic.
Marge: Well, duh.
[Marge is working at a real estate firm]
Lionel Hutz: I've been getting a lot of calls about you, Marge. People just love your no-pressure approach.
Marge: Well, you know what we say: the right house for the right person.
Lionel Hutz: I'm going to let you in on a little secret. The right house is the house that's for sale. And the right person is anyone.
Mr. Burns: So, Smithers, what are you doing this weekend. Something gay, I expect?
Smithers: What?
Mr. Burns: You know, light and fancy free. Mothers, lock up your daughters. Smithers is on the town.
Smithers: Oh. Of course.
Homer: Ah, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk.
Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get.
[Nelson's friends catch him kissing Lisa]
Kearney: Aw man. You just kissed a girl.
Jimbo Jones: That is so gay.
Principal Skinner: There's no justice like angry-mob justice.
Marge: Aren't you going to perform the last rites?
Rev. Lovejoy: That's Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to perform a voodoo dance.
[Lisa sees a sign for a "Yahoo Serious Festival"]
Lisa: I know those words, but that sign doesn't make sense.
Bart Simpson: I want to be emancipated!
Homer Simpson: Emancipated? Why do you want that? Don't you like being a dude?
Lisa: Dad, I still don't understand how you could just give my room away?
Homer: Honey, what's your favorite movie?
Lisa: Well, until you taped over it, "The Little Mermaid".
Homer: That's right. "The Odd Couple". Meet your new, mismatched roommate- Bart.
Bart: I'm going to make your life a living hell.
Lisa: Ohh...
[Homer hums "Odd Couple" theme, shoves Lisa into the room and runs away]
Lisa: Thank you, Mr. President.
Bill Clinton: No, thank you, Lisa. For teaching kids everywhere a valuable lesson: If things don't go your way, just keep complaining until your dreams come true.
Marge: That's a pretty lousy lesson.
Bill Clinton: Hey, I'm a pretty lousy president.
Mayor Quimby: Oh, dear God. Can't this town go one day without a riot?
[Homer uncovers a scheme to supply low-grade milk to the school]
Homer: They're milking rats. Rats.
Mayor Quimby: [to Fat Tony] Rats? You promised me dog or higher.
[about to watch dinner theater]
Ned Flanders: Dear Lord, please let tonight's production be better than Othello starring Peter Marshall.
Homer: Once you go to the Vatican, you can't go back again!
[Homer is missing work, and puts a manatee in charge]
Smithers: I believe that's a manatee posing as Homer Simpson, sir.
Homer: I think I saw him in Rent, or Stomp, or Clomp, or some piece of crap like that.
Homer: If he's so smart, how come he's dead?
Newspaper Tour Guide: And each paper contains a certain percentage of recycled paper.
Lisa: What percentage is that?
Newspaper Tour Guide: Zero. Zero is a percent, isn't it?
Marge: You love Shake n' Bake. You used to put it in your coffee.
Lucy Lawless: I'll take you home.
[Lucy flies, carrying Bart and Lisa]
Lisa: Hey, Xena can't fly.
Lucy Lawless: I told you, I'm not Xena. I'm Lucy Lawless.
Homer: We can outsmart those dolphins. Don't forget - we invented computers, leg warmers, bendy straws, peel-and-eat shrimp, the glory hole, AND the pudding cup.
[after the angel hoax is exposed]
Homer: What the hell are we going to do with 10,000 angel ashtrays?
Bart: I could take up smoking.
Homer: You damn well better.
[Pulling broccoli from Homer's corpse]
Dr. Hibbert: Another broccoli-related death.
Marge: But I thought broccoli was...
Dr. Hibbert: Oh yes. One of the deadliest plants on earth. It tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste.
Homer's ghost: Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.
Marge: Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house...
Homer's ghost: Whoa whoa whoa. I'm just trying to get in, I'm not running for Jesus.
Homer: I want to set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute.
Marge: [sings] How many roads must a man walk down / Before you can call him a man...
Homer: Seven.
Lisa: No, dad, it's a rhetorical question.
Homer: OK, eight.
Lisa: Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical" means?
Homer: Do *I* know what "rhetorical" means?
Mr. Burns: If the house catches fire, call this number.
