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"King of the Hill" (1997)
Boomhauer:
Yeah man, I tell ya what, man. That dang ol' Internet, man. You just go on there and point and click. Talk about W-W-dot-W-com. An' lotsa nekkid chicks on there, man. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. It's real easy, man.
Luanne Platter: He's not just dancing. He's firming his thighs and tightening his buttocks.
Peggy Hill: As long as it took that river to carve the Grand Canyon, that is how long women have been learning to subtly manipulate relationships.
Dale Gribble: Oh man. What kind of lefty hootenanny is this?
Dale Gribble: You and I may be acquainted but we are not traveling companions. I am merely here to enjoy Earth Day and play some hacky-sack.
Hank: He's a football player, and football players know how to treat a woman right.
Hank: Don't play lawyer-ball, son.
Nancy Gribble: The truth is like sunlight. People used to think it's good for you.
[Hank is at the doctor's office, having injured his lower back]
Doctor: I'm sorry, Mr. Hill, I understand it's painful, but soft tissue injury just doesn't show up on film.
Hank: Hunh. So how do you fix it?
Doctor: Well, there's really nothing *I* can do. What your back needs is rest. Just have your office send over the Worker's Compensation forms and I'll sign off on 'em.
Hank: Worker's Comp? Do I look like a hobo to you? No, sir, I'm *not* going on welfare. It's Indian summer!
Doctor: Well, if you insist on working, I'll write you a prescription for pain medicine.
Hank: Whoa there, Dr. Feelgood. I work at a propane dealership, not Woodstock.
Doctor: Then I'm sorry, but all Western medicine can really offer you are drugs... *and nothing.* But some people have had good luck with yoga. I hear there's a studio over in McMainerberry.
Hank: Yoga? Isn't that a cult?
Doctor: The group that rented the space before them was a cult. That's probably what you're thinking of.
[Hank has reluctantly gone on Worker's Comp]
Dale Gribble: *Clearly* you are not yet comfortable being a leech on The System. Slither into America's large intestine and clamp on, Hank.
Hank: Sorry, Dale, but that's not for me. My first Worker's Comp check came today and I don't even wanna open it.
Dale Gribble: Well, if you're determined to hold onto your blind prejudice against being a parasite, maybe you should go see John Redcorn. Nancy used to get his deep massages and come home limp... as... a... noodle.
Yogi Victor: [to Hank] I *demand* that you buy a tank top.
[Hank is teaching yoga to Enrique and Joe Jack]
Hank: That jackass at the yoga center calls this one "Sun Salutation", but I prefer "Modified Roger Staubach."
Enrique: Hey, Hank! I feel like I'm one with everything now.
Joe Jack: I just felt my chakra open, Honey.
Hank: Now we're going to move into something I call "Fertilizing the Lawn."
Minh Souphanousinphone: I ate a squirrel quesadilla, but *this* is where I draw the line!
Hank: Peg, I'm trying to control an outbreak, and you're driving the monkey to the airport.
Hank: Son, you're teasin' the gorilla in the monkey house.
[after Hank shows her a list of the 19 house rules]
Luanne Platter: You know, Uncle Hank, God only has ten rules, and he has a much bigger house.
Bobby Hill: I'm going to grow up without anyone to love and die friendless and alone like Weird Al Yancovich.
[Repeated line, referring to Bobby]
Hank: That boy ain't right.
Hank: Does Bobby have a girlfriend?
[Reads Valentine]
Hank: "Happy Valentine's Day, Joseph. Love Bobby"? "Hey hot stuff"? Bobby, you can't give this to Joseph.
Bobby Hill: Why not? He IS hot stuff. You should see him skateboard.
Hank: Bobby, if you give a Valentine to a sixth grade boy, girls are gonna think you're... sensitive. Something like that could follow you the rest of your life. Now here's a candy for Joseph. It says, "Hey, You're O.K."
[Throws card in the trash]
Hank: We'll just put this card over here right now.
Hank: [to Bobby] You're a regular Halloween hellraiser just like your old man.
[Peggy walks by]
Hank: And I'm very disappointed in you!
Hank: You can give me the stink eye all you want, but it's not gonna change anything.
Nancy Gribble: Dale, get out of the hot tub. We're stealing a news van.
Dale Gribble: It's the perfect crime. How would they cover it?
Hank: I sell propane and propane accessories.
Luanne Platter: [trying to figure out an ending for her puppet show] Oh...! No, that won't work.
Hank: [whispering] They jimmy the lock with a coat hanger.
Luanne Platter: What?
Hank: They jimmy the lock with...
[loudly]
Hank: Uh, I'll save you, Manger Babies.
Luanne Platter: You will?
Hank: Yes. 'Cause I'm the assistant manager of this movie theater. I sell popcorn and popcorn accessories, and you
[the usher]
Hank: are fired!
Luanne Platter: [as puppet] Oh thank you, assistant manager. How can we ever repay you?
Hank: By never forgetting this lesson: sneaking into the movies is wrong. As wrong as spilling juice on a new carpet.
Bobby Hill: All right! I'm in a team with my dad. Permision to lead the team in a cheer. Give me a...
Hank: Permision denied.
[Dale bought a bat to collect guano]
Bill Dauterive: How much guano have you collected?
Dale Gribble: None, but I've fed it bugs and prunes and massaged its colon. The floodgates are about to open. Build an ark, boys.
[the bat poops a single pellet]
Dale Gribble: We're going to need more bats.
Hank: What can I do for you, Kahn?
Kahn: Haven't they replaced you with a coin operated machine yet?
Bobby Hill: There's some milk in the fridge that's about to go bad...
[breathes in]
Bobby Hill: and there it goes.
Dale Gribble: It's a beautiful day. Nancy should be outside doing my laundry.
Dale: [to Bill] Ignoranus. It means stupid, you moron.
Dale: Gentlemen, the crap has literally been scared out of me.
Judy Harper: "The complacency of fools will destroy them." Proverbs.
Hank: Get out of my house... Exodus.
Dale: [after drinking tainted Alamo beer] I don't know which way it's coming out, but it's coming out.
Dale Gribble: I loved my dad like a father. And he betrayed me - like a betrayer.
Dale: [throwing a knife and hitting a mannequin] Get away from my wife or next time I'll aim for the mannequin and hit you.
[Hank's father goes crazy in Japan, due to war flashbacks]
Peggy Hill: There's no problem. He's just fighting the urge to kill all you people.
Dale: Hank, have you ever tried to change cockroach blood with root beer?
Hank: Dale, you know I haven't.
Dale: THEN DONT JUDGE ME.
Bobby Hill: Why do you hate what you don't understand, Dad?
Hank: I don't hate you, Bobby.
Bobby Hill: I meant soccer.
Hank: What do you think the average salary is in this country?
Bobby Hill: Well, Jim Carrey makes $20 million a movie...
Hank: You see that? He doesn't even know the difference between twenty million and twenty thousand!
Hank: Bobby, we've never talked about this before, but some day, I'm going to die. And when that happens, *then* you can go to cooking school.
Peggy Hill: Ugh, she is giving me the heebiest of jeebies.
Dale Gribble: (Hank tells Dale to move his bug truck out of a movie they made to bring the Cowboys to Arlen)"You think that's all I do? I killed eight gophers last year and a purebred Tennesse walking horse that was looking at me funny."
[Bobby is allergic to the dog, so Hank decides to make Bobby live in the dog house]
Peggy Hill: What the hell is wrong with you?
Hank: Look at it this way, Peggy. Bobby is only thirteen, but Ladybird is THIRTEEN.
[Hank asks Dale to shoot an emu for him]
Dale: Ok, but I am doing this pro bono. That means I get to keep the bones.
Hank: Bobby, promise me you won't do drugs. Promise me.
Bobby Hill: I promise.
Hank: Promises mean nothing.
Bobby Hill: Look, dad, I'm not gonna do drugs. I want to be the first chubby comedian to live past 35.
Bill Dauterive: Dale, that money was all I had. It was a joke cheque, you weren't supposed to take all of my money.
Dale: I'm sorry, but we had a verbal contract. And, besides, if I left you the money you were going to spend it on something stupid. Like you.
[Hank had a sex dream about Dale's wife]
Dale: You got a lot of guts showing your face around here. I'm gonna give you two seconds to leave, and then I'm gonna make you suffer.
Hank: Dale, getting your ass kicked won't make you feel any better.
Kahnie: Well, I gotta go practice my violin. It's like a joke my dad tells me, "You can't get into the New York Orchestra without practicing".
[sad laugh]
Kahnie: Well, at first it was a joke, now he just screams it all the time.
[Dale thinks his son is an alien]
Dale Gribble: You're like E.T... Only he was a purebred alien with a heart of gold. You're only part alien, and at times can be self-absorbed.
[Bobby took a self-defense class for women, and is attacked]
Bobby Hill: Let go of my purse. I don't know you.
[kicks assailant in the crotch]
Bobby Hill: That's my purse! I don't know you!
Hank: Huh. You know, Debbie's place is right next to Sugarfoot's. That's a coincidence.
Buck: No coincidence: I like to eat, I like to hump, and I don't like to drive.
Jewel Crawford: Aren't you pretty? I see how you could make a weak man stupid.
Debbie: [giggling] Thank you.
Hank: [at a cręperie] What would you recommend if none of this looks good?
Hank: I want you to promise me you won't ever do drugs, Bobby.
Bobby Hill: I promise!
Hank: A promise means *nothing* when a junkie tricks you into smoking a joint, when you think it's a cigarette, which you shouldn't smoke either, now promise me! Promise me, Bobby!
Bobby Hill: OK, OK, I promise!
Hank: [sighs] Promises mean nothing.
Ranger Payton: That's a good one, Sheriff. How did Hee Haw ever let you get away?
Buck: Now, I am not a history buff, but I tell you, I don't remember Louis XIV spending his days pulling hippie hair out of drains!
Buck: Get me my flip-flops, I'm going to shave in the pool.
Buck: I had it all, Hank. I had a good wife to mother me. I had a pretty young girlfriend. I was livin' like a Frenchman!
Becky the Wench: Ugh! These corsets are not what nature had intended for my implants!
Catholic School Student: Sister Hill? I really like going to church. Does that mean I can give it up for Lent?
Peggy Hill: Well, now... ,I don't think God would like that very much, but you've caught him in a loophole. Good for you!
Luanne Platter: Aunt Peggy, do you think Alex Trebek is sexy?
Peggy Hill: Get out of my mind, Luanne.
Bill Dauterive: I wish I had a son to kick me in the nuts.
[Dale suddenly kicks Bill in the groin]
Dale Gribble: Be careful what you wish for.
Peggy Hill: You're 12 years old, and drinking a beer.
Bobby Hill: I didn't even like it.
Hank: Now you're just trying to get me mad.
Bobby Hill: There's no way you're going with me to grandpa's. This is the last year he can spoil me, and I'm not willing to share. Besides, he doesn't even know your name.
Luanne Platter: Yes, he does. I'm Missy Melons...
[Hank lectures a couple of potheads about the advantages of propane]
Pothead: [to other pothead] Dude, we need more of this weed,
[points at Hank]
Pothead: and more of this dude.
Cotton Hill: I'm going to call this son Hank. I always wanted a son named Hank.
Hank: Dad, my name's Hank.
Cotton Hill: Oh, yeah. In that case, I'm going to call this one Good Hank.
Hank: Dad, you shouldn't call him Good Hank. It makes me sound like Bad Hank.
[Peggy accidentally brought a Mexican girl to Arlen]
Lupe: [in Spanish] Where am I? I want to go home. I want my mother.
Peggy Hill: I was afraid this was going to happen. Now, she wants me to be her mother.
[In Mexico, Peggy's arrested for accidentally kidnapping a young girl]
Mexican Lawyer: Don't worry Mr. Hill. I intend to show that your wife's Spanish is so bad, that she didn't understand what the girl was saying.
