Memorable quotes for
"The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" (2005)

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Craig Ferguson: [holding up a black and white headshot of a guest] He's in black and white here, but he'll be in color when he comes out.

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Craig Ferguson: Big props to my homie Mos Def.

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Craig Ferguson: Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.

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Craig Ferguson: I can't live by your rules, man!

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Craig Ferguson: [an e-mailer asked Craig why he doesn't grow a beard] I have a beard. Just not on my face...

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Craig Ferguson: I only like sports that Bond villains played.

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Craig Ferguson: [repeated line, at the start of the monologues] It is a great day for America, and I'll tell you why.

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Craig Ferguson: I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I’m saying...

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Craig Ferguson: Self help books are pointless. Here's something for you... Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and self help books are from Uranus.

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Craig Ferguson: He's German so he's Herr Ball. Herr Ball. His movies are so bad, cats choke when they hear his name.

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Craig Ferguson: [Referring to Smokey the Bear] Kids: If a bear is wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger!

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Craig Ferguson: I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.

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Craig Ferguson: You know, where I come from, an antique, to be called an antique, it has to be at least a hundred years old. That's a law: before you can call something an antique, it has to be a hundred years old. In L.A., something that's been around for a couple of weeks is an antique. It's true! People are like, "Look at this old-fashioned iPod. Look at this! It's the size of a man's hand! Ha ha ha ha. Back then-back then, people thought Mel Gibson was just acting crazy. It was a very different time."

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Craig Ferguson: [On '70s-era Scottish porn] The sexy magazine in Britain in that time was called Club International. Club International: It was about as international as the International House of Pancakes. It should have been called Naked Cockney Girls with Scurvy.

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[Craig is greeting the audience]
Craig Ferguson: Relax, you're among friends now. The long hard day is over and the roly-poly funny man is before you.

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Craig Ferguson: It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo.

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Craig Ferguson: Ocean's 13 is all about cool people having a good time, and who doesn't want to see that? Well YOU, apparantly, 'cause you're watching me.

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Craig Ferguson: [referring to Halloween or Friday the 13th] Just a warning: If you're a bunch of sexy teenagers at a lake where other sexy teenagers were killed 30 years ago, leave! The guy in the forest with a hockey mask... maybe doesn't play hockey.

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Craig Ferguson: I know what you're thinking: yet another late night talk show host accusing Neil Sedaka of being a war criminal.

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Craig Ferguson: That's not really wrestling. That's just throwing a snake.

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[signature repeated line, at the end of some jokes]
Craig Ferguson: I know!

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[signature repeated line, at the end of some starting jokes]
Craig Ferguson: You too, ladies!

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