Marge: Uh-huh. The fire department.
Mr. Burns: Yes. They're new. But they're good.
Ned Flanders: Homer, I think you hit something.
Homer: I hope it was Flanders.
Lionel Hutz: Well, I didn't win. Here's your pizza.
Marge: But we did win.
Lionel Hutz: That's okay. The box is empty.
[Showing Simpsons "outtakes."]
Troy McClure: If that's what they cut out, what they leave in must be pure gold.
Maude Flanders: Neddy, I've had just about all I can take of Homer Simpson's torso. I'll go get some hot dogs.
Ned Flanders: No foot-longs.
Maude Flanders: I know, they make you uncomfortable.
[Moe is describing a plan to Homer]
Moe: Okay Homer, this olive is you...
Homer: Mmm... me...
Homer: Marge, can I go out and play?
Homer: [muttering] Lousy big shot, thinks he's so big 'cause he's got a lot of guns, if he didn't have any guns I'd show him a thing or two...
[at home, pacing the hallway in front of Lisa's bedroom]
Homer: ... let's see him walk into my store and then we'll see who's worried about five-day waiting periods...
Lisa: Dad, it's 3:00 AM. Cant you mutter in your room?
Homer: Marge kicked me out.
Lisa: All right, go ahead.
Homer: Pushy kids think they can tell me what to do in my house, Why, I tell you these parents these days they don't know how to rear children...
Homer: Well crying isn't going to help. Now, you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food until your dog comes back, or you can go out there and find your dog.
Bart: You're right.
[Gets up and leaves]
Homer: Rats. I almost had him eating dog food.
Homer: [to Lisa] You stupid know-nothing know-it-all.
Homer: [Comforting] There, there. Shut up boy.
Moe: Sounds like you're having a rough Christmas. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.
Homer: [drunk] Yeah, you're right, Moe. You're always Moe.
Lisa: Where's that music coming from?
Marge: And all the liquor?
Homer: It's a party, Marge. It doesn't have to make sense.
[Fanzo threw a Barbie in the fire and strangled a Krusty toy]
Bart: Why is it destroying other toys?
Lisa: It must be programmed to do so to eliminate competition.
Bart: You mean like Microsoft?
Lisa: Yeah.
[while trying to get a convict's parole granted]
Jack: I shot a guy named Apu.
Marge: Hmmm... Well a lot of people shoot Apu.
Ralph: Your toys are fun to touch. Mine are all sticky.
Krustyburger manager: We need more secret sauce. Put this mayonnaise in the sun.
[Homer sits down in the middle of the night to eat cheese]
Homer: Mmmm. Sixty-four slices of American Cheese...
[begins eating]
Homer: ... sixty-four... sixty-three...
[morning comes, Homer is still eating]
Homer: Two... one...
[Marge walks in]
Marge: Have you been up all night eating cheese?
Homer: I think I'm blind.
Chief Wiggum: Oh, sure. We'd all love some *real* friends, Marge. But what are the odds of that happening?
Homer: Mmmm... forbidden donut.
Ralph: That's where I saw the leprechaun. He told me to burn things.
Barney: David Crosby? You're my hero.
David Crosby: Oh, you like my music?
Barney: You're a musician?
[playing a religious board game]
Lisa: Where are the dice?
Todd Flanders: Daddy says dice are wicked.
Rod Flanders: We just move one space at a time. It's less fun that way.
Homer: There's your giraffe, little girl.
Ralph: I'm a boy.
Homer: That's the spirit. Never give up.
State Comptroller Atkins: This grant ensures a light bulb in every classroom, and a high-definition TV for the teachers lounge.
Bill Clinton: I know you don't think you're good enough for me, but believe me, you are. Hell, I done it with pigs. Real, no-foolin' pigs.
Judge Snyder: The clown is down.
Mr. George Willson: Simpson, you?re a menace!
Mrs. Martha Wilson: Leave him alone George.
Mr. George Willson: Martha, I want a divorce.
Mrs. Martha Wilson: Oh thank you, you've made me so happy.
Waylon Smithers: [with a very attractive woman] Sir, you knew I was on a date.
Bart: Mr. Smithers? But I thought you were... you know...