Peggy Hill: That's ridiculous. I am a teacher of Espanol in Texas. My Spanish is perfect. And, I would never be able to teach again in the States, if this happens in Mexico.
Hank: Sir, I think Peggy should go to the stand, and tell what happenned in her own words.
Mexican Lawyer: Mr. Hill, I don't think that's such a good idea...
Hank: No. I mean... in... her... own... Spanish... words.
Bobby Hill: Don't worry, Joseph. I'll give you my Valentine's Day pin. That way, she'll think that some girl already gave you one. She'll totally be interested after that.
[as Bobby puts the pin on Joseph, they notice that Stuart is watching them]
Stuart Dooley: That took courage.
Kahn: You tell your stupid redneck son to stay the hell away from my daughter.
Hank: What happened?
Kahn: Yesterday, I catch him half naked in Kahn Junior's room. Tell him to keep away.
Hank: Well, that boy's getting a talking to.
[Hank leaves and sighs in relief]
Peggy Hill: This is great. This trip is finally gives me the recognition I have always given myself.
Hank: Isn't this Bill's trip? Didn't he win the award? Aren't you his guest?
Peggy Hill: Hank, you're fired.
Bill Dauterive: What do you mean they gave me placebo drugs in the army? What, am I not even good enough to be a real guinea pig?
Bill Dauterive: So, how long you been celibate?
Monk: Three years.
Bill Dauterive: Oh. The fourth year's the hardest.
[Bobby and Joseph wandered off into the desert]
Hank: Have you seen two boys running through here?
Dale Gribble: One of them's half alien.
Vendor: Uhh... No. But I saw this fat kid and this Indian kid go in that direction.
Hank: Oh, thank god.
Dale Gribble: Oh, well. Thanks anyway.
[Hank reconciles with his dad, by making fun of Bobby]
Peggy Hill: And that is how Peggy Hill saved Christmas.
Kahn: That hillbilly no good for my daughter.
Mihn: All fathers say that. My father never think you good enough for me.
Kahn: I thought the General loved me.
Mihn: No, he hate you. He never think you good enough for his little princess. Maybe for my sister, but not for me.
Dale: Hank, come here. It's about Peggy. You may want to see this.
[stifles laughter]
Dale: You may also want to bring your credit card.
Bobby Hill: Mom, I'm fat.
Peggy Hill: No, honey, you're not. You're husky. It says so on your jeans.
Peggy Hill: "I surely am not unfond of you, Peggy, I tell you what." What kind of marriage proposal is that?
Speaker: That's basically what entrepreneurism is. Any questions?
Peggy Hill: Yes. I find that I am too busy being successful so I have trouble remembering all of my bright ideas. That's why I keep a folder.
Speaker: Uhh... That wasn't really a question. It was more of a comment.
Peggy Hill: Oh, why thank you.
Restaurant Manager: What do you think you're doing?
Cotton Hill: These folks was waitin', so I'm showin' 'em to their table.
Restaurant Manager: [sighs] All right, you are the greeter. Your job is to greet. The hostess shows the clients to their table. Now, please, go back to your stool...
Cotton Hill: Listen to me, Junior. I led a platoon through the jungle of Sai-Ke. I think I can lead a party of four to table six.
Kahnie: We can't do the eighth grade poll this year.
Bobby Hill: Why not?
Kahnie: It turned out last year, the worst dressed kid was just really poor.
Kahn: Minh! Minh! It's finally happening! Bobby Hillbilly is marrying hillbilly cousin! Ha ha! You owe me five dollars! Ha ha! In your face!
[Luanne's roommate refuses to pay his rent and ripped off Hank and Cotton]
Cotton Hill: I'm makin' a citizen's arrest.
Luanne's Roommate: Get your hands off of me, you Nazi.
Cotton Hill: [screams] WHO YOU CALLIN' NAZI, BOY?
[Dale got an anti-infestation job at a local store and calls Hank]
Hank: So, how's the job going. Did you find the rats yet?
Dale: It's not rats.
Hank: It's not?
Dale: No. I'm gonna have to spend the night here.
Hank: If it's not rats, what is it?
Dale: I don't have time to explain, but it's Chuck Mangione.
Dale Gribble: No, I don't see it.
Peggy Hill: Even if I do get Hank to see the doctor, he refuses to take his pants off.
Nancy Gribble: Oh, you don't take your clothes off at the doctor's any more, Shug! Anything they need to see, they do it with a new machine called an M-R-I!
Peggy Hill: Hm. Are you sure they can use it to look at Hank?
Nancy Gribble: They use it for everything! Heck, it's the same technology we use down at the station to predict the weather!
Peggy Hill: I thought you used the doppler radar.
Nancy Gribble: [laughing] Oh, Shug!
[chuckles]
Nancy Gribble: It's the same thing!
Peggy Hill: Well, she wouldn't have to wear anything if you spayed her. Or hired someone to do it.
Chuck Mangione: How you doin' Arlen? Are you ready to soft rock?
Peggy Hill: [hysterical] My husband is in there! He had to take this job because nobody else would hire him!
EMT: We're doing everything we can, Mrs. Mangione.
[Hank feels uncomfortable about being the only white member of an all-Asian golf club]
Hank: Kahn, I just don't think you understand what it's like to go someplace and feel like you just don't quite belong.
Kahn: [screaming] Oh no, Hank Hill! I don't know how that feels you dumb redneck! My real last name is Smith! I only change it to Soupanousinphone when I moved to Texas!
Kahn: Oh no, I don't know how that feels. My real name is Smith. I just changed it to Soupanousinphone when I moved to Texas. You dumb redneck.
John Redcorn: [about Dale] I can't believe Nancy left me for THAT.
Hank: She didn't leave you for THAT. She married THAT two years before she met you.
Peggy Hill: It's time you became an independent woman. You have to start making your own choices. That's why I signed you up for classes in entrepreneurism.
Luanne Platter: Uhh, thanks aunt Peggy. But, I think that it would help me become an independent woman faster if you would ask me before you make choices about my future.
Peggy Hill: You are right. So, do you want 9 in the morning or 11 in the evening.
Luanne Platter: Uhh... I'd say 9 in the morning.
Peggy Hill: No, that's no good for me.
Ann Richards: So, you boys like baseball?
Dale Gribble: You trying to screen for communists? Don't worry, we're all cool.
Hank: I'm gonna kick your ass.
Dale Gribble: You wouldn't hit an unconscious maaaa-
[faints]
Hank: You stay here.
Tammy Duvall: Hank, no! Alabaster's a little guy, but he'll mess you up.
Hank: No offense, ma'am, but he's from Oklahoma.
Peggy Hill: What if I'm not as smart as I always thought. What if I'm... average?
Hank: Peggy, you have an IQ of 175. You said so yourself.
Peggy Hill: Well, there could be a margin of error. Especially since it's my own estimate.
Dale Gribble: Sh-sh-sh-sha.
[Bobby is fighting his mom and kicks her in the crotch]
Peggy Hill: That's right Bobby. As you can see, I do not have testicles. Where's your secret weapon now?
Kahn: She bluffing. Finish her.
[Hank is being chased by a pimp]
Hank: Hold on, I got a plan.
[stops the car at a green light, waits until it turns yellow, and guns it]
Hank: Ha, ha, ha. I got him where I want him.
[the pimp runs the red light]
Hank: What? He ran a red light. You can't do that.
Dale: [pretending to be an environmentalist] Earth first. Make Mars our bitch.
Dale Gribble: I'm an Indian. This explains why I love tobacco so much and hate the Federal Government so much.
Dale Gribble: Well, Joseph, it would've been great having a cool son...
[takes out a cigarette and thinks]
Dale Gribble: Wait a minute.
[sticks the cigarette in Joseph's mouth]
Dale Gribble: Hey, cool kids. Look at Joseph smoke.
Hank: Would y'all just go to bed.
Dale: It's 2:00 in the afternoon.
Hank: What did I tell you about talking to me?
[Boomhauer recalls a past event]
Hank: Hey man, I'll tell ya what, dang ol' boy ain't right, Man. Talk 'bout kickin' dang ol' ass, Man.
Boomhauer: For God's sake, Hank, act like an adult and keep it down guys. I am reading a magazine on vintage Cameros and I have been on the same dang page for 20 minutes.
Hank: Before we go, we must ask the great spirit, Wematanya, to watch over us. So pee now because once we're on the road, we ain't stopping.
Cotton Hill: Thanks a lot, Girlie, but the truth is: you're a girl.
Cotton Hill: I don't take no anesthetic. Did Lincoln ask for any girlie gas when they blowed his head off?
[Bobby is dancing with Connie]
Peggy Hill: Look, Hank, Bobby found a new sport.
[Hank shudders]
Bobby Hill: So, your name is Kahn Jr.?
Kahnie: Yeah. My dad wanted a boy.
Bobby Hill: Yeah, my dad did too.
[In an admiral's club]
Hostess: I'm sorry, sir, there's no smoking allowed in here.
Dale: You're not sorry and I'm no admiral.
[Stuffs peanuts in his pockets and leaves]
Cotton Hill: [to newborn G.H] You wanna kill a Nazi? Ya wanna kill a Nazi-Squazzy?
Bill Dauterive: Well, I guess it's off to Uncle Stu.
Hank: You mean Stan.
Bill Dauterive: Fine, Hank, Uncle Stan.
Hank: Yep.
Dale: Yep.
Bill Dauterive: Yep.
Boomhauer: Mmm-hmm.
Voice Over P.A.: Paging Tom Galloway. Phone call for Tom Galloway.
[a passenger stands up and walks towards the front desk]
Hank: Hey Peggy, I think that man is Tom Galloway.
Hank: [Buying Luanne an airline ticket] She's going to see her father and she hasn't seen him in years. Doesn't that mean anything to your airline?
[the ticket agent gives him a dirty look]
Hank: I'm writing a personal check and in the memo line, I'm writing "unfair".
Hank: I spent my vacation days bathing the son-of-a-bitch and he threatens to crash my party.
Hank: Now, you may not like Willie Nelson, but...
Bobby Hill: No, I like Willie Nelson. He's alternative.
Hank: You take that back.
Hank: I wasn't jealous. I was just upset that you were spending more time with that guy than you were with me and I wanted to spend that time with you. Jealousy had nothing to do with it.
[Hank has told Peggy that he thinks Dale and Nancy are interested in swinging]
Peggy Hill: You get Nancy and I end up with Dale - who's the clear winner there, hm? Dale.
[Talking about hank's mother's new boyfriend]
Hank: Well, he's Jewish.
Bill Dauterive: Is he funny?
Hank: No, he's not that funny.
Bill Dauterive: Jerry Sienfeld's funny.
Hank: Well, he's not as funny as Jerry Seinfeld.
Bill Dauterive: Whoppi Goldberg's funny.
[Hank has temporarily gone blind]
Cotton Hill: Still blind, or are you faking?
[He punches Hank in the gut]
Cotton Hill: Either you're blind or you're slow. I'd believe both.
Dale Gribble: They will drug test everyone in Arlen. The price of a clean urine sample will double.
Bill Dauterive: What about the price of poo poo?
Dale Gribble: Unchanged.
[in the airport]
Kahn: I look out the window of the airplane, and what do I see? A frozen Gribble.
Dale Gribble: The only thing that kept me going was my will... to smoke again.
[Dale is protecting his mower]
Dale Gribble: YOU. Quit screwing around with my mower.
John Redcorn: Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
Dale Gribble: Oh, it's just you, John Redcorn. Now get in there and heal my wife.
John Redcorn: He's taking all the fun out of this...
Bill Dauterive: My dad spanked me from when I was 9-years-old up to when I was 16 and I turned out just fine... That bastard.
[Trying to divert Bobby's interest away from witchcraft]
Hank: This is a carburetor. Take it apart, put it back together, repeat until you're normal.
Hank: Don't worry Dale, it's just Bill. The army isn't after you.
Dale: You mean I burned off my fingerprints for nothing?
