Dracula 3000 (2004) (TV)

Director:

Darrell Roodt

Writers:

Ivan Milborrow (writer)
Darrell Roodt (writer)

Release Date:

30 April 2006 (France)

Genre:

Horror | Sci-Fi

Tagline:

In space, the sun never rises.

Plot:

Count Dracula terrorizes the crew of a spaceship.

Plot Keywords:

Sci Fi Spoof | Impalement | Leather Pants | Dracula | Vampire

Cast

Casper Van Dien	...	Capt. Abraham Van Helsing
Erika Eleniak	...	Aurora Ash
Coolio	...	187
Alexandra Kamp-Groeneveld	...	Mina Murry (as Alexandra Kamp)
Grant Swanby	...	Arthur "The Professor" Holmwood
Langley Kirkwood	...	Orlock
Tommy 'Tiny' Lister	...	Humvee (as Tiny Lister)
Udo Kier	...	Capt. Varna

Also Known As:

Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness (South Africa: English title) (working title)

MPAA:

Rated R for violence, language including sexual references, and some drug use.

Runtime:

USA:86 min

Country:

Germany | South Africa

Language:

English

Color:

Color

Aspect Ratio:

1.85 : 1

Certification:

Spain:18 | Finland:K-15 | Netherlands:12 | UK:15 | Singapore:NC-16 | Germany:12 | Australia:MA | New Zealand:R13 | USA:R

Company:

Film Afrika Worldwide

Goofs:

Factual errors: Before taking off his breathing equipment, Hummer states that the ships air has an oxygen percentage of 78%, "better than at home". Actually such a high percentage would be lethal to humans (20% is normal).

Quotes:

187: I want to watch my anaconda spit all over your snow white ass.

Movie Connections:

References "The Bionic Woman" (1976)

I don't know what to say....

Have I seen a worse movie? No I can't say that I have. This was pathetic. If the director is still alive: 1. He shouldn't be. 2. He should be ashamed. 3. God, how I would like to take out my 2 completely wasted hours of time on his a$$.

To give you guys a few pointers of the "film":

1. (I'm a male) and I would rather give myself a papercut on the opening of my urethra before viewing this again (seriously).

2. It does have a few known names in it (Casper Van Dien, Erika Eleniak, Coolio). They don't help, and their careers in cinema after this "film" are officially over by the way.

3. The dialog is the worst I've ever heard. "I want to ejaculate on your bozonkas."? What kind of writer did they have on this film? Was he still using hooked-on-phonics and just got his letters mixed up to make these horrible sentences?, or was he trying to get the Director killed by the few people who saw this?

4. Watch this "film" backwards. Because I PROMISE you that you do not want to watch it forwards.

5. This "film" would make Helen Keller get up and walk out of the theater.

6. The set of the movie looks like an adult sized McDonald's playplace. I was just waiting for this so called "Dracula" to fall in the ball pit at some time in the movie.

7. Also, I like that in the year 3000 they still have headsets with wires that go to their mouth. No bluetooth, no wireless headsets, no chips placed in the brain, but they use headsets borrowed from a telemarketing agency that went out of business in 1983(Nice job Set director on this one. Real professional. I hope you're currently unemployed and reading this.)

8. I don't know who was in charge of special effects, but I could have done better in my backyard with my VHS camcorder that doesn't have a battery.

9. I was a devout Catholic before this "film". But since viewing it, I know there is not a God, because if there was, he wouldn't have let this film be produced. I am now an atheist.

10. I'll be honest I can't talk about the ending. Last time I tried to explain it I fell into a coma.

Folks however bored you get, however curious(or brave) you are, however many laughs you THINK you will get out of this movie, please DO NOT WATCH THIS. It has literally ruined my life. AVOID AT ALL COSTS!

Comment to the director: I hate you. You have ruined my life. After viewing this I feel empty inside. My wife and kids have left me and hate me because I couldn't speak or hardly move after seeing this. I lost my job, my dignity, and above all my pride. I will never forgive you in this life or the next(which is not looking good from my newfound beliefs) .