Waylon Smithers: Oh no, I'm straight. As long as I keep taking these shots!
[injects shot into arm]
Waylon Smithers: I love boobies!
Kent Brockman: Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for Philosophy majors - useful people are starting to feel the pinch.
Psychiatrist: Is there a lot of screaming at your house?
Bart: Well, my dad's always yelling about the white man keeping him down.
Homer: Gee, Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know; way richer than Lenny.
Mr. Burns: Yes, but I'd trade it all for a little more.
Homer: What are you kids doing?
Lisa, Bart: Practicing tennis
Homer: That's tennis? Then what's that sport where the chicks whale on each other?
Bart: Foxy Boxing?
Homer: [disappointedly] Yes. That's what I wanted. Oh.
[Homer cries]
Kent Brockman: We win again. But the real winners here are Marge's Hors D'Oeuvres.
Homer: How do you come up with such witty remarks?
[focuses in on ear plug/mic]
Guy in the van: I guess you could say its my racket.
Kent Brockman: I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.
Homer: Get off my property.
[Homer is camping out to buy football tickets]
Homer: Heh-heh-heh, I did it. Second in line, and all I had to do was miss eight days of work.
Man: With the money you would have made working, you could have bought tickets from a scalper.
Homer: In theory, yes.
[sotto voce]
Homer: Jerk.
[about the hurricane]
Homer: All right everyone, it's the standard Grampa drill... everyone into the cellar.
Ned Flanders: You ugly hate-filled man.
Moe: Hey. I may be ugly and I may be hate-filled but... uh... what was that last thing you said?
Dr. Foster: You are free to roam around the grounds but do be warned one of our patients *is* a cannibal. Try to guess which one... I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Homer: Lisa, I want you to remember me just as I am right now, filled with murderous rage.
Homer: Never fear. The cosmic fool is here.
Lisa: Miss Tan, I loved The Joy Luck Club. You really showed me how the mother-daughter bond could survive adversity.
Amy Tan: No, no, that's not what I meant at all. I can't believe how wrong you got it. Just sit down, I'm embarrassed for both of us.
Mr. Burns: Mr. Simpson, you're smarter than you look, or sound, or our best testing indicates.
Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour, why are there children walking on my head?
Marge: Church should help you with your everyday life.
Homer: It should, but it doesn't. Now who wants to go down to the dump with me?
Doug: In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is a magic xylophone, or something? Ha ha, boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
Homer: I'll field that one. Let me ask *you* a question. Why would a grown man whose shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?
[embarrassed pause]
Doug: I withdraw my question.
[starts eating a candy bar]
Sideshow Bob: Rakes, my arch enemy.
Bart: I thought I was your arch enemy.
Sideshow Bob: I have a life outside you, Bart.
Comic Book Guy: Ack. There is no "emoticon" to express what I am feeling right now.
Comic Book Guy: Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.
[Bart has just described the island paradise he envisages]
Nelson: How many monkey butlers will there be?
Bart: One at first. But he'll train others.
Ralph: I bent my wookie.
Marge: Homer, why aren't you at work? You're late.
Homer: They said if I came in late again that I would get fired, and I can't risk that, so I'm not going.
Homer: Biatch? Me?
[after Poochie the dog debuts on the Itchy and Scratchy show to a lukewarm response]
Homer: I liked it... right?
Homer's Brain: You don't wanna know what I think... Now look sad and say "D'oh!...?
Homer: D'oh!...
Marge: Everybody's afraid of something.
Homer: [smugly] Not everybody.
Marge: Sock puppets.
Homer: [shrieks in terror] Where? Where?
African tour guide: Night, night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs paralyze.
Bart: Eat my shorts.
Bart: Don't have a cow, man.
[Professor Frink has just re-animated his dead father using mechanical organs]
Professor Frink: All your organs have been replaced with machines, but that doesn't make you any less of a man. Except that you don't have a penis.
Bart: Hey wait a minute, man. You don't have to leave just because Superintendent Chalmers tells you to. You've spent your whole life following orders. From your mother, the army, Superintendent Chalmers. For once in your life, stand up for yourself, man.
Principal Skinner: Okay, Bart.