Hank: Congratulations, Bill, they're gonna let you take back your record. I talked to the coach, and you're back on the team.
Bill Dauterive: Thanks, Hank... Oh, no. Will I have to go to class?
Hank: Of course not. You're on the football team.
Bill Dauterive: Just like the good old days...
[Dale's father has revealed that he is gay]
Nancy Gribble: Are you going to be all right, knowing that your dad is gay?
Dale Gribble: Why would I have a problem with it? John Redcorn is gay, and I've been friends with him for twenty years.
Hank: The Liberty Bell is great. But if it was in a contest with a bunch of other bells *without* cracks, it would lose.
[Regarding his membership in an all-Asian country club]
Hank: Kahn, I don't think you know how it feels to go someplace and feel like you just don't belong.
[after reading "My child is an honor roll student" bumper sticker]
Peggy Hill: Oh yeah? Well MY child is God to millions of Asians.
Bobby Hill: You had me at 'fruit pies'.
Hank: What're you, turning into some kind of feminist?
Peggy Hill: I am not a feminist, Hank. I am Peggy Hill, a citizen of the Republic of Texas. I work hard, I sweat hard and I love hard, I gotta smell good and look pretty while I'm doing it. So I comb my hair, I reapply lipstick thirty times a day, I do your dishes, I wash your clothes, and I clean the house. Not because I have to, Hank, but because of a mutual, unspoken agreement that I have never brought up because I am too much of a lady.
[Peggy exits]
Hank: Thirty times a day?
[Dale has just seen Kahn's mother]
Dale Gribble: Kahn has a mother? I always imagined a pod situation.
Cotton Hill: Good God, Hank. You're wearin' butt boobies.
Peggy Hill: Thanks Boomhauer. I knew I could count on you not to talk.
Boomhauer: Yo, man.
Bobby Hill: Dad how did you know this was going to happen?
Hank: It's a fact of life Bobby. When you have teenaged boys, husky boys, and doughnuts all in the same place you're just asking for trouble.
Hank: My father was six foot four when he left for Japan. When he came back he was five foot even. The Japanese blew off his shins and the doctor told him he would never walk again. He never gave up. He walked right to that doctor, looked up, and punched him... in the kidneys.
[on the phone]
Dale: You don't know who I am, but I know where you live. And if you teach that class sex ed teacher, I will make you pay.
Hank: Dale, is that you?
Dale: Oh, hey, Hank. Can you put Peggy on the phone?
Hank: Peggy? It's for you. It's Dale.
Peggy Hill: Hello, Dale.
Dale: You don't know who I am, but I know where you live...
Peggy Hill: Mother Superior, don't you think you're jumping the gun?
Hank: Sweet Jethro Pugh.
Hank: Okay, my son is playing with dolls. There, I said it.
Dale: He's a sissy. There, I said THAT.
[Hank punches Dale in the arm]
Dale: Didn't hurt.
[runs offscreen]
Dale: [whinning] Nancy.
Teacher: These are the worst side burns I've seen since chair 3. Which makes me suspect you cheated. F. That means you fail.
[Luanne cries]
Hank: What a bitch.
Hank: You know, if you ask me, there might be a silver lining to him not being a dancing cowboy.
[upon finding Luanne in bed with a boy]
Hank: I'm in a crisis situation; I gotta go find Bobby. You two take turns kicking each other's asses.
[repeated line]
Monsignor Martinez: Vaya con dios.
Hank: How do you like that? Peggy, come in here. A camera in the bedroom. This is kinda fun. This is Hank Hill with the news.
Peggy Hill: Hank, you are terrible.
Hank: Luanne, I thought you were smarter than this. I did.
Hank: You can make up for this by marrying Luanne.
Bobby Hill: But I'm only 12 years old.
Hank: Well just think, you can be married for 80 years.
Bobby Hill: Dad, you can't make me marry Luanne.
Hank: Yes, I can. You're only 12 years old.
Bobby Hill: Luanne, I know we've had our differences but I was kinda hoping we could make up and not get married.
Luanne Platter: Uncle Hank, Bobby's trying to get out of marrying me.
Hank: Bobby, you cut that out.
Bobby Hill: Mom, I don't want to do this.
Peggy Hill: Well of course you don't.
Bill Dauterive: Bobby, do you take this girl to be your lawfully wedded wife?
[Bobby moans]
Hank: That sounded like a ?yes? to me.
Bobby Hill: It's like that book they took out of the school library, "I've Got Two Dads".
Hank: No, you don't.
Hank: A poodle? Why don't you just get me a cat and a sex change operation?
Bill Dauterive: Permission to give this flag a loving home, sir? I will raise her every morning at dawn, I will lower her every night before dusk, I will store her...
Lieutenant: Do you have a 90 foot pole?
Bill Dauterive: I got a 40 foot pole, Sir.
[Is given a dirty look]
Bill Dauterive: I will go to Home Depot, Sir.
Hank: Dallas? I don't want you goin' to Dallas at all. That place is crawlin' with crack-heads and debutantes, and half of 'em play for the Cowboys.
[Hank is showing a prospective client from Boston around Arlen]
Hank: You know, Mr. Holloway, Texas has changed a lot since the 1850s.
Mr. Holloway: Aw, geez, I just wanted to see some boots, or spurs, or anything.
Peggy Hill: Hank, the day after Thanksgiving is, in my opinion, the biggest shopping day of the year. And I will not spend another year giving Dallas Mavericks crap because the Cowboys stuff was all sold out.
Hank: "Eat Wells". "Sugar-Free Low-Fat Fun Bars". Peggy, that stuff isn't for trick-or-treaters, it's for diabetics.
Dale: Rematch? I thought we agreed never to discuss the horrors that we saw on the killing fields of the Fun Center.
Bobby Hill: My dad says butane's a bastard gas.
[a blind Hank to Dale, Bill and Boomhauer]
Hank: As soon as I see some ass, I'm kicking it!
[trying to find Bobby in a department store]
Hank: Well, he's not in Household Goods.
Peggy Hill: Nor is he in the Portrait Studio, although I did see a very ugly baby there.
Peggy Hill: They're always in the last place you look, because once you find them, there's no reason to keep looking.
[Hank sighs]
Ticket Agent: Okay, people, personal insults and criticisms directed towards me will not get your plane out any faster. In just a few minutes we will begin...
Man: You're an ass!
Dale: Why do you hate love, Hank?
[about Bill at a hot dog eating contest]
Dale: Behold the Great American Fat Ass, gorging on the lips and anuses of his brethren!
Bobby Hill: Why would I put dirt on my own fruit pie? My *own* fruit pie?
[Dale, Bill and Boomhauer are in a cave collecting guano when the bats wake up]
Dale: We've awakened a sleeping, pooping giant!
Dale: The silent treatment won't work on me. I have my thoughts.
[pause]
Dale: I can't get along with my thoughts! You've all heard them!
Cotton Hill: Hey missy! Git me sum samiches!
[at Bobby's birthday party]
Peggy Hill: Good grief, Cotton, you gave him a loaded shotgun?
Cotton Hill: Well, you don't give a toy without batteries.
[after losing $13 to Peggy at Boggle]
Mihn: Thank you for Boggle lesson, Peggy Hill. Maybe next week I teach you mah-jongg. Bring your checkbook.
Dale Gribble: TV sets are getting smaller and smaller, and bigger and bigger. Soon the medium-sized set will be a thing of the past.
Dale Gribble: Whatcha got under the foil, Mr. Party Pooper? Some party poop?
[Bill steps on Hank's glasses after Hank steps on his ping pong ball]
Hank: Dammit, Bill, those were my only pair of glasses!
Dale Gribble: Dang it, Hank, that was our only ball.
[Throws a hot Frito pie at Hank, but misses and hits Bill]
Boomhauer: Hey man, I was dang ol' scarfing on that, man.
Bill Dauterive: My face hurts.
Hank: And it'll match your ass when I'm done kicking it.
Fire Chief: So it was you guys that busted that hydrant? We got an anonymous call that some kids did it.
Dale Gribble: I gave you names.
[the fire station has burned down - Hank and the guys are suspects]
Hank: Uh, where do you want us, Chief?
Fire Chief: Back in the grave with Chet Elderson.
Bobby Hill: And now, for my next miracle, I'm gonna need a large wooden cross and a couple of volunteers.
Peggy Hill: NO!
Hank: NO!
Peggy Hill: [holds up fruit pie] Walk with me, Bobby.
Bobby Hill: [Marie has taken Bobby outside of the house from the party after he had turned off the music to stop her from dancing with the other boys] Who were those guys? Why were you dancing with all of those guys?
Marie: I don't know I felt like dancing, I wanted to dance.
Bobby Hill: Who were those guys? Why were you dancing with all of those guys?
Marie: BOBBY those were just friends. We were just dancing.
Bobby Hill: What about us? Your supposed to dance with just me and maybe some of your girlfriends but mostly just me.
Marie: Now wait Bobby this is getting way to intense were only friends.
Bobby Hill: [Bobby starts to sputter] But I... I thought we were more than that.
Marie: Bobby your a funny guy you make me laugh that's all.
Bobby Hill: But we kissed.
Marie: Yes and looking back now maybe that was a mistake.
Bobby Hill: MISTAKE? That was the single most important thing in my life.
Marie: Look Bobby I don't think we should hang out together anymore.
Bobby Hill: JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING DANCING WITH ALL OF THOSE GUYS.
Marie: Goodbye Bobby.
[Marie kisses his forehead]
Bobby Hill: You kissed me that means were back together again.
Marie: Oh!
[Walks away from Bobby and starts to go back into the house to rejoin the party to dance with the other boys]
Hank: I'm gonna kick your ass! I'm gonna kick it harder if you don't come here.
Hank: You're the only one who can save my lawn, Dale.
Dale Gribble: You're right, I am. The question is - why should I?
Hank: I'll give you two dollars.
Dale Gribble: Pffft. Ha! Two dollars?
Hank: Because you're my friend.
Dale Gribble: Oooooooo! I'm Hank's friend! Tie a ribbon around me!
Hank: Because I'm coming to you man to man offering you a genuine apology for choosing a lawn over a lifetime of friendship.
Dale Gribble: Geez, Hank. I was only holding out for $2.50.
Bobby Hill: Marie come back. Look I'm doing your favorite comedy bit.
[Pulls shorts up to his shirt]
Bobby Hill: What are you talking about?
[crying]
Bobby Hill: What are you talking about? What are you talking about?
[Bobby sobs]
Hank: Yep.
Dale Gribble: Yep.
Bill Dauterive: Yep
Boomhauer: Mm-hmm.
Hank: [Reading pamphlet] "Cushion shooting stands, heated blinds with automatic corn feeder". Well that's not hunting, that's shooting fish in a barrel.
Eustace: Oh, they have that too.
Bobby Hill: Everybody's got a deer and I don't.
[Near tears]
Bobby Hill: Everything looks so Christmasy. Now I know how the Jewish kids feel.
[Cries]
[Hank finds his son drinking at Bill's place]
Bobby Hill: Hey dad, I like beer!
[Immediately vomits]
Hank: I've had about enough of this Christmas crap!
Hank: [Bill is on his roof] What are you doin', Bill? Satellite dish trouble?
Bill Dauterive: Oh no, I'm just up here to kill myself.
Bill Dauterive: I had a bad dream. I drempt that Lenore came back and stole Lenore. And then Lenore drove off with Lenore and I ran down the street after them and I yelled, "Lenore! Lenore!" And then my teeth fell out. Peggy, you were there. Can I sleep in your living room?
Hank: [sighs] Yes, Bill.
Peggy Hill: I am giving you 24 hours to get me out of that man's dreams.
Bobby Hill: You know, if I did something like this you'd punish me. Maybe I should be able to punish you.
Hank: Well okay, Son. What's my punishment? Am I grounded?
Bobby Hill: That's too easy. You cannot mow the lawn for one week.
Hank: Aw come on, Son, it was an accident.