Mrs. Krabappel: Let's go, Seymour.
Principal Skinner: Okay, Edna.
Homer: When was the last time Barbara Streisand cleaned out your garage? And when it's time to do your laundry, where's Ray Bolger? I'll tell ya. Ray Bolger is looking out for Ray Bolger.
Marge: And our kids are getting lazy.
Bart: I'm not lazy, I'm... hey, Lisa, finish my sentence for me.
Lisa: Why don't you finish your own darn...
[falls asleep, falls off couch]
Homer: How was everyone's day at school?
Bart: Horrible.
Lisa: Pointless.
Marge: Exhausting. It took the class 40 minutes to locate Canada on a map.
Homer: Oh, honey, anyone could miss Canada. All tucked way down there.
Homer: Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.
Doctor: Mr. Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States. You have everything.
Mr. Burns: You mean I have pneumonia?
Doctor: Yes.
Mr. Burns: Juvenile diabetes?
Doctor: Yes.
Mr. Burns: Hysterical pregnancy?
Doctor: Uh, a little bit, yes. You also have several diseases that have just been discovered - in you.
Mr. Burns: I see. You sure you haven't just made thousands of mistakes?
Doctor: Uh, no, no, I'm afraid not.
Mr. Burns: This sounds like bad news.
Doctor: Well, you'd think so, but all of your diseases are in perfect balance. Uh, if you have a moment, I can explain.
Mr. Burns: Well...
[looks at his watch]
Mr. Burns: [the Doctor puts a tiny model house door on his desk]
Doctor: Here's the door to your body, see?
[bring up some small fuzz balls with goofy faces and limbs from under the desk]
Doctor: And these are oversized novelty germs.
[points to a different one up as he names each disease]
Doctor: That's influenza, that's bronchitis,
[holds up one]
Doctor: and this cute little cuddle-bug is pancreatic cancer. Here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once.
[tries to cram a bunch through the model door. The "germs" get stuck]
Doctor: [Stooge-like] Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo. Move it, chowderhead.
[normal voice]
Doctor: We call it, "Three Stooges Syndrome".
Mr. Burns: So what you're saying is, I'm indestructible.
Doctor: Oh, no, no, in fact, even slight breeze could...
Mr. Burns: Indestructible.
Homer: I see the light... it burns!
Bono: [after Homer invades U2's Pop-Mart concert] Wait, people. He's talking about waste management, that affects the whole damn planet!
The Edge: Awww, here he goes! Anyone fancy going to Moe's for a pint?
Adam Clayton: Can I come?
The Edge: [looks at Larry Mullen Jnr] No!
Adam Clayton: [whispers] Wankers!
[Edge and Larry turn around, and Adam pretends to be tuning his bass guitar]
Ned Flanders: That is one bitching ride.
Rod Flanders: Daddy said a bad word!
Ned Flanders: Oh, lighten up, Roddy.
Lisa: The student strike will continue until you restore music and art.
Principal Skinner: What about gym?
Lisa: [dismissive] Eh.
Ralph: Lisa's a sellout! Lisa's a sellout! Hey, Lisa. What's a sellout?
Homer: I've got more trophies than Wayne Gretzky and the Pope combined.
Mrs. Krabappel: As you know, Bart, one day your permanent record will disqualify you from all but the hottest and noisiest jobs.
Ralph: [giving report] ... and when the Doctor told me I didn't have worms anymore, that was the happiest day of my life.
Miss Hover: Thank you, Ralph, very graphic.
Homer: That guy impressed me and I am not easily impressed. Wow. A *blue car*.
Homer: It's everybody's fault but mine.
Sideshow Bob: [hypnotizing Bart] You are in my power.
Bart: [in a hypnotic voice] I am at your command.
Sideshow Bob: I didn't say anything about command. If you are in my power, say so.
Bart: I am in your power.
Sideshow Bob: That's better. No, go back to command. I like that better.
Marge: I thought you said the law was powerless.
Chief Wiggum: Powerless to *help* you, not punish you.
Homer: I know! If I sink to the bottom, I can run to shore.
Homer: I'm like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket and flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?