Bobby Hill: You wanna go for two?
Bobby Hill: [playing a propane salesman] I only sell C-3-H8. That smells like C-H4.
Joe Jack: [dressed as a big baby] I need a new diaper. Baby did a bad, bad thing.
Peggy Hill: [Hank laughs like crazy] It is a fart joke, Hank.
[Hank pauses a moment, then laughs again]
Hank: I am sorry, Sir. I had no idea you wore, uh... You know.
Charlie Fortner: Say it, Hank. I wanna hear it come from your mouth.
Hank: Diapers.
Charlie Fortner: You only have to say it. I have to wear them and buy them.
Hank: Honestly, Sir, nobody knew you wore those... Things.
Charlie Fortner: A man in a diaper comes out on stage and asks me for A DIAPER!
Hank: Sir, if it makes you feel any better, I also wear diapers.
Charlie Fortner: Which brand is more absorbent?
Hank: Uh... Well... Uh...
Charlie Fortner: Get out!
[Bill has built a Santa's village in his front yard]
Peggy Hill: It looks like a carnival. I wonder how Jesus feels about this.
Hank: It's Christmas AND Bill's happy. I'll tell you how Jesus feels: great.
Bill Dauterive: You may not be happy with me now, Soldier, but you'll thank me someday.
Wally: For what? For making me a jarhead?
Bill Dauterive: No, for convincing the judge that the army is a better place for you than prison. Oh and you're not a jarhead. That's the marine corps. You're a grunt!
Hank: Peggy, there's a little mexican girl in the utility closet.
Dale Gribble: Computers don't make errors. What they do, they do on purpose.
Hank: Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to criticize your lesson plan, but... Do you have a lesson plan?
Roger 'Buddha' Sack: Sure. I'm planning on teaching, lessin' you shut up!
Kahn: [the Hills have lit a stack of toilet paper on fire] Hey, hillbillies, those not logs. They for wipie-wipie.
Kahn: I am everywhere you want to be, Hank Hill.
Dale Gribble: Is that a real computer?
Man: Yes, it is.
Dale Gribble: [nervously] Then my name is Rusty Shackleford
Kahnie: I... Uh...
[stutters]
Hank: Huh?
[Connie writes something and gives it to Hank]
Hank: "Mr. Hill, I just got my first period". Aaaahhh!
Hank: [Connie has just gotten her first period] Are you sure about this?
Kahnie: Pretty sure.
Hank: Ugh.
[looks through a medical book]
Hank: Come on, come on... Don't worry, Connie, we're gonna get through this somehow. Okay... Do you have any idea how to tie a tourniquet?
Hank: [after buying Connie tampons] In fact, this is such a little deal that we won't have to talk about it any more.
Kahnie: Now... How do I change one of these things?
Peggy Hill: You tried your best, Hank, but I'im in charge now. You keep trying Minh and Kahn, I'll talk to Connie and then I'll talk to Bobby.
Hank: I don't think Bobby should know about this. It's bad enough I know about this.
Peggy Hill: Do you want to be incharge, Hank?
Hank: No.
Hank: Bobby, every woman has a period... Uh, of time... Every month...
Bobby Hill: Even Mom?
Hank: [sighs] Bobby, if we're gonna get through this, you cannot ask me questions like that.
Peggy Hill: I used to be one of the finest mothers in the state of Texas and now, now I can't even wipe a baby.
Dale Gribble: [to a female store patron, after he has volunteered to be an executioner] Excuse me, do you know if these gloves are good for killing a man?
Hank: Peggy, have you ever decapitated anyone?
Peggy Hill: No, I don't believe I have.
Kahn: [Walking on his lawn, Hank has called to Kahn] Yeah, yeah. Hillbilly barefoot - big deal!
Dale Gribble: If all you're goin' on is my confession, forget it, I'm simply not credible.
Dale Gribble: This tornado's already at level two on the Fujisaki scale. A storm that strong can send an egg through a barn door. Two if one door is open.
Bobby Hill: What does a level three do, Mr. Gribble?
Dale Gribble: A level three can send an egg through a brick wall. Tornado chasers call it Humpty's Revenge.
Dale Gribble: This is no time for jokes, Boomhauer. This tornado's already classified level at 2 on the Fujisaki scale. Storm that strong'll send an egg through a barn door. Two barn doors if one of 'em's open.
Bobby Hill: What will a level three do, Mr. Gribble?
Dale Gribble: Level three will send an egg through a *brick wall*. Tornado chasers call it "Humpty's Revenge".
Hank: Where's the Children's Gun section?
Walmart-Type Worker: Aisle 47.
Bobby Hill: Can I put a gun rack on my bike?
Hank: Do you know how long I've been waiting for you to ask that?
Dale Gribble: Hey, if you're taking Bobby, can you take us too?
Boomhauer: [His old car had been lost in a quarry for 20 years, thanks to Bill and Dale] Hey man, I'll tell you what man, you dang ol' drove it here. I'm talkin' about you... Drive it back. Dang ol' traitors, man.
Dale Gribble: Oh... What gave us away?
[Boomhauer shakes his head and drives off; Dale and Bill get in the decomposing Mustang; tries to start engine]
Dale Gribble: Come on. Come on. Come on.
Bill Dauterive: You're flooding it.
Bill Dauterive: You know what I just realized? Hank hasn't caught a fish.
Hank: You lookin' to go for a swim, Bill?
Bill Dauterive: I think it's nice that you're going away, Hank. You need a good vacation with your new best friend Kahn. Who you love so MUCH.
Hank: Yes, Bill, I love Kahn. Maybe if this trip works out I'll marry him and live in Mexico forever. Is that what you wanna hear?
Bill Dauterive: [Voice breaking] No.
Bobby Hill: Why is there such a big fence, Dad?
Hank: Well, millions of people come to America in search of a better life, and we've decided we don't need that many.
Bobby Hill: Did the Soupinusanphones come through the fence?
Hank: No, Bobby, Kahn applied the legal way. Sometimes the system fails us.
Dale Gribble: You're not being paid to screw up.
Coach: I'm not being paid at all. In fact I still haven't been reembursed for last week's pizzas. Oh, and
[near tears]
Coach: and if you guys aren't too busy, could you please just go to hell?
Kahn: Hank Hill, you ruined my life. What can I do for you?
Hank: The only place you can find a Main Street these days is in Disneyland. And just try to buy a gun there.
Willie Nelson: Hey, I know you. You're the kid who rakes my lawn.
Bobby Hill: No, sir. I'm the kid who hit you in the head.
Willie Nelson: With my rake?
Bobby Hill: No, sir, with a golf club.
Willie Nelson: You rake my yard with a golf club? I want my quarter back.
Hank: What's this? It's a letter. "From the Desk of Buckley's Angel". Let's see here...”Dear Bill, Boomhauer and Dale, I have been unable to find a woman for Bill. Any woman. Or a crank shaft from a 1968 Dodge. And the porthole to Hell is actually located in Hank's garage near all of his tools and should be avoided by anyone afraid of the porthole to Hell." Well, that's that. Goodbye, Buckley's Angel.
Dale Gribble: Goodbye, Buckley's Ang... Hold the phone. Let me see that letter.
Bill Dauterive: [Gasps] That's not Buckley's handwriting. Hank!
[Hank turns the hose on them]
Middle-Aged Drink Girl: They think 'cause I'm a woman I'm supposed to be "Miss Merry Sunshine". Well the hell with that!
Luanne Platter: I had no idea you were a woman.
Luanne Platter: [trying to figure out an ending for her puppet show] Oh...! No, that won't work.
Hank: [whispering] They jimmy the lock with a coat hanger.
Luanne Platter: What?
Hank: They jimmy the lock with...
[Loudly]
Hank: Uh, I'll save you, Manger Babies.
Luanne Platter: You will?
Hank: Yes. 'Cause I'm the assistant manager of this movie theater. I sell popcorn and popcorn accessories, and you
[the usher]
Hank: are fired!
Luanne Platter: [as puppet] Oh thank you, assistant manager. How can we ever repay you?
Hank: By never forgetting this lesson: sneaking into the movies is wrong. As wrong as spilling juice on a new carpet.
Hank: This river is filthy. Look at this, underwear floating around.
Dale Gribble: [off camera] Uh, Hank, a little help here?
Charlie Daniels: So, where's this dying fiddle player whose final wish was to meet me?
Dale Gribble: Actually, you're too late. But her other final wish was that you would play, with us, her favorite song, on stage, now. So, what do I tell her parents?
Charlie Daniels: [tearfully] Tell 'em I'll play 'til my fiddle catches fire.
Dale: [to the Harmoniholics] You people make me envy the deaf and the blind!
Bobby Hill: [to Hank, regarding the football coach] I think you hurt him... Hit him again to make sure.
Luanne Platter: Wait! Wait, I know why! Because you should *tell* people if you're going to throw a party in their house without asking them!
Bobby Hill: Please, Dad, I don't want to marry Luanne.
Hank: Well, it's a little late for that. You didn't take care of Boomhauer's, you drank beer, you messed with Luanne's lady pills. I ask you, is that responsible behavior?
Bobby Hill: [sighs] No.
Hank: Well, then, having to marry Luanne will be a good lesson for you.
Bobby Hill: I can cure you, Dad! Woo-loo-loo!
Kahn: Hey, Minh... Come look. Redneck boy get busy with lawn trimmings.
Hank: [about Dale] We're putting extra stress on a structure that wasn't up to code in the first place.
Hank: Dale, there are no robots and there are no Cubans.
Dale Gribble: If there are no Cubans, how do you account for Desi Arnaz?
Bill Dauterive: Easy for you to say, it wasn't your naked butt in that picture.
Hank: You took the money.
Hank: Dale, get down here before someone gets hurt.
Dale Gribble: Too late. I killed Shackleford!
[the police gasp]
Dale Gribble: No, no, correction - Shackleford wants a pizza.
Dale Gribble: [after Wally runs away from Bill; the guys are drinking beer in the alley as usual] Wait! I've got it! Bill wants to have a child, and Hank's urethra is too narrow to have another child. Ergo, Bill should inseminate Peggy; everybody's happy.
Dale Gribble: [Hank gives Dale a hard punch in the arm] Ow! Didn't hurt!
[whining]
Dale Gribble: Nancy!
Hank: Come on. Those moles aren't gonna whack themselves.
Hank: Bobby's a big boy, now, and I think he can handle seeing those copies of Esquire Jack has lying around.
Bobby Hill: [gasp] I know what I'm doing this summer!
Kahnie: Language camp at Middlebury? It's not as much fun as that ad makes it look.
Dale Gribble: If I wanted to watch my wife on Super Bowl Sunday, I would've married Fran Tarkinton.
Hank: Dang it, Dale, or Bill, probably, Dale.
Peggy Hill: Hoo yeah!
[repeated line, mainly when starting a Boggle game but said at other times too]
Peggy Hill: Hoo Yeah!
[repeated line]
Hank: I'm going to kick your ass!
Dale Gribble: Objection! Conjecture. Objecture!
Hank: That's not a word!
Chuck Mangione: Chick Mangione? I'm not a chick, I'm a dude!
[hits the instructor with his horn]
Bill Dauterive: [about female boxers] If they wear gloves, how do they scratch each other?
Hank: You're not dumb. You're smarter than I am.
Peggy Hill: [crying] Big deal.
Hank: Well, you're smarter than anyone at Arlen.
Peggy Hill: Well, whoop-dee-doo! I am the smartest hillbilly in Hillbilly Town!
Peggy Hill: Well, I just, I don't know who to pick...
Minh Souphanousinphone: ...Pick Connie!
Hank: Well, let's tell Bobby he's fat.
Hank: An all Texas Super Bowl... His will be done.
Rooks Epperson: Welcome, folks! Y'all ready for some world-class pig diving?
Peggy Hill: They're not even a real couple! Did you know she only sleeps with him on his birthday and Christmas? That's why she gets so depressed around the holidays.