[after Apu's wife Manjula gives birth to Octuplets. Apu has been awake all night trying to put them all to sleep, and has fallen asleep himself]
Manjula: [Waking Apu up] Apu, it's 4:00 am, your late for work.
Apu: [Wakes Up] Oh, I just had the most beautiful dream where I died.
Manjula: Oh, no you don't. Not 'til they're out of college.
Apu: Listen, I'll die when I want to.
[Before performing his back treatment]
Homer: One, two, better not sue.
Homer: Lenny and Carl suck. Oh, don't tell them I said that Marge, because I don't want to lose their dear friendship.
Barney: I think we'd be all better off if each country had its own planet.
Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
Homer: There's a $10,000 bill in it for you.
Barney: Oh yeah? Which president is on it?
Homer: Um, all of them. They are having a party. Jimmy Carter is passed out on the couch.
[Kang and Kodos have taken the form of Bob Dole and Bill Clinton]
Kodos: I am Clin-Ton. As overlord, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal commands. End communication.
Marge: That's Slick Willy for you, always with the smooth talk.
Kent Brockman: Senator Dole, why should people vote for you?
Kang: It does not matter which way you vote. Either way your planet is doomed. Doomed. Doomed.
Kent Brockman: Well, a refreshing bit of candor from Senator Bob Dole.
Professor Ludwig: Ms. Simpson, do you think there is something funny about the term tromboner?
[in the Michael Crichton & Stephen King Bookstore]
Hans Moleman: Do you have anything by Robert Ludlum?
Storekeeper: Get out.
Homer: Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
Snake: [busts open a loaded cash register] Oh... Good-bye student loan payments.
Ned Flanders: How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says "Think"?
Homer: You mean Lisa?
Homer: The problem in the world today is communication. Too much communication.
Homer: Lisa, if I didn't have this gun, the king of England could walk right in here and start pushing you around.
[Homer starts pushing Lisa around]
Homer: D'you want that? Huh? Do ya?
Lisa: No...
Homer: Ohhh, stupid movies. Who invented these dumb things, anyway?
[menacingly]
Homer: Was it you, Bart?
Homer: You can't outsmart carnival folk. They're the cleverest folk in the world. Just look at the way they sucker regular folk with their crooked games.
Grampa: Son, you're as stupid as a mule and twice as ugly. So if a stranger offers you a ride, I'd say take it.
Ned Flanders: The Lord has drowned the wicked and spared the righteous.
Maude Flanders: Isn't that Homer Simpson?
Ned Flanders: Huh, looks like Heaven is easier to get into than Arizona State.
Bart: Dad, is this art or is it vandalism?
Homer: That's for the courts to decide.
Homer: Stupid risks are what make life worth living.
Krusty the Clown: You, sir, are an idiot.
Apu: [singing] Oh give me land, lots of land, and the starry skies above
Bart, Lisa, Ralph: [singing] Don't fence me in.
Apu: [singing] Sir you cannot pee unless you are an employee.
Homer Simpson: [singing] Can't keep it in.
[Homer kicks in the bathroom door and uses the facilities]
Homer: Is this episode going on the air live ?
June Velany: No Homer, very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animator's wrist.
Homer: "To start, press any key." Where's the "Any" key?
Marge: This is the worst thing you've ever done.
Homer: You say that so often that it's lost *all* meaning.
Lenny: There's nothing like revenge for getting back at people.
Carl: Vengeance isn't too bad either
Moe: Who'd have thought a whale would be so heavy?
[after picking up the phone]
Moe: Moe's Tavern. Hold on, I'll check.
[to the bar]
Moe: Hey, everybody. I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells, and I like to kiss my own butt.
[the bar laughs]
Moe: Oh, wait a minute.
Ralph: Hi, Principal Skinner! Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers! I'm learneding!
Homer: Oh Bart, don't worry, people die all the time. In fact, you could wake up dead tomorrow.
[reading a sign, "Do Not Touch - Willy"]
Homer: Do not touch Willy. Good advice.
Bart: I smell a museum.
Homer: Yeah, good things don't end with 'eum,' they end with 'mania' or 'teria.'
Troy McClure: Welcome to the Knowledgeum, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such automated information kiosks as "Welcome to Springfield Airport" and "Where's Nordstrom?" While you're enjoying our Hall of Wonders, your car unfortunately will be subject to repeated break-ins and...
[Fades]
Homer: What'd he say? What about my car?
Duff book of records: Springfield is now the fattest city in the U.S.
Homer: Woo Hoo. In your face Milwaukee.
Marge: Homer, we can't take his money.
Homer: Aww, I can't take his money, I can't print my own money, I have to work for my money. Why don't I just lay down and die.
Homer: Is there anything you can prescribe, Doctor?
Dr. Hibbert: Fire, and lots of it.
Marge: Oh, that's your cure for everything.
Homer: I'm back...
Marge: Did you rent "Waiting to Exhale"?
Homer: [sadly] No... they put me on the "Waiting to Exhale" waiting list, but told me not to hold my breath.
Chief Wiggum: Do it for this adorable little puppy. Look at the puppy, Marge.
Marge: That's your hat.
Lou: She's good, chief.
[a gay pride parade is marching past the Simpson home]
Gay men: We're here. We're queer. Get used to it.
Lisa: We are used to it. You do this every year.
Gay man: Aww, you take all the fun out of it.
Homer: But I can't leave the country. What about my wife and kids?
Smithers: That can be shipped.
Principal Skinner: Order, order. Do you kids wanna be like the real UN or do you just wanna squabble and waste time?
Ralph: The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there.
Homer: Save me Jeebus.
Rev. Lovejoy: No Homer, God didn't burn your house down, but he was working in the hearts of your friends be they Christian, Jew, or... miscellaneous.
Apu: Hindu. There are seven hundred million of us.
Rev. Lovejoy: Aww, that's super.
Cartoonist: Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"? Aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important?
[backpedaling]
Cartoonist: Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that.
[pause]
Cartoonist: I'm fired, aren't I?
Kent Brockman: The Who will be playing tonight at Springfield's historic Yahoo Search Engine Arena.
Mr. Burns: Whoa, slow down there maestro. There's a NEW Mexico?
Restaurant Owner: C'Mon. You gonna kill him with a pastry? I've seen this man eat a bowl of change.
Homer: [drunk] See, the thing about my family is there are five of 'em: Marge, Bart, girl Bart, the one that doesn't talk, and the fat guy. Oh, how I loathe him.
[the Simpsons are buying tickets to a PG-13 movie]
Lisa: Mom, why is this movie rated PG-13?
Marge: [reading pamphlet] It says it may contain brief rudeness, adult explosions, and scenes with Garry Shandling.
[Bart and Lisa shudder]
Chief Wiggum: Slink away boys, slink away.
Mel Gibson: I'm too old for this.
Homer: How old are you, anyway?
Mel Gibson: Well, I'm told I can play anyone from 28 to...
Homer: Sorry I asked.
Bart: I wasn't going to gamble. I just wanted a Bloody Mary.
Fidel Castro: Ahhh, the Americans aren't *so* bad, they named a street after me in San Francisco.
[Aide whispers in his ear]
Fidel Castro: It's full of *what*?
[Bachman Turner Overdrive is playing at a county fair]
Bart: Who are those pleasant old men?
Homer: It's BTO. They're Canada's answer to ELP. Their big hit was TCB.
[Bart stares at Homer]
Homer: That's how we talked in the '70s. We didn't have a moment to spare.
Announcer: Now, let's take a look at a young Charles Bronson's brief stint replacing Andy Griffith in "The Andy Griffith Show"
Barney: Where's Otis? He's not in his cell.
Bronson: I shot him.
Barney: Well that's... what?
Bronson: And now, I'm going down to Emmett's Fix-It Shop.
[cocks gun]
Bronson: To fix Emmett.
["Andy Griffith Show" theme plays]
Chief Wiggum: At this time we have no leads but I can safely say that Apu didn't suffer.
Lou: It looks like he suffered to me chief.
Chief Wiggum: Aw jeeze Lou. How long were you planning on letting me drink this stuff?
[Burns and Smither have been watching Bart Simpson's human interest story on ducks. Burns is crying]
Mr. Burns: Smithers, do you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?
Smithers: There's no maybe about it, Sir.
Mr. Burns: Excellent.
Mr. Burns: [repeated line] Excellent.