Hank: [telling Bill why the Army chose him for an medical experiment] It was before we found out that the Russians were incompetent.
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Luanne Platter: He's not just dancing. He's firming his thighs and tightening his buttocks.
Peggy Hill: As long as it took that river to carve the Grand Canyon, that is how long women have been learning to subtly manipulate relationships.
Dale Gribble: Oh man. What kind of lefty hootenanny is this?
Dale Gribble: You and I may be acquainted but we are not traveling companions. I am merely here to enjoy Earth Day and play some hacky-sack.
Hank: He's a football player, and football players know how to treat a woman right.
Hank: Don't play lawyer-ball, son.
Nancy Gribble: The truth is like sunlight. People used to think it's good for you.
[Hank is at the doctor's office, having injured his lower back]
Doctor: I'm sorry, Mr. Hill, I understand it's painful, but soft tissue injury just doesn't show up on film.
Hank: Hunh. So how do you fix it?
Doctor: Well, there's really nothing *I* can do. What your back needs is rest. Just have your office send over the Worker's Compensation forms and I'll sign off on 'em.
Hank: Worker's Comp? Do I look like a hobo to you? No, sir, I'm *not* going on welfare. It's Indian summer!
Doctor: Well, if you insist on working, I'll write you a prescription for pain medicine.
Hank: Whoa there, Dr. Feelgood. I work at a propane dealership, not Woodstock.
Doctor: Then I'm sorry, but all Western medicine can really offer you are drugs... *and nothing.* But some people have had good luck with yoga. I hear there's a studio over in McMainerberry.
Hank: Yoga? Isn't that a cult?
Doctor: The group that rented the space before them was a cult. That's probably what you're thinking of.
[Hank has reluctantly gone on Worker's Comp]
Dale Gribble: *Clearly* you are not yet comfortable being a leech on The System. Slither into America's large intestine and clamp on, Hank.
Hank: Sorry, Dale, but that's not for me. My first Worker's Comp check came today and I don't even wanna open it.
Dale Gribble: Well, if you're determined to hold onto your blind prejudice against being a parasite, maybe you should go see John Redcorn. Nancy used to get his deep massages and come home limp... as... a... noodle.
Yogi Victor: [to Hank] I *demand* that you buy a tank top.
[Hank is teaching yoga to Enrique and Joe Jack]
Hank: That jackass at the yoga center calls this one "Sun Salutation", but I prefer "Modified Roger Staubach."
Enrique: Hey, Hank! I feel like I'm one with everything now.
Joe Jack: I just felt my chakra open, Honey.
Hank: Now we're going to move into something I call "Fertilizing the Lawn."
Minh Souphanousinphone: I ate a squirrel quesadilla, but *this* is where I draw the line!
Hank: Peg, I'm trying to control an outbreak, and you're driving the monkey to the airport.
Hank: Son, you're teasin' the gorilla in the monkey house.
[after Hank shows her a list of the 19 house rules]
Luanne Platter: You know, Uncle Hank, God only has ten rules, and he has a much bigger house.
Bobby Hill: I'm going to grow up without anyone to love and die friendless and alone like Weird Al Yancovich.
[Repeated line, referring to Bobby]
Hank: That boy ain't right.
Hank: Does Bobby have a girlfriend?
[Reads Valentine]
Hank: "Happy Valentine's Day, Joseph. Love Bobby"? "Hey hot stuff"? Bobby, you can't give this to Joseph.
Bobby Hill: Why not? He IS hot stuff. You should see him skateboard.
Hank: Bobby, if you give a Valentine to a sixth grade boy, girls are gonna think you're... sensitive. Something like that could follow you the rest of your life. Now here's a candy for Joseph. It says, "Hey, You're O.K."
[Throws card in the trash]
Hank: We'll just put this card over here right now.
Hank: [to Bobby] You're a regular Halloween hellraiser just like your old man.
[Peggy walks by]
Hank: And I'm very disappointed in you!
Hank: You can give me the stink eye all you want, but it's not gonna change anything.
Nancy Gribble: Dale, get out of the hot tub. We're stealing a news van.
Dale Gribble: It's the perfect crime. How would they cover it?
Hank: I sell propane and propane accessories.
Luanne Platter: [trying to figure out an ending for her puppet show] Oh...! No, that won't work.
Hank: [whispering] They jimmy the lock with a coat hanger.
Luanne Platter: What?
Hank: They jimmy the lock with...
[loudly]
Hank: Uh, I'll save you, Manger Babies.
Luanne Platter: You will?
Hank: Yes. 'Cause I'm the assistant manager of this movie theater. I sell popcorn and popcorn accessories, and you
[the usher]
Hank: are fired!
Luanne Platter: [as puppet] Oh thank you, assistant manager. How can we ever repay you?
Hank: By never forgetting this lesson: sneaking into the movies is wrong. As wrong as spilling juice on a new carpet.
Bobby Hill: All right! I'm in a team with my dad. Permision to lead the team in a cheer. Give me a...
Hank: Permision denied.
[Dale bought a bat to collect guano]
Bill Dauterive: How much guano have you collected?
Dale Gribble: None, but I've fed it bugs and prunes and massaged its colon. The floodgates are about to open. Build an ark, boys.
[the bat poops a single pellet]
Dale Gribble: We're going to need more bats.
Hank: What can I do for you, Kahn?
Kahn: Haven't they replaced you with a coin operated machine yet?
Bobby Hill: There's some milk in the fridge that's about to go bad...
[breathes in]
Bobby Hill: and there it goes.
Dale Gribble: It's a beautiful day. Nancy should be outside doing my laundry.
Dale: [to Bill] Ignoranus. It means stupid, you moron.
Dale: Gentlemen, the crap has literally been scared out of me.
Judy Harper: "The complacency of fools will destroy them." Proverbs.
Hank: Get out of my house... Exodus.
Dale: [after drinking tainted Alamo beer] I don't know which way it's coming out, but it's coming out.
Dale Gribble: I loved my dad like a father. And he betrayed me - like a betrayer.
Dale: [throwing a knife and hitting a mannequin] Get away from my wife or next time I'll aim for the mannequin and hit you.
[Hank's father goes crazy in Japan, due to war flashbacks]
Peggy Hill: There's no problem. He's just fighting the urge to kill all you people.
Dale: Hank, have you ever tried to change cockroach blood with root beer?
Hank: Dale, you know I haven't.
Dale: THEN DONT JUDGE ME.
Bobby Hill: Why do you hate what you don't understand, Dad?
Hank: I don't hate you, Bobby.
Bobby Hill: I meant soccer.
Hank: What do you think the average salary is in this country?
Bobby Hill: Well, Jim Carrey makes $20 million a movie...
Hank: You see that? He doesn't even know the difference between twenty million and twenty thousand!
Hank: Bobby, we've never talked about this before, but some day, I'm going to die. And when that happens, *then* you can go to cooking school.
Peggy Hill: Ugh, she is giving me the heebiest of jeebies.
Dale Gribble: (Hank tells Dale to move his bug truck out of a movie they made to bring the Cowboys to Arlen)"You think that's all I do? I killed eight gophers last year and a purebred Tennesse walking horse that was looking at me funny."
[Bobby is allergic to the dog, so Hank decides to make Bobby live in the dog house]
Peggy Hill: What the hell is wrong with you?
Hank: Look at it this way, Peggy. Bobby is only thirteen, but Ladybird is THIRTEEN.
[Hank asks Dale to shoot an emu for him]
Dale: Ok, but I am doing this pro bono. That means I get to keep the bones.
Hank: Bobby, promise me you won't do drugs. Promise me.
Bobby Hill: I promise.
Hank: Promises mean nothing.
Bobby Hill: Look, dad, I'm not gonna do drugs. I want to be the first chubby comedian to live past 35.
Bill Dauterive: Dale, that money was all I had. It was a joke cheque, you weren't supposed to take all of my money.
Dale: I'm sorry, but we had a verbal contract. And, besides, if I left you the money you were going to spend it on something stupid. Like you.
[Hank had a sex dream about Dale's wife]
Dale: You got a lot of guts showing your face around here. I'm gonna give you two seconds to leave, and then I'm gonna make you suffer.
Hank: Dale, getting your ass kicked won't make you feel any better.
Kahnie: Well, I gotta go practice my violin. It's like a joke my dad tells me, "You can't get into the New York Orchestra without practicing".
[sad laugh]
Kahnie: Well, at first it was a joke, now he just screams it all the time.
[Dale thinks his son is an alien]
Dale Gribble: You're like E.T... Only he was a purebred alien with a heart of gold. You're only part alien, and at times can be self-absorbed.
[Bobby took a self-defense class for women, and is attacked]
Bobby Hill: Let go of my purse. I don't know you.
[kicks assailant in the crotch]
Bobby Hill: That's my purse! I don't know you!
Hank: Huh. You know, Debbie's place is right next to Sugarfoot's. That's a coincidence.
Buck: No coincidence: I like to eat, I like to hump, and I don't like to drive.
Jewel Crawford: Aren't you pretty? I see how you could make a weak man stupid.
Debbie: [giggling] Thank you.
Hank: [at a cręperie] What would you recommend if none of this looks good?
Hank: I want you to promise me you won't ever do drugs, Bobby.
Bobby Hill: I promise!
Hank: A promise means *nothing* when a junkie tricks you into smoking a joint, when you think it's a cigarette, which you shouldn't smoke either, now promise me! Promise me, Bobby!
Bobby Hill: OK, OK, I promise!
Hank: [sighs] Promises mean nothing.
Ranger Payton: That's a good one, Sheriff. How did Hee Haw ever let you get away?
Buck: Now, I am not a history buff, but I tell you, I don't remember Louis XIV spending his days pulling hippie hair out of drains!
Buck: Get me my flip-flops, I'm going to shave in the pool.
Buck: I had it all, Hank. I had a good wife to mother me. I had a pretty young girlfriend. I was livin' like a Frenchman!
Becky the Wench: Ugh! These corsets are not what nature had intended for my implants!
Catholic School Student: Sister Hill? I really like going to church. Does that mean I can give it up for Lent?
Peggy Hill: Well, now... ,I don't think God would like that very much, but you've caught him in a loophole. Good for you!
Luanne Platter: Aunt Peggy, do you think Alex Trebek is sexy?
Peggy Hill: Get out of my mind, Luanne.
Bill Dauterive: I wish I had a son to kick me in the nuts.
[Dale suddenly kicks Bill in the groin]
Dale Gribble: Be careful what you wish for.
Peggy Hill: You're 12 years old, and drinking a beer.
Bobby Hill: I didn't even like it.
Hank: Now you're just trying to get me mad.
Bobby Hill: There's no way you're going with me to grandpa's. This is the last year he can spoil me, and I'm not willing to share. Besides, he doesn't even know your name.
Luanne Platter: Yes, he does. I'm Missy Melons...
[Hank lectures a couple of potheads about the advantages of propane]
Pothead: [to other pothead] Dude, we need more of this weed,
[points at Hank]
Pothead: and more of this dude.
Cotton Hill: I'm going to call this son Hank. I always wanted a son named Hank.
Hank: Dad, my name's Hank.
Cotton Hill: Oh, yeah. In that case, I'm going to call this one Good Hank.
Hank: Dad, you shouldn't call him Good Hank. It makes me sound like Bad Hank.
[Peggy accidentally brought a Mexican girl to Arlen]
Lupe: [in Spanish] Where am I? I want to go home. I want my mother.
Peggy Hill: I was afraid this was going to happen. Now, she wants me to be her mother.
[In Mexico, Peggy's arrested for accidentally kidnapping a young girl]
Mexican Lawyer: Don't worry Mr. Hill. I intend to show that your wife's Spanish is so bad, that she didn't understand what the girl was saying.
Peggy Hill: That's ridiculous. I am a teacher of Espanol in Texas. My Spanish is perfect. And, I would never be able to teach again in the States, if this happens in Mexico.
Hank: Sir, I think Peggy should go to the stand, and tell what happenned in her own words.
Mexican Lawyer: Mr. Hill, I don't think that's such a good idea...
Hank: No. I mean... in... her... own... Spanish... words.
Bobby Hill: Don't worry, Joseph. I'll give you my Valentine's Day pin. That way, she'll think that some girl already gave you one. She'll totally be interested after that.
[as Bobby puts the pin on Joseph, they notice that Stuart is watching them]
Stuart Dooley: That took courage.
Kahn: You tell your stupid redneck son to stay the hell away from my daughter.
Hank: What happened?
Kahn: Yesterday, I catch him half naked in Kahn Junior's room. Tell him to keep away.
Hank: Well, that boy's getting a talking to.
[Hank leaves and sighs in relief]
Peggy Hill: This is great. This trip is finally gives me the recognition I have always given myself.
Hank: Isn't this Bill's trip? Didn't he win the award? Aren't you his guest?
Peggy Hill: Hank, you're fired.
Bill Dauterive: What do you mean they gave me placebo drugs in the army? What, am I not even good enough to be a real guinea pig?
Bill Dauterive: So, how long you been celibate?
Monk: Three years.
Bill Dauterive: Oh. The fourth year's the hardest.
[Bobby and Joseph wandered off into the desert]
Hank: Have you seen two boys running through here?
Dale Gribble: One of them's half alien.
Vendor: Uhh... No. But I saw this fat kid and this Indian kid go in that direction.
Hank: Oh, thank god.
Dale Gribble: Oh, well. Thanks anyway.
[Hank reconciles with his dad, by making fun of Bobby]
Peggy Hill: And that is how Peggy Hill saved Christmas.
Kahn: That hillbilly no good for my daughter.
Mihn: All fathers say that. My father never think you good enough for me.
Kahn: I thought the General loved me.
Mihn: No, he hate you. He never think you good enough for his little princess. Maybe for my sister, but not for me.
Dale: Hank, come here. It's about Peggy. You may want to see this.
[stifles laughter]
Dale: You may also want to bring your credit card.
Bobby Hill: Mom, I'm fat.
Peggy Hill: No, honey, you're not. You're husky. It says so on your jeans.
Peggy Hill: "I surely am not unfond of you, Peggy, I tell you what." What kind of marriage proposal is that?
Speaker: That's basically what entrepreneurism is. Any questions?
Peggy Hill: Yes. I find that I am too busy being successful so I have trouble remembering all of my bright ideas. That's why I keep a folder.
Speaker: Uhh... That wasn't really a question. It was more of a comment.
Peggy Hill: Oh, why thank you.
Restaurant Manager: What do you think you're doing?
Cotton Hill: These folks was waitin', so I'm showin' 'em to their table.
Restaurant Manager: [sighs] All right, you are the greeter. Your job is to greet. The hostess shows the clients to their table. Now, please, go back to your stool...
Cotton Hill: Listen to me, Junior. I led a platoon through the jungle of Sai-Ke. I think I can lead a party of four to table six.
Kahnie: We can't do the eighth grade poll this year.
Bobby Hill: Why not?
Kahnie: It turned out last year, the worst dressed kid was just really poor.
Kahn: Minh! Minh! It's finally happening! Bobby Hillbilly is marrying hillbilly cousin! Ha ha! You owe me five dollars! Ha ha! In your face!
[Luanne's roommate refuses to pay his rent and ripped off Hank and Cotton]
Cotton Hill: I'm makin' a citizen's arrest.
Luanne's Roommate: Get your hands off of me, you Nazi.
Cotton Hill: [screams] WHO YOU CALLIN' NAZI, BOY?
[Dale got an anti-infestation job at a local store and calls Hank]
Hank: So, how's the job going. Did you find the rats yet?
Dale: It's not rats.
Hank: It's not?
Dale: No. I'm gonna have to spend the night here.
Hank: If it's not rats, what is it?
Dale: I don't have time to explain, but it's Chuck Mangione.
Dale Gribble: No, I don't see it.
Peggy Hill: Even if I do get Hank to see the doctor, he refuses to take his pants off.
Nancy Gribble: Oh, you don't take your clothes off at the doctor's any more, Shug! Anything they need to see, they do it with a new machine called an M-R-I!
Peggy Hill: Hm. Are you sure they can use it to look at Hank?
Nancy Gribble: They use it for everything! Heck, it's the same technology we use down at the station to predict the weather!
Peggy Hill: I thought you used the doppler radar.
Nancy Gribble: [laughing] Oh, Shug!
[chuckles]
Nancy Gribble: It's the same thing!
Peggy Hill: Well, she wouldn't have to wear anything if you spayed her. Or hired someone to do it.
Chuck Mangione: How you doin' Arlen? Are you ready to soft rock?
Peggy Hill: [hysterical] My husband is in there! He had to take this job because nobody else would hire him!
EMT: We're doing everything we can, Mrs. Mangione.
[Hank feels uncomfortable about being the only white member of an all-Asian golf club]
Hank: Kahn, I just don't think you understand what it's like to go someplace and feel like you just don't quite belong.
Kahn: [screaming] Oh no, Hank Hill! I don't know how that feels you dumb redneck! My real last name is Smith! I only change it to Soupanousinphone when I moved to Texas!
Kahn: Oh no, I don't know how that feels. My real name is Smith. I just changed it to Soupanousinphone when I moved to Texas. You dumb redneck.
John Redcorn: [about Dale] I can't believe Nancy left me for THAT.
Hank: She didn't leave you for THAT. She married THAT two years before she met you.
Peggy Hill: It's time you became an independent woman. You have to start making your own choices. That's why I signed you up for classes in entrepreneurism.
Luanne Platter: Uhh, thanks aunt Peggy. But, I think that it would help me become an independent woman faster if you would ask me before you make choices about my future.
Peggy Hill: You are right. So, do you want 9 in the morning or 11 in the evening.
Luanne Platter: Uhh... I'd say 9 in the morning.
Peggy Hill: No, that's no good for me.
Ann Richards: So, you boys like baseball?
Dale Gribble: You trying to screen for communists? Don't worry, we're all cool.
Hank: I'm gonna kick your ass.
Dale Gribble: You wouldn't hit an unconscious maaaa-
[faints]
Hank: You stay here.
Tammy Duvall: Hank, no! Alabaster's a little guy, but he'll mess you up.
Hank: No offense, ma'am, but he's from Oklahoma.
Peggy Hill: What if I'm not as smart as I always thought. What if I'm... average?
Hank: Peggy, you have an IQ of 175. You said so yourself.
Peggy Hill: Well, there could be a margin of error. Especially since it's my own estimate.
Dale Gribble: Sh-sh-sh-sha.
[Bobby is fighting his mom and kicks her in the crotch]
Peggy Hill: That's right Bobby. As you can see, I do not have testicles. Where's your secret weapon now?
Kahn: She bluffing. Finish her.
[Hank is being chased by a pimp]
Hank: Hold on, I got a plan.
[stops the car at a green light, waits until it turns yellow, and guns it]
Hank: Ha, ha, ha. I got him where I want him.
[the pimp runs the red light]
Hank: What? He ran a red light. You can't do that.
Dale: [pretending to be an environmentalist] Earth first. Make Mars our bitch.
Dale Gribble: I'm an Indian. This explains why I love tobacco so much and hate the Federal Government so much.
Dale Gribble: Well, Joseph, it would've been great having a cool son...
[takes out a cigarette and thinks]
Dale Gribble: Wait a minute.
[sticks the cigarette in Joseph's mouth]
Dale Gribble: Hey, cool kids. Look at Joseph smoke.
Hank: Would y'all just go to bed.
Dale: It's 2:00 in the afternoon.
Hank: What did I tell you about talking to me?
[Boomhauer recalls a past event]
Hank: Hey man, I'll tell ya what, dang ol' boy ain't right, Man. Talk 'bout kickin' dang ol' ass, Man.
Boomhauer: For God's sake, Hank, act like an adult and keep it down guys. I am reading a magazine on vintage Cameros and I have been on the same dang page for 20 minutes.
Hank: Before we go, we must ask the great spirit, Wematanya, to watch over us. So pee now because once we're on the road, we ain't stopping.
Cotton Hill: Thanks a lot, Girlie, but the truth is: you're a girl.
Cotton Hill: I don't take no anesthetic. Did Lincoln ask for any girlie gas when they blowed his head off?
[Bobby is dancing with Connie]
Peggy Hill: Look, Hank, Bobby found a new sport.
[Hank shudders]
Bobby Hill: So, your name is Kahn Jr.?
Kahnie: Yeah. My dad wanted a boy.
Bobby Hill: Yeah, my dad did too.
[In an admiral's club]
Hostess: I'm sorry, sir, there's no smoking allowed in here.
Dale: You're not sorry and I'm no admiral.
[Stuffs peanuts in his pockets and leaves]
Cotton Hill: [to newborn G.H] You wanna kill a Nazi? Ya wanna kill a Nazi-Squazzy?
Bill Dauterive: Well, I guess it's off to Uncle Stu.
Hank: You mean Stan.
Bill Dauterive: Fine, Hank, Uncle Stan.
Hank: Yep.
Dale: Yep.
Bill Dauterive: Yep.
Boomhauer: Mmm-hmm.
Voice Over P.A.: Paging Tom Galloway. Phone call for Tom Galloway.
[a passenger stands up and walks towards the front desk]
Hank: Hey Peggy, I think that man is Tom Galloway.
Hank: [Buying Luanne an airline ticket] She's going to see her father and she hasn't seen him in years. Doesn't that mean anything to your airline?
[the ticket agent gives him a dirty look]
Hank: I'm writing a personal check and in the memo line, I'm writing "unfair".
Hank: I spent my vacation days bathing the son-of-a-bitch and he threatens to crash my party.
Hank: Now, you may not like Willie Nelson, but...
Bobby Hill: No, I like Willie Nelson. He's alternative.
Hank: You take that back.
Hank: I wasn't jealous. I was just upset that you were spending more time with that guy than you were with me and I wanted to spend that time with you. Jealousy had nothing to do with it.
[Hank has told Peggy that he thinks Dale and Nancy are interested in swinging]
Peggy Hill: You get Nancy and I end up with Dale - who's the clear winner there, hm? Dale.
[Talking about hank's mother's new boyfriend]
Hank: Well, he's Jewish.
Bill Dauterive: Is he funny?
Hank: No, he's not that funny.
Bill Dauterive: Jerry Sienfeld's funny.
Hank: Well, he's not as funny as Jerry Seinfeld.
Bill Dauterive: Whoppi Goldberg's funny.
[Hank has temporarily gone blind]
Cotton Hill: Still blind, or are you faking?
[He punches Hank in the gut]
Cotton Hill: Either you're blind or you're slow. I'd believe both.
Dale Gribble: They will drug test everyone in Arlen. The price of a clean urine sample will double.
Bill Dauterive: What about the price of poo poo?
Dale Gribble: Unchanged.
[in the airport]
Kahn: I look out the window of the airplane, and what do I see? A frozen Gribble.
Dale Gribble: The only thing that kept me going was my will... to smoke again.
[Dale is protecting his mower]
Dale Gribble: YOU. Quit screwing around with my mower.
John Redcorn: Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
Dale Gribble: Oh, it's just you, John Redcorn. Now get in there and heal my wife.
John Redcorn: He's taking all the fun out of this...
Bill Dauterive: My dad spanked me from when I was 9-years-old up to when I was 16 and I turned out just fine... That bastard.
[Trying to divert Bobby's interest away from witchcraft]
Hank: This is a carburetor. Take it apart, put it back together, repeat until you're normal.
Hank: Don't worry Dale, it's just Bill. The army isn't after you.
Dale: You mean I burned off my fingerprints for nothing?
Hank: Congratulations, Bill, they're gonna let you take back your record. I talked to the coach, and you're back on the team.