Marge: Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
Homer: Well in that case, He should've made the week an hour longer. Lousy God.
Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: Put out an APB on a Uosdwis R. Dewoh... Uh, better start with Greek town.
FBI Agent: That's Homer J. Simpson, chief. You're reading it upside down.
Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: Uh, cancel that APB. But, uh, oh, bring back some of them, uh, gyros.
FBI Agent: Uh, chief... you're talking into your wallet.
[credit cards unfold out of Wiggum's wallet]
[the Professor Fink theme song]
Professor Frink: Professor Fink, Professor Fink/He'll make you laugh/He'll make you think/He likes to run and then the thing with the... person.
Homer: In your face, space coyote.
[Bart is faking illness to get out of a test he hasn't prepared for]
Bart: Ohhhh, my ovaries.
Barney: [drinking beer from the tap at Moe's] Uh-oh, my heart just stopped.
[pauses]
Barney: Oh, there it goes.
Homer: Just a statue? Is the Statue of Liberty just a statue? Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza just a statue?
Homer: Lisa, would you like a donut?
Lisa: No thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple in it. Purple is a fruit.
Rex Banner: Are you the Beer Baron?
Ned Flanders: Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guilt-diddily-ildly as char-didily-arged.
Rex Banner: He's not the Baron, but he sounds drunk. Take him in.
[Lou and Eddie arrest Ned]
[At the Kwik-E-Mart]
Dr. Hibbert: [Speaking to Apu] Marge is right, sugar is not only fattening but it's also terribly, terribly addictive... Uh, is my carton of Pixie Sticks in?
Apu: No, it hasn't come in yet.
Dr. Hibbert: [Pounds his fist on the counter] Dammit. When they come in you call me at this number.
Apu: [Reads the number Dr. Hibbert gives him] 911?
Homer: Family meeting. Family meeting.
[the rest of the family runs into the dining room and quickly takes their seats]
Homer: Okay, people, let's keep this short. We all want to get home to our families.
[all laugh]
Homer: All right, first item: I lost our life savings in the stock market. Now let's move on to the real issue: Lisa's hogging of the maple syrup.
Lisa: Well, maybe if Mom didn't make such dry waffles. There, I said it.
Marge: Well, maybe if you'd eat some meat you'd have a natural lubricant.
[gasps and turns to Homer]
Marge: You lost all our money?
Homer: Point of order - I didn't lose ALL the money. There was enough left for this cowbell.
[rings it softly and the bell breaks apart in his hands]
Homer: Damn you, eBay.
[Talking about Agnes Skinner in a low-cut dress]
Abe Simpson: What's keeping that dress on?
Sideshow Mel: The collective will of everyone in this room.
Warden: He drew a unicorn in space. I ask ya, what's it breathing?
Homer: Air?
Warden: Ain't no air in space.
Homer: There's an Air & Space Museum...
Groundskeeper Willie: All right Skinner, that's the last time you'll slap your Willie around.
[Skinner hands Edna Krabappel an ice cream cone]
Mrs. Krabappel: Oh Seymour, you shouldn't have. It's going to go straight to my thighs.
Principal Seymour: Well Edna, it just might have some company.
[after days and days on a hunger strike, Homer hallucinates]
Homer: Hey, who are you?
Ghost: The ghost of Cesar Chavez.
Homer: Why do you look like Cesar Romero?
Ghost: Cause you don't know what Cesar Chavez looks like.
Marge: Oh, Homer, don't start stalking people again. It's so illegal. Remember when you were stalking Charles Karault because you thought he dug up your garden?
Homer: Well, something did.
Marge: I don't want you stalking people tonight.
Homer: All right, fine. I'll be right back. I'm just going outside... to... stalk... Lenny and Carl... D'oh!
[Krusty does a Halloween show, reading off cue cards]
Krusty the Clown: Tonight I'm going to suck...
[waits for second cue card]
Krusty the Clown: ...your blood.
Homer: The sun? That's the hottest place on Earth.
[Homer and Marge have been called in to the school to talk to Principal Skinner]
Principal Skinner: Thank you for coming.
Homer: Thank you for getting me out of work.
Lisa: Bart, this is priceless.