Bill Dauterive: Thanks, Hank... Oh, no. Will I have to go to class?
Hank: Of course not. You're on the football team.
Bill Dauterive: Just like the good old days...
[Dale's father has revealed that he is gay]
Nancy Gribble: Are you going to be all right, knowing that your dad is gay?
Dale Gribble: Why would I have a problem with it? John Redcorn is gay, and I've been friends with him for twenty years.
Hank: The Liberty Bell is great. But if it was in a contest with a bunch of other bells *without* cracks, it would lose.
[Regarding his membership in an all-Asian country club]
Hank: Kahn, I don't think you know how it feels to go someplace and feel like you just don't belong.
[after reading "My child is an honor roll student" bumper sticker]
Peggy Hill: Oh yeah? Well MY child is God to millions of Asians.
Bobby Hill: You had me at 'fruit pies'.
Hank: What're you, turning into some kind of feminist?
Peggy Hill: I am not a feminist, Hank. I am Peggy Hill, a citizen of the Republic of Texas. I work hard, I sweat hard and I love hard, I gotta smell good and look pretty while I'm doing it. So I comb my hair, I reapply lipstick thirty times a day, I do your dishes, I wash your clothes, and I clean the house. Not because I have to, Hank, but because of a mutual, unspoken agreement that I have never brought up because I am too much of a lady.
[Peggy exits]
Hank: Thirty times a day?
[Dale has just seen Kahn's mother]
Dale Gribble: Kahn has a mother? I always imagined a pod situation.
Cotton Hill: Good God, Hank. You're wearin' butt boobies.
Peggy Hill: Thanks Boomhauer. I knew I could count on you not to talk.
Boomhauer: Yo, man.
Bobby Hill: Dad how did you know this was going to happen?
Hank: It's a fact of life Bobby. When you have teenaged boys, husky boys, and doughnuts all in the same place you're just asking for trouble.
Hank: My father was six foot four when he left for Japan. When he came back he was five foot even. The Japanese blew off his shins and the doctor told him he would never walk again. He never gave up. He walked right to that doctor, looked up, and punched him... in the kidneys.
[on the phone]
Dale: You don't know who I am, but I know where you live. And if you teach that class sex ed teacher, I will make you pay.
Hank: Dale, is that you?
Dale: Oh, hey, Hank. Can you put Peggy on the phone?
Hank: Peggy? It's for you. It's Dale.
Peggy Hill: Hello, Dale.
Dale: You don't know who I am, but I know where you live...
Peggy Hill: Mother Superior, don't you think you're jumping the gun?
Hank: Sweet Jethro Pugh.
Hank: Okay, my son is playing with dolls. There, I said it.
Dale: He's a sissy. There, I said THAT.
[Hank punches Dale in the arm]
Dale: Didn't hurt.
[runs offscreen]
Dale: [whinning] Nancy.
Teacher: These are the worst side burns I've seen since chair 3. Which makes me suspect you cheated. F. That means you fail.
[Luanne cries]
Hank: What a bitch.
Hank: You know, if you ask me, there might be a silver lining to him not being a dancing cowboy.
[upon finding Luanne in bed with a boy]
Hank: I'm in a crisis situation; I gotta go find Bobby. You two take turns kicking each other's asses.
[repeated line]
Monsignor Martinez: Vaya con dios.
Hank: How do you like that? Peggy, come in here. A camera in the bedroom. This is kinda fun. This is Hank Hill with the news.
Peggy Hill: Hank, you are terrible.
Hank: Luanne, I thought you were smarter than this. I did.
Hank: You can make up for this by marrying Luanne.
Bobby Hill: But I'm only 12 years old.
Hank: Well just think, you can be married for 80 years.
Bobby Hill: Dad, you can't make me marry Luanne.
Hank: Yes, I can. You're only 12 years old.
Bobby Hill: Luanne, I know we've had our differences but I was kinda hoping we could make up and not get married.
Luanne Platter: Uncle Hank, Bobby's trying to get out of marrying me.
Hank: Bobby, you cut that out.
Bobby Hill: Mom, I don't want to do this.
Peggy Hill: Well of course you don't.
Bill Dauterive: Bobby, do you take this girl to be your lawfully wedded wife?
[Bobby moans]
Hank: That sounded like a ?yes? to me.
Bobby Hill: It's like that book they took out of the school library, "I've Got Two Dads".
Hank: No, you don't.
Hank: A poodle? Why don't you just get me a cat and a sex change operation?
Bill Dauterive: Permission to give this flag a loving home, sir? I will raise her every morning at dawn, I will lower her every night before dusk, I will store her...
Lieutenant: Do you have a 90 foot pole?
Bill Dauterive: I got a 40 foot pole, Sir.
[Is given a dirty look]
Bill Dauterive: I will go to Home Depot, Sir.
Hank: Dallas? I don't want you goin' to Dallas at all. That place is crawlin' with crack-heads and debutantes, and half of 'em play for the Cowboys.
[Hank is showing a prospective client from Boston around Arlen]
Hank: You know, Mr. Holloway, Texas has changed a lot since the 1850s.
Mr. Holloway: Aw, geez, I just wanted to see some boots, or spurs, or anything.
Peggy Hill: Hank, the day after Thanksgiving is, in my opinion, the biggest shopping day of the year. And I will not spend another year giving Dallas Mavericks crap because the Cowboys stuff was all sold out.
Hank: "Eat Wells". "Sugar-Free Low-Fat Fun Bars". Peggy, that stuff isn't for trick-or-treaters, it's for diabetics.
Dale: Rematch? I thought we agreed never to discuss the horrors that we saw on the killing fields of the Fun Center.
Bobby Hill: My dad says butane's a bastard gas.
[a blind Hank to Dale, Bill and Boomhauer]
Hank: As soon as I see some ass, I'm kicking it!
[trying to find Bobby in a department store]
Hank: Well, he's not in Household Goods.
Peggy Hill: Nor is he in the Portrait Studio, although I did see a very ugly baby there.
Peggy Hill: They're always in the last place you look, because once you find them, there's no reason to keep looking.
[Hank sighs]
Ticket Agent: Okay, people, personal insults and criticisms directed towards me will not get your plane out any faster. In just a few minutes we will begin...
Man: You're an ass!
Dale: Why do you hate love, Hank?
[about Bill at a hot dog eating contest]
Dale: Behold the Great American Fat Ass, gorging on the lips and anuses of his brethren!
Bobby Hill: Why would I put dirt on my own fruit pie? My *own* fruit pie?
[Dale, Bill and Boomhauer are in a cave collecting guano when the bats wake up]
Dale: We've awakened a sleeping, pooping giant!
Dale: The silent treatment won't work on me. I have my thoughts.
[pause]
Dale: I can't get along with my thoughts! You've all heard them!
Cotton Hill: Hey missy! Git me sum samiches!
[at Bobby's birthday party]
Peggy Hill: Good grief, Cotton, you gave him a loaded shotgun?
Cotton Hill: Well, you don't give a toy without batteries.
[after losing $13 to Peggy at Boggle]
Mihn: Thank you for Boggle lesson, Peggy Hill. Maybe next week I teach you mah-jongg. Bring your checkbook.
Dale Gribble: TV sets are getting smaller and smaller, and bigger and bigger. Soon the medium-sized set will be a thing of the past.
Dale Gribble: Whatcha got under the foil, Mr. Party Pooper? Some party poop?
[Bill steps on Hank's glasses after Hank steps on his ping pong ball]
Hank: Dammit, Bill, those were my only pair of glasses!
Dale Gribble: Dang it, Hank, that was our only ball.
[Throws a hot Frito pie at Hank, but misses and hits Bill]
Boomhauer: Hey man, I was dang ol' scarfing on that, man.
Bill Dauterive: My face hurts.
Hank: And it'll match your ass when I'm done kicking it.
Fire Chief: So it was you guys that busted that hydrant? We got an anonymous call that some kids did it.
Dale Gribble: I gave you names.
[the fire station has burned down - Hank and the guys are suspects]
Hank: Uh, where do you want us, Chief?
Fire Chief: Back in the grave with Chet Elderson.
Bobby Hill: And now, for my next miracle, I'm gonna need a large wooden cross and a couple of volunteers.
Peggy Hill: NO!
Hank: NO!
Peggy Hill: [holds up fruit pie] Walk with me, Bobby.
Bobby Hill: [Marie has taken Bobby outside of the house from the party after he had turned off the music to stop her from dancing with the other boys] Who were those guys? Why were you dancing with all of those guys?
Marie: I don't know I felt like dancing, I wanted to dance.
Bobby Hill: Who were those guys? Why were you dancing with all of those guys?
Marie: BOBBY those were just friends. We were just dancing.
Bobby Hill: What about us? Your supposed to dance with just me and maybe some of your girlfriends but mostly just me.
Marie: Now wait Bobby this is getting way to intense were only friends.
Bobby Hill: [Bobby starts to sputter] But I... I thought we were more than that.
Marie: Bobby your a funny guy you make me laugh that's all.
Bobby Hill: But we kissed.
Marie: Yes and looking back now maybe that was a mistake.
Bobby Hill: MISTAKE? That was the single most important thing in my life.
Marie: Look Bobby I don't think we should hang out together anymore.
Bobby Hill: JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING DANCING WITH ALL OF THOSE GUYS.
Marie: Goodbye Bobby.
[Marie kisses his forehead]
Bobby Hill: You kissed me that means were back together again.
Marie: Oh!
[Walks away from Bobby and starts to go back into the house to rejoin the party to dance with the other boys]
Hank: I'm gonna kick your ass! I'm gonna kick it harder if you don't come here.
Hank: You're the only one who can save my lawn, Dale.
Dale Gribble: You're right, I am. The question is - why should I?
Hank: I'll give you two dollars.
Dale Gribble: Pffft. Ha! Two dollars?
Hank: Because you're my friend.
Dale Gribble: Oooooooo! I'm Hank's friend! Tie a ribbon around me!
Hank: Because I'm coming to you man to man offering you a genuine apology for choosing a lawn over a lifetime of friendship.
Dale Gribble: Geez, Hank. I was only holding out for $2.50.
Bobby Hill: Marie come back. Look I'm doing your favorite comedy bit.
[Pulls shorts up to his shirt]
Bobby Hill: What are you talking about?
[crying]
Bobby Hill: What are you talking about? What are you talking about?
[Bobby sobs]
Hank: Yep.
Dale Gribble: Yep.
Bill Dauterive: Yep
Boomhauer: Mm-hmm.
Hank: [Reading pamphlet] "Cushion shooting stands, heated blinds with automatic corn feeder". Well that's not hunting, that's shooting fish in a barrel.
Eustace: Oh, they have that too.
Bobby Hill: Everybody's got a deer and I don't.
[Near tears]
Bobby Hill: Everything looks so Christmasy. Now I know how the Jewish kids feel.
[Cries]
[Hank finds his son drinking at Bill's place]
Bobby Hill: Hey dad, I like beer!
[Immediately vomits]
Hank: I've had about enough of this Christmas crap!
Hank: [Bill is on his roof] What are you doin', Bill? Satellite dish trouble?
Bill Dauterive: Oh no, I'm just up here to kill myself.
Bill Dauterive: I had a bad dream. I drempt that Lenore came back and stole Lenore. And then Lenore drove off with Lenore and I ran down the street after them and I yelled, "Lenore! Lenore!" And then my teeth fell out. Peggy, you were there. Can I sleep in your living room?
Hank: [sighs] Yes, Bill.
Peggy Hill: I am giving you 24 hours to get me out of that man's dreams.
Bobby Hill: You know, if I did something like this you'd punish me. Maybe I should be able to punish you.
Hank: Well okay, Son. What's my punishment? Am I grounded?
Bobby Hill: That's too easy. You cannot mow the lawn for one week.
Hank: Aw come on, Son, it was an accident.
Bobby Hill: You wanna go for two?
Bobby Hill: [playing a propane salesman] I only sell C-3-H8. That smells like C-H4.