Bart: Priceless like a mother's love, or the good kind?
Miss Hoover: Children, I won't be staying long. I just came from the doctor, and I have Lyme disease. Principal Skinner will run the class until a substitute arrives.
Ralph: What's Lyme disease?
Principal Skinner: I'll field that one.
[goes to blackboard]
Principal Skinner: Lyme disease is spread by small parasites called 'ticks'.
[writes 'TICKS' on blackboard]
Principal Skinner: When a diseased tick attaches itself to you, it begins sucking your blood...
Miss Hoover: [not calmed] Oh...
Principal Skinner: Malignant spirochetes infect your bloodstream, eventually spreading to your spinal fluid and on into the brain.
Miss Hoover: The brain? Oh, dear God...
Class: Wow.
Lenny: So then I said to the cop, "No, you're driving under the influence... of being a jerk."
Marge: Homer, did you jimmy open Mr. Burns' liquor cabinet?
Homer: Ooh "Jimmy" is such an ugly word, Marge. Unless you're talking about Jimmy Smits.
Moe: Bring us your finest food, stuffed with your second-finest.
Waiter: Very well, the lobster stuffed with tacos.
[Homer is driving Mayor Quimby's limo]
Mayor Quimby: Just remember... you represent the office of the mayor. So always comport yourself in a manner befitting - quick. Honk at that broad.
Lisa: All we found were these oozing berries, and they look pretty poisonous.
Ralph: I ated the purple berries... oooh, oohh
[falls to ground]
Ralph: ooohhh.
Lisa: How are they Ralph? Good?
Ralph: They taste like... burning.
Principal Skinner: Hello, Edna. I know we had dinner plans tonight, but instead I'm leaving town forever.
[a rat steals the key]
Ralph: The pointy kitty took it.
[answering a prank phone call from Bart]
Moe: Moe's Tavern... Yeah, just a sec, I'll check.
[calling out]
Moe: Uh, Amanda Hugginkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Hugginkiss. Aw, why can't I find Amanda Hugginkiss?
[whole bar bursts into laughter]
Barney: Maybe your standards are too high!
Moe: [into phone] You little SOB! If I ever find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs up your butt!
Chief Wiggum: Ok all you have to do is record on this tape and get fat Tony to say something incriminating.
[Looks at tape]
Bart: Hootie and the Blowfish?
Chief Wiggum: Hey, it was cheaper than a blank tape.
[Discussing Science versus Religion]
Ned Flanders: Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins the movie by telling you how it ends. Well, I say there are some things we don't want to know. Important things.
[Bill Clinton is playing the saxophone in a marching parade]
Moe: Hey Clinton, get back to work.
Bill Clinton: Make me.
[in Homer's dream]
Bart: He thought that trip to the guillotine factory was just for fun, but it was the perfect place to shoot him.
Lisa: Dad, what would you say if I told you that you can lose weight without dieting?
Homer: I'd say you were a lying scumbag. Why, honey?
[responding to sign on Stoner's Pot Place]
Otto: That is flagrant false advertising.
[Kim Basinger is working out, Homer is coaching her]
Homer: And stretch. And strain. And hyperextend. Keep those knees rigid. Jerk that lower back.
Kim Basinger: I'm getting some shooting pains in my neck...
Homer: That's right, force it. Whip that neck.
[Alec Baldwin enters the room]
Alec Baldwin: Does anybody know where this came from?
Homer: Oh, there's that script I wrote. Where did you find it?
Alec Baldwin: It was on my pillow.
Homer: The important thing is, it has the perfect part for you. For either of you. It's about a killer robot driving instructor who travels back in time for some reason. Ron Howard's attached to direct.
Ron Howard: No I'm not.
Homer: Well, he expressed an interest.
Ron Howard: No I didn't.
Homer: Did too.
[Bart and Milhouse are watching the original Itchy cartoon]
Milhouse: [reading] "Itchy runs afoul of an Irishman." Watch out, Itchy. He's Irish.
Mel Gibson: Come with me to Hollywood.
Homer: You had me at "hello".
Mel Gibson: I didn't say hello.
[after finishing building a church]
Homer: Look at what a wonderful prison we've built for God.
[Marge accidentally got breast imp