Joe Jack: [dressed as a big baby] I need a new diaper. Baby did a bad, bad thing.
Peggy Hill: [Hank laughs like crazy] It is a fart joke, Hank.
[Hank pauses a moment, then laughs again]
Hank: I am sorry, Sir. I had no idea you wore, uh... You know.
Charlie Fortner: Say it, Hank. I wanna hear it come from your mouth.
Hank: Diapers.
Charlie Fortner: You only have to say it. I have to wear them and buy them.
Hank: Honestly, Sir, nobody knew you wore those... Things.
Charlie Fortner: A man in a diaper comes out on stage and asks me for A DIAPER!
Hank: Sir, if it makes you feel any better, I also wear diapers.
Charlie Fortner: Which brand is more absorbent?
Hank: Uh... Well... Uh...
Charlie Fortner: Get out!
[Bill has built a Santa's village in his front yard]
Peggy Hill: It looks like a carnival. I wonder how Jesus feels about this.
Hank: It's Christmas AND Bill's happy. I'll tell you how Jesus feels: great.
Bill Dauterive: You may not be happy with me now, Soldier, but you'll thank me someday.
Wally: For what? For making me a jarhead?
Bill Dauterive: No, for convincing the judge that the army is a better place for you than prison. Oh and you're not a jarhead. That's the marine corps. You're a grunt!
Hank: Peggy, there's a little mexican girl in the utility closet.
Dale Gribble: Computers don't make errors. What they do, they do on purpose.
Hank: Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to criticize your lesson plan, but... Do you have a lesson plan?
Roger 'Buddha' Sack: Sure. I'm planning on teaching, lessin' you shut up!
Kahn: [the Hills have lit a stack of toilet paper on fire] Hey, hillbillies, those not logs. They for wipie-wipie.
Kahn: I am everywhere you want to be, Hank Hill.
Dale Gribble: Is that a real computer?
Man: Yes, it is.
Dale Gribble: [nervously] Then my name is Rusty Shackleford
Kahnie: I... Uh...
[stutters]
Hank: Huh?
[Connie writes something and gives it to Hank]
Hank: "Mr. Hill, I just got my first period". Aaaahhh!
Hank: [Connie has just gotten her first period] Are you sure about this?
Kahnie: Pretty sure.
Hank: Ugh.
[looks through a medical book]
Hank: Come on, come on... Don't worry, Connie, we're gonna get through this somehow. Okay... Do you have any idea how to tie a tourniquet?
Hank: [after buying Connie tampons] In fact, this is such a little deal that we won't have to talk about it any more.
Kahnie: Now... How do I change one of these things?
Peggy Hill: You tried your best, Hank, but I'im in charge now. You keep trying Minh and Kahn, I'll talk to Connie and then I'll talk to Bobby.
Hank: I don't think Bobby should know about this. It's bad enough I know about this.
Peggy Hill: Do you want to be incharge, Hank?
Hank: No.
Hank: Bobby, every woman has a period... Uh, of time... Every month...
Bobby Hill: Even Mom?
Hank: [sighs] Bobby, if we're gonna get through this, you cannot ask me questions like that.
Peggy Hill: I used to be one of the finest mothers in the state of Texas and now, now I can't even wipe a baby.
Dale Gribble: [to a female store patron, after he has volunteered to be an executioner] Excuse me, do you know if these gloves are good for killing a man?
Hank: Peggy, have you ever decapitated anyone?
Peggy Hill: No, I don't believe I have.
Kahn: [Walking on his lawn, Hank has called to Kahn] Yeah, yeah. Hillbilly barefoot - big deal!
Dale Gribble: If all you're goin' on is my confession, forget it, I'm simply not credible.
Dale Gribble: This tornado's already at level two on the Fujisaki scale. A storm that strong can send an egg through a barn door. Two if one door is open.
Bobby Hill: What does a level three do, Mr. Gribble?
Dale Gribble: A level three can send an egg through a brick wall. Tornado chasers call it Humpty's Revenge.
Dale Gribble: This is no time for jokes, Boomhauer. This tornado's already classified level at 2 on the Fujisaki scale. Storm that strong'll send an egg through a barn door. Two barn doors if one of 'em's open.
Bobby Hill: What will a level three do, Mr. Gribble?
Dale Gribble: Level three will send an egg through a *brick wall*. Tornado chasers call it "Humpty's Revenge".
Hank: Where's the Children's Gun section?
Walmart-Type Worker: Aisle 47.
Bobby Hill: Can I put a gun rack on my bike?
Hank: Do you know how long I've been waiting for you to ask that?
Dale Gribble: Hey, if you're taking Bobby, can you take us too?
Boomhauer: [His old car had been lost in a quarry for 20 years, thanks to Bill and Dale] Hey man, I'll tell you what man, you dang ol' drove it here. I'm talkin' about you... Drive it back. Dang ol' traitors, man.
Dale Gribble: Oh... What gave us away?
[Boomhauer shakes his head and drives off; Dale and Bill get in the decomposing Mustang; tries to start engine]
Dale Gribble: Come on. Come on. Come on.
Bill Dauterive: You're flooding it.
Bill Dauterive: You know what I just realized? Hank hasn't caught a fish.
Hank: You lookin' to go for a swim, Bill?
Bill Dauterive: I think it's nice that you're going away, Hank. You need a good vacation with your new best friend Kahn. Who you love so MUCH.
Hank: Yes, Bill, I love Kahn. Maybe if this trip works out I'll marry him and live in Mexico forever. Is that what you wanna hear?
Bill Dauterive: [Voice breaking] No.
Bobby Hill: Why is there such a big fence, Dad?
Hank: Well, millions of people come to America in search of a better life, and we've decided we don't need that many.
Bobby Hill: Did the Soupinusanphones come through the fence?
Hank: No, Bobby, Kahn applied the legal way. Sometimes the system fails us.
Dale Gribble: You're not being paid to screw up.
Coach: I'm not being paid at all. In fact I still haven't been reembursed for last week's pizzas. Oh, and
[near tears]
Coach: and if you guys aren't too busy, could you please just go to hell?
Kahn: Hank Hill, you ruined my life. What can I do for you?
Hank: The only place you can find a Main Street these days is in Disneyland. And just try to buy a gun there.
Willie Nelson: Hey, I know you. You're the kid who rakes my lawn.
Bobby Hill: No, sir. I'm the kid who hit you in the head.
Willie Nelson: With my rake?
Bobby Hill: No, sir, with a golf club.
Willie Nelson: You rake my yard with a golf club? I want my quarter back.
Hank: What's this? It's a letter. "From the Desk of Buckley's Angel". Let's see here...”Dear Bill, Boomhauer and Dale, I have been unable to find a woman for Bill. Any woman. Or a crank shaft from a 1968 Dodge. And the porthole to Hell is actually located in Hank's garage near all of his tools and should be avoided by anyone afraid of the porthole to Hell." Well, that's that. Goodbye, Buckley's Angel.
Dale Gribble: Goodbye, Buckley's Ang... Hold the phone. Let me see that letter.
Bill Dauterive: [Gasps] That's not Buckley's handwriting. Hank!
[Hank turns the hose on them]
Middle-Aged Drink Girl: They think 'cause I'm a woman I'm supposed to be "Miss Merry Sunshine". Well the hell with that!
Luanne Platter: I had no idea you were a woman.
Luanne Platter: [trying to figure out an ending for her puppet show] Oh...! No, that won't work.
Hank: [whispering] They jimmy the lock with a coat hanger.
Luanne Platter: What?
Hank: They jimmy the lock with...
[Loudly]
Hank: Uh, I'll save you, Manger Babies.
Luanne Platter: You will?
Hank: Yes. 'Cause I'm the assistant manager of this movie theater. I sell popcorn and popcorn accessories, and you
[the usher]
Hank: are fired!
Luanne Platter: [as puppet] Oh thank you, assistant manager. How can we ever repay you?
Hank: By never forgetting this lesson: sneaking into the movies is wrong. As wrong as spilling juice on a new carpet.
Hank: This river is filthy. Look at this, underwear floating around.
Dale Gribble: [off camera] Uh, Hank, a little help here?
Charlie Daniels: So, where's this dying fiddle player whose final wish was to meet me?
Dale Gribble: Actually, you're too late. But her other final wish was that you would play, with us, her favorite song, on stage, now. So, what do I tell her parents?
Charlie Daniels: [tearfully] Tell 'em I'll play 'til my fiddle catches fire.
Dale: [to the Harmoniholics] You people make me envy the deaf and the blind!
Bobby Hill: [to Hank, regarding the football coach] I think you hurt him... Hit him again to make sure.
Luanne Platter: Wait! Wait, I know why! Because you should *tell* people if you're going to throw a party in their house without asking them!
Bobby Hill: Please, Dad, I don't want to marry Luanne.
Hank: Well, it's a little late for that. You didn't take care of Boomhauer's, you drank beer, you messed with Luanne's lady pills. I ask you, is that responsible behavior?
Bobby Hill: [sighs] No.
Hank: Well, then, having to marry Luanne will be a good lesson for you.
Bobby Hill: I can cure you, Dad! Woo-loo-loo!
Kahn: Hey, Minh... Come look. Redneck boy get busy with lawn trimmings.
Hank: [about Dale] We're putting extra stress on a structure that wasn't up to code in the first place.
Hank: Dale, there are no robots and there are no Cubans.
Dale Gribble: If there are no Cubans, how do you account for Desi Arnaz?
Bill Dauterive: Easy for you to say, it wasn't your naked butt in that picture.
Hank: You took the money.
Hank: Dale, get down here before someone gets hurt.
Dale Gribble: Too late. I killed Shackleford!
[the police gasp]
Dale Gribble: No, no, correction - Shackleford wants a pizza.
Dale Gribble: [after Wally runs away from Bill; the guys are drinking beer in the alley as usual] Wait! I've got it! Bill wants to have a child, and Hank's urethra is too narrow to have another child. Ergo, Bill should inseminate Peggy; everybody's happy.
Dale Gribble: [Hank gives Dale a hard punch in the arm] Ow! Didn't hurt!
[whining]
Dale Gribble: Nancy!
Hank: Come on. Those moles aren't gonna whack themselves.
Hank: Bobby's a big boy, now, and I think he can handle seeing those copies of Esquire Jack has lying around.
Bobby Hill: [gasp] I know what I'm doing this summer!
Kahnie: Language camp at Middlebury? It's not as much fun as that ad makes it look.
Dale Gribble: If I wanted to watch my wife on Super Bowl Sunday, I would've married Fran Tarkinton.
Hank: Dang it, Dale, or Bill, probably, Dale.
Peggy Hill: Hoo yeah!
[repeated line, mainly when starting a Boggle game but said at other times too]
Peggy Hill: Hoo Yeah!
[repeated line]
Hank: I'm going to kick your ass!
Dale Gribble: Objection! Conjecture. Objecture!
Hank: That's not a word!
Chuck Mangione: Chick Mangione? I'm not a chick, I'm a dude!
[hits the instructor with his horn]
Bill Dauterive: [about female boxers] If they wear gloves, how do they scratch each other?
Hank: You're not dumb. You're smarter than I am.
Peggy Hill: [crying] Big deal.
Hank: Well, you're smarter than anyone at Arlen.
Peggy Hill: Well, whoop-dee-doo! I am the smartest hillbilly in Hillbilly Town!
Peggy Hill: Well, I just, I don't know who to pick...
Minh Souphanousinphone: ...Pick Connie!
Hank: Well, let's tell Bobby he's fat.
Hank: An all Texas Super Bowl... His will be done.
Rooks Epperson: Welcome, folks! Y'all ready for some world-class pig diving?
Peggy Hill: They're not even a real couple! Did you know she only sleeps with him on his birthday and Christmas? That's why she gets so depressed around the holidays.
Hank: [telling Bill why the Army chose him for an medical experiment] It was before we found out that the Russians were incompetent.
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